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Men! If you name your penis, you’re a tool Men! If you name your penis, you’re a tool
(about 2 hours later)
When I introduce people to the gun show, it’s convenient to be able to refer to my prominent, masculine biceps by their appointed names. Robert and Nozick get a fair amount of airing in this weather, as does my Shatneresque paunch, which I have grown accustomed to styling Billy Boy. I decided to call my good eye Cruise a while back, and the fingers on my dominant hand are named after members of the Jackson 5. My nose used to be called Sherlock, but in recent years he’s transitioned to a Caesar. The moles on my forearms are named after participants in Custer’s Last Stand. The General has two small black hairs growing out of him, which I like to pretend is his hat.When I introduce people to the gun show, it’s convenient to be able to refer to my prominent, masculine biceps by their appointed names. Robert and Nozick get a fair amount of airing in this weather, as does my Shatneresque paunch, which I have grown accustomed to styling Billy Boy. I decided to call my good eye Cruise a while back, and the fingers on my dominant hand are named after members of the Jackson 5. My nose used to be called Sherlock, but in recent years he’s transitioned to a Caesar. The moles on my forearms are named after participants in Custer’s Last Stand. The General has two small black hairs growing out of him, which I like to pretend is his hat.
None of the aforementioned Pulitzer-bait journalism is true. While the world burns, you’ve been wasting precious seconds reading a whole list of lies. Why? Because of news, that’s why. A silly survey has discovered the names that men give to their penis, and no part of this breaking story is not absurd. If you’d rather fill your head with think-pieces about why everyone should leave London, click away now. Those of us who are staying are going to briefly indulge in a chat about the titles bestowed on male sex organs, because it’s Friday.None of the aforementioned Pulitzer-bait journalism is true. While the world burns, you’ve been wasting precious seconds reading a whole list of lies. Why? Because of news, that’s why. A silly survey has discovered the names that men give to their penis, and no part of this breaking story is not absurd. If you’d rather fill your head with think-pieces about why everyone should leave London, click away now. Those of us who are staying are going to briefly indulge in a chat about the titles bestowed on male sex organs, because it’s Friday.
Do wedding invitations have to specify whether your penis is also invited to attend?Do wedding invitations have to specify whether your penis is also invited to attend?
No part of my body has a name. Collectively it’s come to be known as Rupert, a name that you can bet your comment privileges I didn’t select. If I had a pound for every contribution below the line that suggests Rupert as a good name for a penis, I’d have Yanis Varoufakis on the phone begging me for help. Maybe being called Rupert put me off the idea of naming things for life, because it couldn’t get any worse, even if I started calling my knees Tarquin and Cornelius.No part of my body has a name. Collectively it’s come to be known as Rupert, a name that you can bet your comment privileges I didn’t select. If I had a pound for every contribution below the line that suggests Rupert as a good name for a penis, I’d have Yanis Varoufakis on the phone begging me for help. Maybe being called Rupert put me off the idea of naming things for life, because it couldn’t get any worse, even if I started calling my knees Tarquin and Cornelius.
There’s the first thing about this story that’s nonsense: we don’t name any other part of our bodies. When Ranulph Fiennes was trekking to the poles solo, he went a little crazy under the overwhelming pressure of total isolation and began talking to things like his ski poles. Antarctic explorers and astronauts bereft of human contact are allowed to name their penis, the rest of us need to get out more. It’s a sign of sheer instability. Do you start referring to yourself in the plural? Do wedding invitations have to specify whether your penis is also invited to attend? Bad news folks, I’m one of those needy people who likes to take theirs everywhere.There’s the first thing about this story that’s nonsense: we don’t name any other part of our bodies. When Ranulph Fiennes was trekking to the poles solo, he went a little crazy under the overwhelming pressure of total isolation and began talking to things like his ski poles. Antarctic explorers and astronauts bereft of human contact are allowed to name their penis, the rest of us need to get out more. It’s a sign of sheer instability. Do you start referring to yourself in the plural? Do wedding invitations have to specify whether your penis is also invited to attend? Bad news folks, I’m one of those needy people who likes to take theirs everywhere.
