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| Version 2 | Version 3 |
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| Life without my noisy boy | Life without my noisy boy |
| (20 minutes later) | |
| A year ago, Claire Prosser's teenage son died suddenly of an undiagnosed heart condition. Here, she explains what helps her cope - and what not to say to a grieving parent. | A year ago, Claire Prosser's teenage son died suddenly of an undiagnosed heart condition. Here, she explains what helps her cope - and what not to say to a grieving parent. |
| We're invisible. You can't tell just by looking at us. There isn't even a name for parents who have lost children. | We're invisible. You can't tell just by looking at us. There isn't even a name for parents who have lost children. |
| And there is certainly no easy answer to a question that used to be harmless: "How many children do you have?" | And there is certainly no easy answer to a question that used to be harmless: "How many children do you have?" |
| I'm still working on that one. At the moment I say: "Two, but one died a year ago." FIND OUT MORE Life After Tom is broadcast on Radio 4 on Monday 13 October at 2000 BSTOr catch up with the BBC iPlayer Sudden deaths claim young livesFacing life after Tom | I'm still working on that one. At the moment I say: "Two, but one died a year ago." FIND OUT MORE Life After Tom is broadcast on Radio 4 on Monday 13 October at 2000 BSTOr catch up with the BBC iPlayer Sudden deaths claim young livesFacing life after Tom |
| So how do you cope when your child dies? And, as in my case - when it happens completely out of the blue? | So how do you cope when your child dies? And, as in my case - when it happens completely out of the blue? |
| One minute I had a cheerful, talkative 14-year-old son called Tom, the next he was dead, from an undiagnosed heart condition. | One minute I had a cheerful, talkative 14-year-old son called Tom, the next he was dead, from an undiagnosed heart condition. |
| At first we simply clung together - me, my husband Paul and our 13-year-old daughter Ellen. There was a deluge of post, e-mails, texts, endless knocking at the front door. | At first we simply clung together - me, my husband Paul and our 13-year-old daughter Ellen. There was a deluge of post, e-mails, texts, endless knocking at the front door. |
| Then I looked on the internet and found myself immersed in the utter misery that is parents dealing with the death of a child. I read heart-rending personal stories and looked at chatrooms until my head was bursting.Tom went to bed one night and didn't wake up | |
| The next thing I tried was books. Most were American with dubious titles like A Broken Heart Still Beats and I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye. | |
| A friend gave me The Bereaved Parent by Harriet Sarnoff Schiff. Its easy-to-read chapters show their age in the treats it suggests, like a new eye shadow or giving your husband a Scotch after cooking his dinner. | A friend gave me The Bereaved Parent by Harriet Sarnoff Schiff. Its easy-to-read chapters show their age in the treats it suggests, like a new eye shadow or giving your husband a Scotch after cooking his dinner. |
| But it pretty much tells it like it is, in chapters headed Bereavement and Marriage, Bereavement and Grieving, Bereavement and... the rest of your life. | But it pretty much tells it like it is, in chapters headed Bereavement and Marriage, Bereavement and Grieving, Bereavement and... the rest of your life. |
| The British books that stood out were Michael Rosen's Sad Book and his memoir, Carrying the Elephant, both of which refer to the death of his 18-year-old son from meningitis. Both spoke to the very core of me. | The British books that stood out were Michael Rosen's Sad Book and his memoir, Carrying the Elephant, both of which refer to the death of his 18-year-old son from meningitis. Both spoke to the very core of me. |
| Tom's mum talks about his heart condition | |
| But, like my son, I'm a people person and sensed from the beginning that I would need the support of others. I quickly learnt that some of my friends were to cry with, others to laugh with, still others just for listening. Only a very small few could supply the lot - and what a big ask from me. | But, like my son, I'm a people person and sensed from the beginning that I would need the support of others. I quickly learnt that some of my friends were to cry with, others to laugh with, still others just for listening. Only a very small few could supply the lot - and what a big ask from me. |
| I've also found comfort - and Tom - in unexpected places. One of my friends introduced me to a healing masseuse, whom I have seen regularly throughout the year. She helps me relax but also connect with my son in a way I hadn't imagined. He feels very close when I am with her. | |
| A silent hug | |
| Another friend took me singing at Questors, my local theatre. Our exuberant teacher, Vanessa, explained that singing helped express the emotions churning away inside. The memories of the life Tom enjoyed are what sustain us | |
| Most of all, a silent hug has said more than any words, certainly more than some of the things people have chosen to say, such as: "We all think it could have been me." (But it wasn't.) | Most of all, a silent hug has said more than any words, certainly more than some of the things people have chosen to say, such as: "We all think it could have been me." (But it wasn't.) |
| And "I think of it first thing at night and last thing in the morning." (Only then, lucky you.) | And "I think of it first thing at night and last thing in the morning." (Only then, lucky you.) |
| And "Are you feeling any better?" | And "Are you feeling any better?" |
| We soon realised that we couldn't do it all on our own. It was a relief to find that there was an organisation that could help us - CRY, or Cardiac Risk in the Young. | We soon realised that we couldn't do it all on our own. It was a relief to find that there was an organisation that could help us - CRY, or Cardiac Risk in the Young. |
| They campaign to raise awareness of sudden death in young people from heart conditions, and also offer bereavement counselling which I have found helpful. | |
| And they organise an annual event walking over London's bridges to raise awareness. We were joined on a sunny July day by about 140 family and friends. Tom's friends joined a fundraising walk in his memory | |
| I was impressed to see so many of Tom's teenage friends turn up bright and early on a Sunday morning. But seeing them is bittersweet, as they are at an age when they change rapidly, and it reminds me again of the life our son has lost. | I was impressed to see so many of Tom's teenage friends turn up bright and early on a Sunday morning. But seeing them is bittersweet, as they are at an age when they change rapidly, and it reminds me again of the life our son has lost. |
| The house is still too quiet: I haven't yet learnt to cope without that noisy boy of mine crashing through the door, throwing his school bag down and shouting out hello. | The house is still too quiet: I haven't yet learnt to cope without that noisy boy of mine crashing through the door, throwing his school bag down and shouting out hello. |
| The memories of the life Tom enjoyed are what sustain us. We will be dealing with his loss for the rest of our lives but I will always hear him in my head urging me to laugh and carry on. | The memories of the life Tom enjoyed are what sustain us. We will be dealing with his loss for the rest of our lives but I will always hear him in my head urging me to laugh and carry on. |
| Add your comments on this story, using the form below. | Add your comments on this story, using the form below. |