This is Fifa’s Watergate. Let me remind you how it all ended, Sepp

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/may/29/corruption-fifa-blatter

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Oh America, America, America! I adore you as the world’s policeman. Not the world’s policeman as the role was previously defined: which was to say, the world’s bungling warmonger (bunglingly assisted by sidekicks such as ourselves). As that, you were somewhat less lovable. But with this business of being an actual policeman, and hunting down Fifa felons, you are really spoiling us.

It is possible you have hit on the perfect foreign policy for your post-foreign policy era: tasking the FBI’s finest with solving the emotive cases other jurisdictions somehow can’t bring themselves to nail, despite being given literally decades to have a crack. In fact, without wishing to add to the caseload of the elite Quantico-based team currently taking down Fifa, maybe when they’re done with this one they can come and arrest all our establishment paedophiles and those who protected them, as you get the feeling that’s going to be another one mysteriously beyond the powers of our authorities.

For those of us who’ve been mired in Fifa-watching for years, the most clear and present danger this week was of succumbing to Stendhal syndrome, and passing out at the majesty of it all. It was difficult not to feel a few ecstatic flutters watching footage of Fifa bigwigs being publicly escorted into police cars with hotel staff apparently shielding them with their dirty linen. Or hearing that a certain US-headquartered sportswear company was soon to face some awkward questions. There are just so many tantalising angles yet to be explored. There has barely even been time to begin properly reminding people that Uefa boss and clean-up-man-come-lately Michel Platini voted for Qatar, and was accused of having been given a Picasso by Vladimir Putin. Denied, of course, with lawyers involved, but we look forward to hearing more about him in the weeks and months ahead.

The only thing I’d have done differently would have been to take Diana Ross along on the dawn raid in Zurich. I very much doubt she’s ever got over that calamitous penalty miss during the 1994 World Cup opening ceremony, and it would have been great for the erstwhile Supreme to have just stood in the lobby of the Baur au Lac hotel and let out a primal scream like Stuart Pearce exorcising his 1990 World Cup penalty miss in Euro 96, in the victory over Spain that put England through to the semis. But Diana aside, the FBI have played a blinder.

But what of Blatter? After so long writing about Fifa, I’ve lost count of the ways sought to shed light on its president. The consummate machine politician. The most successful non-homicidal dictator of the past century – certainly since Marshal Tito. The man who casts criticism of Fifa as racism. The man who placed “extreme pressure” on the grieving Nelson Mandela to attend the 2010 World Cup final. They’ve all had a run-out. But this time, with the FBI’s timing on the eve of a presidential election, I didn’t have to look very far for the analogy.

Above the desk where I type hangs a poster from Richard Nixon’s 1972 re-election campaign. It shows Nixon in reflective pose – as well it might – in the Oval office. His back is turned on the viewer, and he is staring out of the window. The caption reads: “The nation needs coolness more than clarion calls; intelligence more than charisma; a sense of history more than a sense of histrionics.” Clarion calls, histrionics … to what gathering Nixonian storms – or “unfortunate events”, as Blatter would probably have it – might these words be retroactively fancied to be references?

And of course, he won that election. There is an understandable tendency among some not familiar with the details of the story to telescope the Washington Post’s Watergate investigation into an explosive scoop that brought down the president in short order. In fact, the paper was months into running their long and painstaking series of stories chipping away at the money trails and machinations when Nixon ran for re-election in 1972, despite it already being clear that the committee for the re-election of the president – the unfortunately acronymed CREEP – was tainted by a massive campaign of dirty tricks, including illegal activity. Decades on, those coming fresh to the Watergate legend are often surprised to learn that Nixon still won by one of the largest landslides in American political history.

And so to yesterday’s presidential re-election in Zurich, which produced a result that new converts to Fifa-watching may find puzzling, given what we know. A president brazened it out, having dismissed any untoward activity by his underlings as nothing to do with him.

The question is how long Blatter can survive beyond this victory. Nixon made it almost two years before he was forced to resign, as the trail led relentlessly to the Oval Office. On the form-book, you’d be brave to bet against Sepp serving out his fifth and final term. And yet, already there are those explicitly wondering whether it is the cover-up that will do for him (another unavoidably Nixonian echo).

While we wait to see, it’s worth remembering the sheer scale of the thing that Blatter controls. Fifa is a body best described as supranational, which overrides even the constitutions of the countries to which it parasitically attaches itself for tournaments every four years, before sucking out billions tax-free. Blatter’s peer group have never been mere sporting administrators – last year, he made a speech boasting of Fifa’s immense funds at a time “when states are in debt”. Insulated in Zurich, assisted by the opacities of the Swiss banking system, he has effectively functioned as a head of state, forging alliances with emergent powers and oppressive regimes.

Given this, and its systemic corruption, some might even call Fifa a rogue state – and like most rogue states, it has significant allies. This week, Vladimir Putin effectively denounced the FBI’s actions as US attacks on a key strategic partner. “It’s another clear attempt by the USA to spread its jurisdiction to other states,” declared the Russian president. “It’s a clear attempt not to allow Mr Blatter to be re-elected as president of Fifa … And we know about the pressure put on him to prevent the 2018 World Cup from taking place in Russia.”

Football, eh? It’s only a game. And as he battles nobly to restore confidence in the way he runs it, Sepp Blatter must take comfort from the words of our earlier hero: “You must pursue this investigation of Watergate even if it leads to the president. I’m innocent. You’ve got to believe I’m innocent. If you don’t, take my job.”