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Professor, clean thyself: a catalogue of irritants at the British Library Professor, clean thyself: a catalogue of irritants at the British Library
(35 minutes later)
The British Library, like the BBC and the Royal Mail, is one of our great national institutions, so it’s surprising the Conservative party hasn’t set about vandalising it yet.The British Library, like the BBC and the Royal Mail, is one of our great national institutions, so it’s surprising the Conservative party hasn’t set about vandalising it yet.
Behind its sheepish facade on Euston Road in London, the building Prince Charles once accurately described as “a dim collection of brick sheds groping for some symbolic significance” hosts a collection of glorious reading rooms in which you can order up any book that has ever been published in this country.Behind its sheepish facade on Euston Road in London, the building Prince Charles once accurately described as “a dim collection of brick sheds groping for some symbolic significance” hosts a collection of glorious reading rooms in which you can order up any book that has ever been published in this country.
Not coincidentally, it is also the capital’s main hub for freelance writers who crave an ambience of human warmth even when they don’t actually want to talk to anybody.Not coincidentally, it is also the capital’s main hub for freelance writers who crave an ambience of human warmth even when they don’t actually want to talk to anybody.
But trouble is afoot in these aisles, thanks to mass teenage immigration. In order to get a reading room pass back when I first started using the library, you had to supply an embossed, letterheaded publisher’s guarantee that you were researching a monograph about peas and thus needed to consult ancient agricultural tracts. But trouble is afoot in these aisles, thanks to mass teenage immigration. In order to get a reading room pass back when I first started using the library, you had to supply an embossed, letterheaded publisher’s guarantee that you were researching a monograph about peas and thus needed to consult ancient agricultural tracts. These days, you more or less just have to claim that you are able to read. So, come university exam time, the reading rooms fill up with cramming undergraduates. And the professors are unhappy.
These days, you more or less just have to claim that you are able to read. So, come university exam time, the reading rooms fill up with cramming undergraduates. And the professors are unhappy.
Academics who come to the library to pore over the deservedly forgotten rantings of some 16th-century astrologer-cum-poet have complained that the place has become a giant “students’ union”, with the youngsters on YouTube or Facebook all day, filling seats for which the profs have a greater need.Academics who come to the library to pore over the deservedly forgotten rantings of some 16th-century astrologer-cum-poet have complained that the place has become a giant “students’ union”, with the youngsters on YouTube or Facebook all day, filling seats for which the profs have a greater need.
As an extremely irritable writer myself, I must say that this is a little unfair. Of course the students can be annoying if they whisper and giggle a lot, or stay locked in a passionate snog for more than, say, 10 minutes. But simply having Facebook open on one’s laptop is hardly a sign of intellectual degradation: they might be participating in a Facebook group discussion about philosophy or particle physics that is far more intellectually vigorous than the tweedy grumbler’s pedantic comparison of textual editions of a really bad play that no one should ever stage again.As an extremely irritable writer myself, I must say that this is a little unfair. Of course the students can be annoying if they whisper and giggle a lot, or stay locked in a passionate snog for more than, say, 10 minutes. But simply having Facebook open on one’s laptop is hardly a sign of intellectual degradation: they might be participating in a Facebook group discussion about philosophy or particle physics that is far more intellectually vigorous than the tweedy grumbler’s pedantic comparison of textual editions of a really bad play that no one should ever stage again.
And it’s not as if antisocial behaviour in the library is limited to the young. I’ll say this for undergraduates: they rarely smell bad, whereas I have more than once had to move desks owing to the powerful odour of an irregularly washed academic next to me.And it’s not as if antisocial behaviour in the library is limited to the young. I’ll say this for undergraduates: they rarely smell bad, whereas I have more than once had to move desks owing to the powerful odour of an irregularly washed academic next to me.
The young also tend to cause less aesthetic offence in their style of dress. (Though it obviously ought to be illegal for men of any age to wear shorts in a library.) And it is the older academic types who tend to be using rubbishy Windows laptops with distressingly loud fans. The kids all have silent Apple gear.The young also tend to cause less aesthetic offence in their style of dress. (Though it obviously ought to be illegal for men of any age to wear shorts in a library.) And it is the older academic types who tend to be using rubbishy Windows laptops with distressingly loud fans. The kids all have silent Apple gear.
Age is no guide at all, meanwhile, to whether someone at your set of desks will be conducting themselves in some other fantastically annoying manner.Age is no guide at all, meanwhile, to whether someone at your set of desks will be conducting themselves in some other fantastically annoying manner.
I have fled to the other side of the reading room because of chronic throat-clearers (“hmmm-HMMM!” every two minutes – seriously?), or sniffers, or catastrophically loud typists, or those who lean forward and back a lot and grimace and sigh as though desperately performing the act of writing will attract the awe and esteem of everyone around them. Then there are the inveterate leg-jigglers, and those unfortunates who are incapable of laying their phone down gently every time they have just sexted someone, and instead prefer to drop it on to the desk from a height of two inches. All of these behaviours are obviously wrong, and noxious to my finely oiled prose.I have fled to the other side of the reading room because of chronic throat-clearers (“hmmm-HMMM!” every two minutes – seriously?), or sniffers, or catastrophically loud typists, or those who lean forward and back a lot and grimace and sigh as though desperately performing the act of writing will attract the awe and esteem of everyone around them. Then there are the inveterate leg-jigglers, and those unfortunates who are incapable of laying their phone down gently every time they have just sexted someone, and instead prefer to drop it on to the desk from a height of two inches. All of these behaviours are obviously wrong, and noxious to my finely oiled prose.
When it comes to the most serious library crimes, the cause is not youth or age but the overweening egotism of a few who know what the rules are but consider they shouldn’t have to follow them.When it comes to the most serious library crimes, the cause is not youth or age but the overweening egotism of a few who know what the rules are but consider they shouldn’t have to follow them.
What is needed here is simply more aggressive enforcement. If someone answers their phone in the reading room and walks out while speaking, they should be mildly electrocuted and not allowed back in for at least an hour after the first offence. If they do it again, they should be punched three times and then permanently banned. Clue: if the phone call you’re waiting for is that important, you shouldn’t be waiting for it in the reading room in the first place.What is needed here is simply more aggressive enforcement. If someone answers their phone in the reading room and walks out while speaking, they should be mildly electrocuted and not allowed back in for at least an hour after the first offence. If they do it again, they should be punched three times and then permanently banned. Clue: if the phone call you’re waiting for is that important, you shouldn’t be waiting for it in the reading room in the first place.
The underlying problem may just be that the library’s rules, as set out on the plastic mats on every desk, are just too cringingly polite. They request rather than insist. So the rule that says, for instance, “If you need to talk, please do so quietly” could be profitably rephrased as “NO TALKING”.The underlying problem may just be that the library’s rules, as set out on the plastic mats on every desk, are just too cringingly polite. They request rather than insist. So the rule that says, for instance, “If you need to talk, please do so quietly” could be profitably rephrased as “NO TALKING”.
If people still disobey, we’ll just need a few more public Taserings, pour encourager les autres. Then we can all, young and old alike, get back to the ineffable luxury of pursuing the life of the mind.If people still disobey, we’ll just need a few more public Taserings, pour encourager les autres. Then we can all, young and old alike, get back to the ineffable luxury of pursuing the life of the mind.