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| Death and my daughters | Death and my daughters |
| (about 22 hours later) | |
| Normal family life: Sudhir, Renu and their daughters | Normal family life: Sudhir, Renu and their daughters |
| Sudhir Sharma's daughters were three and six when their mother died of cancer. As the BBC's Newsround looks at how children cope with bereavement, Mr Sharma tells how a young family has come through its profound loss. | Sudhir Sharma's daughters were three and six when their mother died of cancer. As the BBC's Newsround looks at how children cope with bereavement, Mr Sharma tells how a young family has come through its profound loss. |
| I had never know anyone with cancer and when I was told my wife, Renu, had stage four ovarian cancer, I walked away from the specialist not really knowing what he had said. | I had never know anyone with cancer and when I was told my wife, Renu, had stage four ovarian cancer, I walked away from the specialist not really knowing what he had said. |
| But then you talk to people and you realise that you are not the only one whose life cancer has touched. They are all around you. Some still fighting and others, like Renu, who have lost the fight. | But then you talk to people and you realise that you are not the only one whose life cancer has touched. They are all around you. Some still fighting and others, like Renu, who have lost the fight. |
| Remembering mum - the family look over old photos | Remembering mum - the family look over old photos |
| For us it came out of the blue and was all consuming. Our whole life was put on hold and started to revolve around this thing none of us could see. I was on the internet reading up about it, to understand how it takes a hold of the body and how it is treated. | For us it came out of the blue and was all consuming. Our whole life was put on hold and started to revolve around this thing none of us could see. I was on the internet reading up about it, to understand how it takes a hold of the body and how it is treated. |
| Everyone I met would ask: "How is she doing?" But very few asked me: "How are you doing?" My identity had gone with this thing; not only as a father but as a husband and person. I was now a full-time carer who could not work and was too tired to look after his young daughters. | Everyone I met would ask: "How is she doing?" But very few asked me: "How are you doing?" My identity had gone with this thing; not only as a father but as a husband and person. I was now a full-time carer who could not work and was too tired to look after his young daughters. |
| I now look back at the whole illness as a journey. People ask: "How did you cope?" Well, what other option was there, you just have to cope. It is the hand you are dealt and you have to play it. | I now look back at the whole illness as a journey. People ask: "How did you cope?" Well, what other option was there, you just have to cope. It is the hand you are dealt and you have to play it. |
| My eldest at six years old became mum to a three-year-old Sudhir Sharma | My eldest at six years old became mum to a three-year-old Sudhir Sharma |
| Some friends called and would cry. "How can you be so strong?" they would ask. | Some friends called and would cry. "How can you be so strong?" they would ask. |
| I had no control of the disease but I could control the way I handled it and the way Renu saw me react, so I presented her with a smile. All my crying was done in private, away from everyone. | I had no control of the disease but I could control the way I handled it and the way Renu saw me react, so I presented her with a smile. All my crying was done in private, away from everyone. |
| I remember when Renu was taken by ambulance to Oxford Hospital for her last few weeks and I stood in the drive watching the ambulance pull away knowing she was never coming back home. I have never felt so alone in my life. I could have been on a remote island in the Pacific. | I remember when Renu was taken by ambulance to Oxford Hospital for her last few weeks and I stood in the drive watching the ambulance pull away knowing she was never coming back home. I have never felt so alone in my life. I could have been on a remote island in the Pacific. |
| Never before had I given carers or single parents a second thought but now, having done both jobs, I have a newfound understanding and respect for them. Things look very different from this side of the track. | Never before had I given carers or single parents a second thought but now, having done both jobs, I have a newfound understanding and respect for them. Things look very different from this side of the track. |
| The girls had to cope with the loss | The girls had to cope with the loss |
| I have had to evolve from being a husband - a title I no longer hold - to being a single dad, a housekeeper and the sole breadwinner; a very different role. I do not have the luxury of a partner to share things with. Now it is all down to me. | I have had to evolve from being a husband - a title I no longer hold - to being a single dad, a housekeeper and the sole breadwinner; a very different role. I do not have the luxury of a partner to share things with. Now it is all down to me. |
| My daughters have had to deal with a dad who does not always cope well and they have to do more themselves. My eldest at six years old became mum to a three-year-old and would help her get dressed, feed her and get her ready for bed. Now at 11 she still tries to mother her eight-year-old sister even though I tell her that role is no longer hers. It belongs to me. | My daughters have had to deal with a dad who does not always cope well and they have to do more themselves. My eldest at six years old became mum to a three-year-old and would help her get dressed, feed her and get her ready for bed. Now at 11 she still tries to mother her eight-year-old sister even though I tell her that role is no longer hers. It belongs to me. |
| But what we must not forget is the person who went through all the pain and treatments and operations and how they were affected, because they lost the most. Renu lost watching her daughters grow into fine young ladies, helping them with their homework and planning birthday parties. The things we all take for granted. | But what we must not forget is the person who went through all the pain and treatments and operations and how they were affected, because they lost the most. Renu lost watching her daughters grow into fine young ladies, helping them with their homework and planning birthday parties. The things we all take for granted. |