Seven out of 10 men, this survey claims, name their penis. We are unreliably informed that 72% of men go for a masculine name for their penis, such as Hercules or Troy, while the remainder opt for a wacky identity such as “Russell the Muscle”. The bravado of any man prepared to risk a joke name for his penis has to be fleetingly admired, but the desperate awfulness of naming it after an ancient warrior has all the predictability of a used-car showroom. Just as Mitsubishi aren’t really selling a hereditary military commander from the days of Japanese feudalism, so your pants don’t contain a divine hero capable of slaying a nine-headed hydra or cleaning out the Augean stables in a limited timeframe.Seven out of 10 men, this survey claims, name their penis. We are unreliably informed that 72% of men go for a masculine name for their penis, such as Hercules or Troy, while the remainder opt for a wacky identity such as “Russell the Muscle”. The bravado of any man prepared to risk a joke name for his penis has to be fleetingly admired, but the desperate awfulness of naming it after an ancient warrior has all the predictability of a used-car showroom. Just as Mitsubishi aren’t really selling a hereditary military commander from the days of Japanese feudalism, so your pants don’t contain a divine hero capable of slaying a nine-headed hydra or cleaning out the Augean stables in a limited timeframe.
But at least Hercules is the name of a person. Imagine telling someone that you’d named your penis after the 20th-century battleship the Dreadnought, only to later explain that no, it isn’t named for its heavy-calibre weaponry, turbo-propulsion or wartime reliability, it’s just a cool name for a part of your body you feel awkward enough about to name. If you truly wanted a name that suggested durable, memorable enjoyment with a satisfying conclusion, your penis would be named Breaking Bad, but it isn’t on the list. Instead, at number three, we have The Rock. I have thought about it for five minutes, and I don’t understand what Gibraltar did to deserve this.But at least Hercules is the name of a person. Imagine telling someone that you’d named your penis after the 20th-century battleship the Dreadnought, only to later explain that no, it isn’t named for its heavy-calibre weaponry, turbo-propulsion or wartime reliability, it’s just a cool name for a part of your body you feel awkward enough about to name. If you truly wanted a name that suggested durable, memorable enjoyment with a satisfying conclusion, your penis would be named Breaking Bad, but it isn’t on the list. Instead, at number three, we have The Rock. I have thought about it for five minutes, and I don’t understand what Gibraltar did to deserve this.
Related: When it comes to sexual desirability, balls are often treated as an afterthought | Mike BarryRelated: When it comes to sexual desirability, balls are often treated as an afterthought | Mike Barry
Maybe in the past men were too busy being in charge of everything to worry about naming their penis. Buildings were phallic, men waged wars, drank at lunchtime and amused themselves with killing animals. Now that we have more time on our hands, and the balance of power is slowly shifting towards equality, we seem to have taken to preening ourselves, hitting the gym and naming the one part of our body that made us special. When Michael introduced Katherine to Ralph in Judy Bloom’s 1975 novel Forever, perhaps the writing was on the wall for smoky rooms filled with powerful men who existed on a diet of bacon and whisky. Maybe in the past men were too busy being in charge of everything to worry about naming their penis. Buildings were phallic, men waged wars, drank at lunchtime and amused themselves with killing animals. Now that we have more time on our hands, and the balance of power is slowly shifting towards equality, we seem to have taken to preening ourselves, hitting the gym and naming the one part of our body that made us special. When Michael introduced Katherine to Ralph in Judy Blume’s 1975 novel Forever, perhaps the writing was on the wall for smoky rooms filled with powerful men who existed on a diet of bacon and whisky.
I cannot end this cry against the absurdity of penis naming without mentioning the 11th most popular name that men have for their penis: Napoleon. To those who have picked a tribute to Nappy, I can only assume that you are publicly recognising the abject strategic failure that is your sex life, or are making a ham-fisted joke about his surname. Either way, to the extent that it makes fun of the French, we can all get behind it (lol). This narcissistic, embarrassing revelation should be a wake-up call, a slap across the face to men everywhere. Seven out of 10 of us need to grow a pair, and then resist the nonsensical urge to give them names.I cannot end this cry against the absurdity of penis naming without mentioning the 11th most popular name that men have for their penis: Napoleon. To those who have picked a tribute to Nappy, I can only assume that you are publicly recognising the abject strategic failure that is your sex life, or are making a ham-fisted joke about his surname. Either way, to the extent that it makes fun of the French, we can all get behind it (lol). This narcissistic, embarrassing revelation should be a wake-up call, a slap across the face to men everywhere. Seven out of 10 of us need to grow a pair, and then resist the nonsensical urge to give them names.