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One thing MPs can agree on: the game of football is beautiful and corrupt One thing MPs can agree on: the game of football is beautiful and corrupt
(36 minutes later)
Just about the only people who regularly refer to football as the Beautiful Game are those who have absolutely no interest in it. After Wednesday’s indictment of numerous Fifa officials on corruption charges, for an hour on Thursday the Commons could talk of nothing else but the Beautiful Game. Many tears were shed by MPs about the betrayal of their boyhood dreams, when their every waking hour was spent kicking a ball between tattered sweaters on some local scrubland.Just about the only people who regularly refer to football as the Beautiful Game are those who have absolutely no interest in it. After Wednesday’s indictment of numerous Fifa officials on corruption charges, for an hour on Thursday the Commons could talk of nothing else but the Beautiful Game. Many tears were shed by MPs about the betrayal of their boyhood dreams, when their every waking hour was spent kicking a ball between tattered sweaters on some local scrubland.
The closest to a football most MPs came in the last parliament was to kick it into the long grass. That Fifa is one of the world’s more corrupt organisations has come as news only to the Commons, who spent much of the last five years ignoring the investigations of the Sunday Times, Panorama and almost every other news outlet. David Cameron looked vaguely miffed when England’s £19m outlay to win the 2018 World Cup resulted in humiliation and muttered something about the vote being rigged; but the lasting impression he gave was of a man whose main regret was that the money had been spent on entertaining the wrong officials. The best the select committee of culture, media and sport had managed were moments of abject hand-wringing about how it wished Fifa was a bit less naughty. The closest to a football most MPs came in the last parliament was to kick it into the long grass. That Fifa is one of the world’s more corrupt organisations has come as news only to the Commons, who spent much of the past five years ignoring the investigations of the Sunday Times, Panorama and almost every other news outlet. David Cameron looked vaguely miffed when England’s £19m outlay to win the 2018 World Cup resulted in humiliation and muttered something about the vote being rigged; but the lasting impression he gave was of a man whose main regret was that the money had been spent on entertaining the wrong officials. The best the select committee of culture, media and sport had managed were moments of abject hand-wringing about how it wished Fifa was a bit less naughty.
Keen to show that the government hadn’t been sitting around doing nothing for five years and that the new one-nation Conservatives were the party of the Beautiful Game, the Tories allowed the debate on their own Queen’s Speech to be delayed an hour for an urgent question. Even more unusually, the urgent question came from their own benches. Normally it’s the opposition who causes these kinds of headaches, but when it’s the integrity of one-nation Beautiful Gameism at stake, the gloves are off. Sort of. Keen to show that the government hadn’t been sitting around doing nothing for five years and that the new one-nation Conservatives were the party of the Beautiful Game, the Tories allowed the debate on their own Queen’s speech to be delayed an hour for an urgent question. Even more unusually, the urgent question came from their own benches. Normally it’s the opposition who causes these kinds of headaches, but when it’s the integrity of one-nation Beautiful Gameism at stake, the gloves are off. Sort of.
That ​​Fifa is one of the world’s more corrupt organisations has come as news only to the CommonsThat ​​Fifa is one of the world’s more corrupt organisations has come as news only to the Commons
Stephen Phillips was sent on early doors to spearhead the attack. Though he performed more like an Andy Carroll than a Cristiano Ronaldo. As both a £750k per year QC and Margaret Hodge’s pet pit bull on the last parliament’s public accounts committee, the Conservative MP for Sleaford is renowned for the ferocity of his forensic questioning: for once his skills deserted him. On this form, any defendant he was prosecuting would be guaranteed an acquittal. He acted as if he had been given one of Harry Redknapp’s infamous team talks. “Just fucking run around a bit, son.” Stephen Phillips was sent on early doors to spearhead the attack. He performed more like an Andy Carroll than a Cristiano Ronaldo. As a £750k per year QC and Margaret Hodge’s pet pit bull on the last parliament’s public accounts committee, the Conservative MP for Sleaford is renowned for the ferocity of his forensic questioning: for once his skills deserted him. On this form, any defendant he was prosecuting would be guaranteed an acquittal. He acted as if he had been given one of Harry Redknapp’s infamous team talks. “Just fucking run around a bit, son.”
“The Beautiful Game has been betrayed,” he sobbed, choking back the tears. “Football is the one-nation game and Fifa must be told off very severely. The bidding process for the 2018 World Cup must be reopened so that England could win it. Can the new minister tell us what he is going to do to protect the Beautiful Game?”“The Beautiful Game has been betrayed,” he sobbed, choking back the tears. “Football is the one-nation game and Fifa must be told off very severely. The bidding process for the 2018 World Cup must be reopened so that England could win it. Can the new minister tell us what he is going to do to protect the Beautiful Game?”
John Whittingdale, secretary of state for the Department for Culture, Media and Sport was twitching with outrage. “I always had my suspicions about Fifa,” he quaked. “Sepp Blatter must resign from the Beautiful Game.” Chris Bryant, Labour’s shadow minister for culture, media and sport, couldn’t have agreed more. “Beneath the mask of the beautiful game is an ugly face,” he said. John Whittingdale, secretary of state for the Department for Culture, Media and Sport, was twitching with outrage. “I always had my suspicions about Fifa,” he quaked. “Sepp Blatter must resign from the Beautiful Game.” Chris Bryant, the shadow minister for culture, media and sport, could not have agreed more. “Beneath the mask of the beautiful game is an ugly face,” he said.
And so it continued. “Football didn’t belong to Fifa, it belonged to ordinary mums and dads,” one MP added. Phillip Hollobone, Conservative MP for Kettering, was even more specific. “This is a dark day for Kettering Town football club,” he observed. The United Kettering Independence party is still alive and kicking.And so it continued. “Football didn’t belong to Fifa, it belonged to ordinary mums and dads,” one MP added. Phillip Hollobone, Conservative MP for Kettering, was even more specific. “This is a dark day for Kettering Town football club,” he observed. The United Kettering Independence party is still alive and kicking.
There were a couple of MPs – most notably Graham Stewart and Philip Davies – who did seem to realise that the Beautiful Game involved more than hand-wringing. Why was the FA so supine? Why didn’t UEFA withdraw from Fifa? What was the Serious Fraud Office doing about it? Bribes and kickbacks are usually a revolving door; shouldn’t we also be investigating the multinationals who sponsor Fifa and handed over the money? There were a couple of MPs – most notably Graham Stewart and Philip Davies – who did seem to realise that the Beautiful Game involved more than hand-wringing. Why was the FA so supine? Why didn’t Uefa withdraw from Fifa? What was the Serious Fraud Office doing about it? Bribes and kickbacks are usually a revolving door; shouldn’t we also be investigating the multinationals who sponsor Fifa and handed over the money?
But the pain of the betrayal of the Beautiful Game was just too raw for these details. “The Soul of Football has been damaged,” Whittingdale concluded. “Something must be done … ” But not very much, if previous form is any guide. If Sepp Blatter is re-elected as president, the Commons could be in for a tidy bung from Fifa.But the pain of the betrayal of the Beautiful Game was just too raw for these details. “The Soul of Football has been damaged,” Whittingdale concluded. “Something must be done … ” But not very much, if previous form is any guide. If Sepp Blatter is re-elected as president, the Commons could be in for a tidy bung from Fifa.