| It is also strange how one incident can change your outlook. Renu had a severe anaphylactic shock due to her chemotherapy, which led to cardiac arrest and respiratory arrest. In other words, she died and was brought back. This changed her view on life. She was not afraid of dying anymore because she had been there once. | It is also strange how one incident can change your outlook. Renu had a severe anaphylactic shock due to her chemotherapy, which led to cardiac arrest and respiratory arrest. In other words, she died and was brought back. This changed her view on life. She was not afraid of dying anymore because she had been there once. |
| Family portrait: Renu had a severe reaction to her chemotherapy | Family portrait: Renu had a severe reaction to her chemotherapy |
| Her words were: "I am not afraid to die because when I do, nothing will be my problem. It will all be yours (Sudhir)." And she was right. Everything I do now has to be done for me and the girls. | Her words were: "I am not afraid to die because when I do, nothing will be my problem. It will all be yours (Sudhir)." And she was right. Everything I do now has to be done for me and the girls. |
| She will always be in our thoughts and we will always go to Renu's favourite restaurant for her birthday. But life also moves on and the past has to stay there. You have to grasp the future with both handsÂ… something we occasionally forget. | She will always be in our thoughts and we will always go to Renu's favourite restaurant for her birthday. But life also moves on and the past has to stay there. You have to grasp the future with both handsÂ… something we occasionally forget. |
| Newsround: Gone will be broadcast on Monday 30 March at 1830 BST on the CBBC Channel and again on Tuesday 31 March at 1655 BST on BBC One. | Newsround: Gone will be broadcast on Monday 30 March at 1830 BST on the CBBC Channel and again on Tuesday 31 March at 1655 BST on BBC One. |
| Below is a selection of your comments. | |
| I had personally known Renu as a young girl and attended her wedding. I met her on her last day. She was a lovely, bubbly and always smiling. Sudhir was everything to her, and I must commend him for the love and care he always gave her and stood by her and now as a dad, he is one of the nicest people I have ever met. Nina Dua, Langley, Slough | |
| My first wife died aged 32 after two years coping with a brain tumour. Our boys were aged 7, 6 and 4 when she died. We were all ready for her going - she had prepared the boys well. She wrote 18th birthday cards and journals for them while she was well enough to do so. Kids of that age don't have the same hang-ups about death that many adults do. We coped well after she died in part due to her preparation. Some of her friends took her death badly though. The boys seem to have grown up to be well adjusted young men. I'm now re-married and have another two (pre-school) boys.Alan, Edinburgh | |
| I was also six when my mother died of heart disease (I'm now almost 40) and there was no thought about how to cope, my father and I just did. Of course, we both felt devastated, and cried, but there was an unspoken rule of trying not to upset each other. This concern for the living family brought us through it all - and to be able to look back and know that we gained so much from each other. I would never have known my father so well, had he not also taken on the role that Mr Sharma has had to, and we had a wonderfully open and honest relationship with each other. I cherish that more than my childish memories of my mother.Michelle Gosney, Leeds | |
| My stepsister died of cancer, leaving her husband with two small children. The sound of the two of them saying "Thank you for coming to my mummy's funeral" is the most heartbreaking thing I've ever heard.Deborah, Surrey | |
| My mother died leaving a husband and four young children aged 14 months to six years. Forty years later our darling father also succumbed to cancer. He gave us far more love and attention than most children get with two parents. None of us ever fell out with him. We knew what losing a parent meant and cherished him. During his last months one of us was always with him and he never complained about his illness or pain. I told him how much I loved him and thanked him for doing so much for us. When I told him he was the best father anyone could ever have, he replied that he knew. That still makes me smile. He knew he had done a great job. All his children were happily married with lovely children. His love has carried on.Frances McLean, London | |
| How hard it must have been, still is, to completely change your way of life after the very tragic passing away of your wife. Thank you for putting into words your feelings, doubts and panic, and I wish you all the very best for the future.Caroline, Leeds | |
| My husband died unexpectedly 4 years ago. My sons were 14 and 16. He left with huge financial problems and it has been a long arduous journey. Both boys have integrated extremely well and my life is getting back on track. When you become a widow or widower it is difficult for those around to understand the loneliness and emptiness. It is not a divorce or separation where there is another parent. You are left totally on your own to be mother, father and breadwinner. My prayers go out to that silent number who are largely ignored by society.Barbara Sharma, London | |
| Although I was not as young as your writer from the age of 12 I watched my mother die of Cancer - through "being ill", to bed-ridden at home, to the last nine months in hospital to her death a few weeks after my 16th birthday. I am now 55 and the answer to the question "how do children cope and deal with it?" is still the same to me now as it was then. We don't very well and the trauma of that period of my life still haunts me today.Gordon Seekings, Crawley, England | |
| I was so touched by this story, and the bravery of the whole family in dealing with this tragedy. Sudhir, you can be very proud of both yourself and your daughters for the excellent way you have managed to pick up the pieces of your lives and cope with the loss of an integral part of your lives. I wish you and your family every future happiness, as I am sure that is what your wife would have wished for you, and what you deserve.Suzanne, Cardiff |