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| Life without my noisy boy | Life without my noisy boy |
| (about 2 hours later) | |
| A year ago, Claire Prosser's teenage son died suddenly of an undiagnosed heart condition. Here, she explains what helps her cope - and what not to say to a grieving parent. | A year ago, Claire Prosser's teenage son died suddenly of an undiagnosed heart condition. Here, she explains what helps her cope - and what not to say to a grieving parent. |
| We're invisible. You can't tell just by looking at us. There isn't even a name for parents who have lost children. | We're invisible. You can't tell just by looking at us. There isn't even a name for parents who have lost children. |
| And there is certainly no easy answer to a question that used to be harmless: "How many children do you have?" | And there is certainly no easy answer to a question that used to be harmless: "How many children do you have?" |
| I'm still working on that one. At the moment I say: "Two, but one died a year ago." FIND OUT MORE Life After Tom is broadcast on Radio 4 on Monday 13 October at 2000 BSTOr catch up with the BBC iPlayer Sudden deaths claim young livesFacing life after Tom | I'm still working on that one. At the moment I say: "Two, but one died a year ago." FIND OUT MORE Life After Tom is broadcast on Radio 4 on Monday 13 October at 2000 BSTOr catch up with the BBC iPlayer Sudden deaths claim young livesFacing life after Tom |
| So how do you cope when your child dies? And, as in my case - when it happens completely out of the blue? | So how do you cope when your child dies? And, as in my case - when it happens completely out of the blue? |
| One minute I had a cheerful, talkative 14-year-old son called Tom, the next he was dead, from an undiagnosed heart condition. | One minute I had a cheerful, talkative 14-year-old son called Tom, the next he was dead, from an undiagnosed heart condition. |
| At first we simply clung together - me, my husband Paul and our 13-year-old daughter Ellen. There was a deluge of post, e-mails, texts, endless knocking at the front door. | At first we simply clung together - me, my husband Paul and our 13-year-old daughter Ellen. There was a deluge of post, e-mails, texts, endless knocking at the front door. |
| Then I looked on the internet and found myself immersed in the utter misery that is parents dealing with the death of a child. I read heart-rending personal stories and looked at chatrooms until my head was bursting.Tom went to bed one night and didn't wake up | Then I looked on the internet and found myself immersed in the utter misery that is parents dealing with the death of a child. I read heart-rending personal stories and looked at chatrooms until my head was bursting.Tom went to bed one night and didn't wake up |
| The next thing I tried was books. Most were American with dubious titles like A Broken Heart Still Beats and I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye. | The next thing I tried was books. Most were American with dubious titles like A Broken Heart Still Beats and I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye. |
| A friend gave me The Bereaved Parent by Harriet Sarnoff Schiff. Its easy-to-read chapters show their age in the treats it suggests, like a new eye shadow or giving your husband a Scotch after cooking his dinner. | A friend gave me The Bereaved Parent by Harriet Sarnoff Schiff. Its easy-to-read chapters show their age in the treats it suggests, like a new eye shadow or giving your husband a Scotch after cooking his dinner. |
| But it pretty much tells it like it is, in chapters headed Bereavement and Marriage, Bereavement and Grieving, Bereavement and... the rest of your life. | But it pretty much tells it like it is, in chapters headed Bereavement and Marriage, Bereavement and Grieving, Bereavement and... the rest of your life. |
| The British books that stood out were Michael Rosen's Sad Book and his memoir, Carrying the Elephant, both of which refer to the death of his 18-year-old son from meningitis. Both spoke to the very core of me. | The British books that stood out were Michael Rosen's Sad Book and his memoir, Carrying the Elephant, both of which refer to the death of his 18-year-old son from meningitis. Both spoke to the very core of me. |
| Tom's mum talks about his heart condition | Tom's mum talks about his heart condition |
| But, like my son, I'm a people person and sensed from the beginning that I would need the support of others. I quickly learnt that some of my friends were to cry with, others to laugh with, still others just for listening. Only a very small few could supply the lot - and what a big ask from me. | But, like my son, I'm a people person and sensed from the beginning that I would need the support of others. I quickly learnt that some of my friends were to cry with, others to laugh with, still others just for listening. Only a very small few could supply the lot - and what a big ask from me. |
| I've also found comfort - and Tom - in unexpected places. One of my friends introduced me to a healing masseuse, whom I have seen regularly throughout the year. She helps me relax but also connect with my son in a way I hadn't imagined. He feels very close when I am with her. | I've also found comfort - and Tom - in unexpected places. One of my friends introduced me to a healing masseuse, whom I have seen regularly throughout the year. She helps me relax but also connect with my son in a way I hadn't imagined. He feels very close when I am with her. |
| A silent hug | A silent hug |
