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| So, which of the Fifa conspiracy theories do you buy into? | So, which of the Fifa conspiracy theories do you buy into? |
| (35 minutes later) | |
| There is a character in the Martin Amis novel The Information who gets to the stage of feeling like he really needs a cigarette even when he’s smoking a cigarette. An analogous sensation afflicts those drawn to conspiracy theories about the Fifa scandal. Guys, guys, guys … this already IS a massive conspiracy. Do we really need to claim it’s all actually about something else? | There is a character in the Martin Amis novel The Information who gets to the stage of feeling like he really needs a cigarette even when he’s smoking a cigarette. An analogous sensation afflicts those drawn to conspiracy theories about the Fifa scandal. Guys, guys, guys … this already IS a massive conspiracy. Do we really need to claim it’s all actually about something else? |
| Yes, is the answer. Yes we do. I can’t remember whether this was all foretold in an appendix to The Wealth of Nations or if it was the Book of Revelation, but we have now reached the bit of late-stage capitalism/endtimes where it is de rigueur to float conspiracy theories even about conspiracies. | Yes, is the answer. Yes we do. I can’t remember whether this was all foretold in an appendix to The Wealth of Nations or if it was the Book of Revelation, but we have now reached the bit of late-stage capitalism/endtimes where it is de rigueur to float conspiracy theories even about conspiracies. |
| Related: Fifa bidding process for 2026 World Cup postponed | Related: Fifa bidding process for 2026 World Cup postponed |
| God knows the homemade Fifa investigation board now dominates two walls of my bedroom, and is beginning to look like one of those LSD spiderwebs, what with all the lines of yarn linking pictures of ExCo members with ones of Princess Di and the Twin Towers and whatnot. I’m particularly proud of my work proving Sepp Blatter is the direct descendant of Jesus and his wife Mary Magdalene. Eat my dust, Robert Langdon – this ends HERE. | God knows the homemade Fifa investigation board now dominates two walls of my bedroom, and is beginning to look like one of those LSD spiderwebs, what with all the lines of yarn linking pictures of ExCo members with ones of Princess Di and the Twin Towers and whatnot. I’m particularly proud of my work proving Sepp Blatter is the direct descendant of Jesus and his wife Mary Magdalene. Eat my dust, Robert Langdon – this ends HERE. |
| Here, then, follows a roundup of the best actual Fifa conspiracy conspiracies currently doing the rounds, so you can find the perfect one in which to lose yourself: | |
| • Sepp Blatter is the victim of a conspiracy. Though this has much to recommend it, it’s faintly undermined by the fact that the chief tinfoil hatters on it are Blatter and Blatter’s daughter. The first whiff of this came when Sepp cast the FBI arrests as an attempt to “interfere with” Fifa’s congress. “I am not certain,” he hedged, “but this does not smell good.” You’ve heard of selective hearing: say hello to selective smelling. This is the equivalent of working in a sewage treatment facility and complaining about a colleague’s aftershave. “I don’t know if you want to call them dark forces,” Blatter’s daughter has confided of those mysterious agencies out to destroy her father, “but, I mean, they really tried hard.” Frankly, this conspiracy needs to try harder – for any hope of traction they need to get at least Oliver Stone on board. | |
| • It’s just a marketing ploy for the Fifa vanity movie United Passions. You’ve always got to love the “PR stunt” conspiracists. They see everything! Even now there are those claiming the hacking of Sony Pictures was nothing more than a publicity stunt for crappy Seth Rogen comedy The Interview, despite the fact it led to senior executives coming under heavy fire, and the pissing off of a series of A-list stars. And so with Fifa, whose dedication to United Passions is so absolute that it is willing to destroy its organisation and incur 428 consecutive life sentences just to get this motion picture seen. | • It’s just a marketing ploy for the Fifa vanity movie United Passions. You’ve always got to love the “PR stunt” conspiracists. They see everything! Even now there are those claiming the hacking of Sony Pictures was nothing more than a publicity stunt for crappy Seth Rogen comedy The Interview, despite the fact it led to senior executives coming under heavy fire, and the pissing off of a series of A-list stars. And so with Fifa, whose dedication to United Passions is so absolute that it is willing to destroy its organisation and incur 428 consecutive life sentences just to get this motion picture seen. |
