School assemblies need a revamp – how about yoga and enforced eye contact?

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jun/15/prayers-school-assembly-charles-clarke

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The number of people who attend church in the UK is diminishing, and as a result, the country’s religious practices are changing. As the former education secretary Charles Clarke calls for an end to compulsory acts of worship in schools, what is to become of the daily assembly that normally provides it? If traditional prayers and a tuneless stab at He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands are scrapped, how might we replace the compulsory institution that taught so many of the virtues of sitting silently on a hard floor? What other valuable life lessons could be crammed into assembly time instead?

Classes in disappointment

If there is a significant gap in the national curriculum, it is the total lack of preparation school gave any of us for the arrival of Indiana Jones 4. At the moment, school assemblies only provide lessons in crushing disappointment to people who go on to lose faith in an afterlife. Yet week after week we see our favourite characters stabbed, raped, blinded and burned on Game of Thrones, and it continues to horrify us, because our educations left us unable to anticipate or process disappointment. Rather than giving all children prizes, there should be competitions in which the winner is then stripped of victory at the whim of the teacher. The prize could then be re-awarded to the school bully, or just put in the bin. Children should be given small animals to care for, and then at the end of term made to watch them try to scurry across a three-lane motorway. If the RSPCA isn’t completely on board with this, “flour babies” could be torched on the school playing field.

How to avoid a boring party guest

School does not prepare most of us for one of life’s greatest issues: the challenge of leaving a boring conversation at a drinks party without offending anyone. The introduction of an unwitting passerby to the conversation, allowing for graceful exit, could be rehearsed at length. “You should speak to Ed, he has some very forceful views on the importance of scrapping Christian school assemblies,” and so forth.

Crisis management

A few early lessons in crisis management, swapping public relations for prayer, and the next generation won’t have to get down on their knees to beg forgiveness every time they make a mistake. Snapchat something that could be interpreted as racist? Wearing a shirt with pictures of scantily clad women on it? Find yourself naked atop a sacred local mountain? This generation of children are being educated in a world where a moment’s idiocy can result in the end of a career, the destruction of a reputation and Google search results that guarantee to leave someone unemployable. Time to give some lessons in public relations, to teach children to keep their cool while all the other Twitter accounts around them are losing theirs.

How to talk to about politics

Whether you’re stuck in a boring conversation with a stranger at a drinks party or sitting in the audience of a Labour leadership hustings, you are likely to be surrounded by people who violently disagree with you about politics. Preparation is vital, and our schoolchildren should be taught how to demur politely when hearing someone champion Jeremy Corbyn’s potential to be prime minister, or liken Liz Kendall to a member of the Taliban. Preparing children for the hostile climate of university politics by teaching them how to suffer fools gladly will be a life lesson they will continue to utilise until the end of their days.

Furniture construction

Forget teaching children about Noah’s ark, there is no space in the current curriculum for even basic guidance on the assembly of flat-pack furniture. Rather than hear the parable of the loaves and the fishes, children could be exposed to the miracle of correctly assembling an Ikea wardrobe. Not only will this provide practical guidance, but it could save the NHS billions from the A&E visits caused by DIY. The NHS deals with some 7 million visits to A&E caused by accidents each year. School assemblies could help prevent this under-appreciated problem.

Statistics

Rather than the abstract risk of going to hell, children could learn the risks of driving, flying or overconsumption of sweets. Assemblies to learn about statistics would help to give them a sense of the likelihood of events occurring, leave them less susceptible to fears of imminent terrorist attack and reduce the capability of scaremongers, wherever they are found.

Yoga

If there’s one thing I could do during school assemblies which I can no longer, it’s sit cross-legged on a hard floor. Scrapping school assemblies leaves the serious risk of children growing up without this flexibility. Childhood obesity is one of the most serious global public health challenges for the century. If you’re going to scrap psalms, give the kids some planking. Ditch Deuteronomy for downward-facing dog. I’d swap knowing the lyrics to Kumbaya in a heartbeat to be able to pull off a wide-legged forward bend with hands in namaste.

Enforced eye contact

Rather than learning that the eyes of God see all, children could be learning the benefit of direct eye contact (something that the British are woefully bad at). Why not force them to spend 15 minutes a day engaged in conversation with a randomly assigned partner and require them to maintain eye contact? Glances at a watch, computer or mobile phone could be punished by having to reset the 15-minute period. Conversations relating to things that have occurred only on the internet or television would be banned.

Corruption in sport

Much like the classes in disappointment, children could be exposed to the reality that many of their cherished sports are corrupt. From the bribing of Fifa officials to the widespread doping in cycling, children should be taught not to forgive fallen heroes like Lance Armstrong, and to be circumspect about the bureaucracy behind sport in general. Render unto Blatter the things that are Blatter’s.