| Another friend took me singing at Questors, my local theatre. Our exuberant teacher, Vanessa, explained that singing helped express the emotions churning away inside. The memories of the life Tom enjoyed are what sustain us | Another friend took me singing at Questors, my local theatre. Our exuberant teacher, Vanessa, explained that singing helped express the emotions churning away inside. The memories of the life Tom enjoyed are what sustain us |
| Most of all, a silent hug has said more than any words, certainly more than some of the things people have chosen to say, such as: "We all think it could have been me." (But it wasn't.) | Most of all, a silent hug has said more than any words, certainly more than some of the things people have chosen to say, such as: "We all think it could have been me." (But it wasn't.) |
| And "I think of it first thing at night and last thing in the morning." (Only then, lucky you.) | And "I think of it first thing at night and last thing in the morning." (Only then, lucky you.) |
| And "Are you feeling any better?" | And "Are you feeling any better?" |
| We soon realised that we couldn't do it all on our own. It was a relief to find that there was an organisation that could help us - CRY, or Cardiac Risk in the Young. | We soon realised that we couldn't do it all on our own. It was a relief to find that there was an organisation that could help us - CRY, or Cardiac Risk in the Young. |
| They campaign to raise awareness of sudden death in young people from heart conditions, and also offer bereavement counselling which I have found helpful. | They campaign to raise awareness of sudden death in young people from heart conditions, and also offer bereavement counselling which I have found helpful. |
| And they organise an annual event walking over London's bridges to raise awareness. We were joined on a sunny July day by about 140 family and friends. Tom's friends joined a fundraising walk in his memory | And they organise an annual event walking over London's bridges to raise awareness. We were joined on a sunny July day by about 140 family and friends. Tom's friends joined a fundraising walk in his memory |
| I was impressed to see so many of Tom's teenage friends turn up bright and early on a Sunday morning. But seeing them is bittersweet, as they are at an age when they change rapidly, and it reminds me again of the life our son has lost. | I was impressed to see so many of Tom's teenage friends turn up bright and early on a Sunday morning. But seeing them is bittersweet, as they are at an age when they change rapidly, and it reminds me again of the life our son has lost. |
| The house is still too quiet: I haven't yet learnt to cope without that noisy boy of mine crashing through the door, throwing his school bag down and shouting out hello. | The house is still too quiet: I haven't yet learnt to cope without that noisy boy of mine crashing through the door, throwing his school bag down and shouting out hello. |
| The memories of the life Tom enjoyed are what sustain us. We will be dealing with his loss for the rest of our lives but I will always hear him in my head urging me to laugh and carry on. | The memories of the life Tom enjoyed are what sustain us. We will be dealing with his loss for the rest of our lives but I will always hear him in my head urging me to laugh and carry on. |
| Add your comments on this story, using the form below. | Add your comments on this story, using the form below. |
| Irene died a day before her 16th birthday. When anyone asks if we have children my wife says no, but I want to say YES, I have a beautiful daughter. When people ask that question I say no, because it unsettles them and the conversation dies. We had Irene for a lot of years. I feel for those less fortunate.Michael Simpson, Glasgow | |
| I feel for Ms Prosser but it really bothers me that she criticises what people have said to her. Most of us have no IDEA what to say at times like this. These people are doing their best to try and let her know that they care. Some of us know there is nothing we can say but also know that we can't say nothing. We say those things that you don't find adequate because we want you to know that we care, that we're thinking of you, that you're not invisible, that we feel for you. NOT because we are trying to cure your pain, or make you feel better. When I lost my aunt last year it was incredibly hard. But I never held it against people that didn't know what to say. Maybe the things we say when someone is grieving don't help, but how would you feel if everyone disappeared and said nothing until you "got over it"? This is another thing I often hear (and have experienced) during grief - friends disappear because they don't know what to say. I'd like to translate what Ms Prosser's friends are saying here: "We all think it could have been me." Translation: I have children too and the thought of losing them terrifies me. I don't know how you're feeling but I do know how devastated I would be if I lost my child, and how devastated you must be now that you've lost yours. I don't know what to say but I want you to know that as a parent I feel for you. This is every parent's worst nightmare."Arianne, London | |
| I lost my sister 14 months ago and believe me there is no right thing to say to a bereaved person, so anything you say can't possibly be wrong. The worst is when people say nothing about it to you, as if it hadn't happened, even the clumsiest statements are well meant and from the heart. Please don't let this prevent you from speaking to a bereaved person - there is absolutely NO WRONG THING TO SAY. Gail, Blackpool | |