| • And so to a group of conspiracies we shall place beneath the umbrella heading “Because America”. Because, you know … AMERICA. Sample theory: the US is as terrified by how powerful soccer has become as it once was by Jimi Hendrix’s rise, which is why they have to kill it. As they did Jimi. Don’t fancy that one? There are plenty of other flavours, although Henry Kissinger’s love of soccer means the traditional conspiracy theorist’s darling will be feeling a little left out of this party. Still, big names attached to the Because America conspiracy theories include Jack Warner, who of course cited an Onion article as evidence for his belief that this all stemmed from the US losing out to Qatar for 2022 hosting rights. | • And so to a group of conspiracies we shall place beneath the umbrella heading “Because America”. Because, you know … AMERICA. Sample theory: the US is as terrified by how powerful soccer has become as it once was by Jimi Hendrix’s rise, which is why they have to kill it. As they did Jimi. Don’t fancy that one? There are plenty of other flavours, although Henry Kissinger’s love of soccer means the traditional conspiracy theorist’s darling will be feeling a little left out of this party. Still, big names attached to the Because America conspiracy theories include Jack Warner, who of course cited an Onion article as evidence for his belief that this all stemmed from the US losing out to Qatar for 2022 hosting rights. |
| • Deserving of a category all of its own is the idea that this is a specifically anti-Russian conspiracy by the US. A Mr V Putin of Moscow is on board with this one, obviously, which is best glossed by the Kremlin official who told Time: “So there are clearly forces in America that are trying to turn anything positive that we have into a new channel of confrontation. And even if there was bribery going on [at Fifa], why would the Americans only bring it up now, just after Fifa refused the demands of [US] senators to revoke Russia’s right to host the champions?” Why indeed? Sport’s always been war by other means; now it’s Cold War by other means. | • Deserving of a category all of its own is the idea that this is a specifically anti-Russian conspiracy by the US. A Mr V Putin of Moscow is on board with this one, obviously, which is best glossed by the Kremlin official who told Time: “So there are clearly forces in America that are trying to turn anything positive that we have into a new channel of confrontation. And even if there was bribery going on [at Fifa], why would the Americans only bring it up now, just after Fifa refused the demands of [US] senators to revoke Russia’s right to host the champions?” Why indeed? Sport’s always been war by other means; now it’s Cold War by other means. |
| • And with an inevitability as edifying as it is imaginative: it’s the Jews. Come on, you knew it was them all along, didncha? This conspiracy suggests the FBI arrests somehow derailed the Palestinian FA’s threat to seek Israel’s suspension from Fifa, and of course the US will do anything for Israel, even for Israel’s FA … I’m sorry, I haven’t the strength to go on with this paragraph. Maybe another time. | |
| In the meantime, conspiracy seekers, pick one of the above. Pick three. Just don’t allow yourself to be a slave to what they’re telling you, which is that this is just a vast international conspiracy involving money laundering, wire fraud, bribery and racketeering. | In the meantime, conspiracy seekers, pick one of the above. Pick three. Just don’t allow yourself to be a slave to what they’re telling you, which is that this is just a vast international conspiracy involving money laundering, wire fraud, bribery and racketeering. |
| (Incidentally, just as an FYI to any tempted to contact me and wake me up to the reality of any of these conspiracies, but most particularly the Jews one: all emails I receive will be handed directly to a selection of world governments – and, indeed, to THE world government – who will come round when you are sleeping and implant a listening device in one of your upper molars. So do stay your hand: your activities are simply too damn important to be compromised by this kind of surveillance.) | (Incidentally, just as an FYI to any tempted to contact me and wake me up to the reality of any of these conspiracies, but most particularly the Jews one: all emails I receive will be handed directly to a selection of world governments – and, indeed, to THE world government – who will come round when you are sleeping and implant a listening device in one of your upper molars. So do stay your hand: your activities are simply too damn important to be compromised by this kind of surveillance.) |