| Claire's thoughts about Tom echoed many bereaved parents, my own included. The pain, hurt and loss coupled with a desire to want to talk about your child whilst being treated normally by your friends and colleagues and not shunned by fear and awkwardness that surrounds our society's understanding of death and bereavement. For many years I worked as a volunteer on a helpline under the auspices of Great Ormond Street Hospital. It aims to lend a listening ear to the hurt, confusion and pain that surrounds the death of a child. All the volunteers are bereaved parents and they offer no magic cure, just a friendly ear where you are not ignored or given an empty platitude. My time on the helpline was an invaluable period for me and helped me look at the death of my own daughter, Joelle, in a new light, a light that now produces smiles and not tears. Claire I hope, like me, you always answer that question with "I have two children". Love, light and peace.Mike Foskett, London | |
| I, thank God, have not lost a child, but friends of ours have lost two - one as a child and the other as a teenager. There still seems a gap in the house when I go there, I still expect to see the "wicked" smile he had. At the time he died aged 14 he was beginning to develop into a lovely teenager with the glimpse of the adult he would become. We still talk and laugh at incidents that occurred while on holiday, like my sons and their friends tying him with dishcloths to the awning pole because he kept pestering them. Even though we were not the parents, it still felt as if a huge hole had happened in our lives that would never be filled. As you state, it is the memories of a life enjoyed that is remembered and talked about - and still talking about years after the sudden shock of his death is not only important to parents, but also those who used to know that person.Carys Williams, Penygroes, Caernarfon | |
| My brother died in 1990 very suddenly, he was 15 and I was 12. It was an asthma attack, probably brought on by peanuts (nut allergies weren't really heard of then). The shock of it, they're there then they're not, is probably the hardest thing to get over. I hope that Ellen is coping OK at school and that she is also getting counselling. I didn't go at the time, and now at 30 I realise that it was a mistake to ignore my feelings.Lindsay Munley, Hampshire | |
| Only people who are in the same situation as you will understand, others will say they know how you feel but they don't. My wife and I lost our young son 30+ years ago. In 30 years time, you will still remember all the good times. All I can say is be very very strong you still have each other.Alan White, Littlehampton, West Sussex | |
| The only thing you can do is to try and stop this happening to any other child, any other family, by working with that particular medical condition's support and prevention group. It's the only way to keep sane.Julie, London | |
| "And there is certainly no easy answer to a question that used to be harmless: 'How many children do you have?'" Oh how this strikes a chord. This is not a harmless question - thousands of parents have lost children, babies. It is horrible, six years on from loosing our first child. Please, anyone reading this - never ask this question. It has caused more tears than the innocent conversation-makers have any idea about. Do I say two and have to go through explaining, or do I say one and feel racked with guilt at denying my dead child? If you must ask anyone this question then try: is it just (child's name) at home then? Or is it just you and your partner at home? The bereaved parent then doesn't have to explain any absences unless they want to.Cate, Yorkshire | |
| I never ask people any more how many kids they have. It turns out so many wanted more, had miscarriages... Comforting people with these losses is very difficult. When told bad news I have learned to conceal my distress for them. This is empathy they don't need, your sorrow and fear when they have so much of their own. The unspoken solidarity of a hug, or a touch, or a simple "I'm sorry" is best, unless you are a close friend.Sandra, Gloucester | |
| I lost my sister, some seventeen years ago now, in a car accident. She was 17. Although I will never forget my baby sister, but if anyone now asks me if I have any brothers or sisters I always say "it's just me". Partly to spare the person's discomfort with presenting them with the truth and then the awkwardness that follows when they don't know what to say. I still think about her a lot and I am sure she is never that far away - keeping an eye on us all. Sounds cliched but time is a great healer.Julie G, Christchurch, Dorset | |
| My older brother Neil was knocked down and killed by a drunk driver 12 years ago in Birmingham. The other day I was approached by someone I didn't recognise, but who recognised me. He had rowed in the same crew as my brother at university. The fact that Neil made such an impact on the lives of those who knew him that they remember and recognise his little brother 12 years later is comfort. My own memories, and being able to talk about my memories and those of friends is comfort. Grief doesn't end, you just get more practise at dealing with it, and controlling when and how you express it. Scant consolation, but all we have.Ian White, London | |
| As a doting father of four, you have my deepest sympathy. What a gorgeous son. You can see the kindness and happiness in his face, and you evidently made his short 14 years very, very happy ones.CJ Smith, Belfast | |