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Queen's speech: the day ‘psychoactive drugs’ tripped off the royal tongue Queen's speech: the day ‘psychoactive drugs’ tripped off the royal tongue
(1 day later)
A vision in ermine, tiaras, wigs and scarlet robes. None of it from a Disney film set or Claire’s Accessories. The state opening of parliament isn’t the greatest of adverts for a one-nation government: the collars of the men who hold the office of Portcullis Pursuivant, Maltravers Herald Extraordinary and Clarenceux King of Arms are only of the most aristocratic white. We are still a long way from the day when the Cap of Maintenance, carried with the greatest of solemnity by Lady Stowell of Beeston, is renamed the Benefits Cap.A vision in ermine, tiaras, wigs and scarlet robes. None of it from a Disney film set or Claire’s Accessories. The state opening of parliament isn’t the greatest of adverts for a one-nation government: the collars of the men who hold the office of Portcullis Pursuivant, Maltravers Herald Extraordinary and Clarenceux King of Arms are only of the most aristocratic white. We are still a long way from the day when the Cap of Maintenance, carried with the greatest of solemnity by Lady Stowell of Beeston, is renamed the Benefits Cap.
Even the Queen now gives the appearance this is an occasion that might just have had its day. She shuffled in slowly – her knees may have been playing up – and, once seated, her face seldom broke out of a scowl. Then it must be a tough gig to read out a speech written with little grammar and fewer verbs and make it sound coherent. Nor do the phrases “northern powerhouse” and “psychoactive drugs” trip easily off the royal tongue.Even the Queen now gives the appearance this is an occasion that might just have had its day. She shuffled in slowly – her knees may have been playing up – and, once seated, her face seldom broke out of a scowl. Then it must be a tough gig to read out a speech written with little grammar and fewer verbs and make it sound coherent. Nor do the phrases “northern powerhouse” and “psychoactive drugs” trip easily off the royal tongue.
Few others in the royal party appeared to be enjoying themselves either. Prince Charles, wearing a few more medals than last year, winced when his mother came to the passage about increasing the number of apprentices. He has been serving one of the longest apprenticeships in world history and there is now a growing log-jam of apprentices to his own apprenticeship.Few others in the royal party appeared to be enjoying themselves either. Prince Charles, wearing a few more medals than last year, winced when his mother came to the passage about increasing the number of apprentices. He has been serving one of the longest apprenticeships in world history and there is now a growing log-jam of apprentices to his own apprenticeship.
Two backbenchers – one an old codger on the way down, the other a newcomer on the way up – are called upon to propose the ‘Humble Address’ when the Commons reconvenes. By tradition, these speeches are meant to be witty and entertaining, but Conservatives Simon Burns and Sheryll Murray were hellbent on breaking convention. Burns gave the kind of “nudge, nudge, wink, wink, ooh Missus” best man speech that most people hoped had last been heard in the 1970s, though it went down well enough with some of the Tory backbenchers as he spent much of his allotted time indulging his – and their – personal dislike of the Speaker. One Petty Nation. Two backbenchers – one an old codger on the way down, the other a newcomer on the way up – are called upon to propose the ‘Humble Address’ when the Commons reconvenes. By tradition, these speeches are meant to be witty and entertaining, but Conservatives Simon Burns and Sheryll Murray were hellbent on breaking convention. Burns gave the kind of “nudge, nudge, wink, wink, ooh Missus” best man speech that most people hoped had been heard for the last time in the 1970s, though it went down well enough with some of the Tory backbenchers as he spent much of his allotted time indulging his – and their – personal dislike of the Speaker. One Petty Nation.
Murray has some redeeming features as a constituency MP for South East Cornwall, but public speaking is not one of them. Instead, she stumbled through a few Poldark mentions before ending with: “I’m not going to dwell on the fact that women change their mind [a reference to Labour’s U-turn over an EU referendum] because women do that kind of thing”. The women on the Labour benches were left open-mouthed. Demelza started spinning in her grave. One Sexist Nation.Murray has some redeeming features as a constituency MP for South East Cornwall, but public speaking is not one of them. Instead, she stumbled through a few Poldark mentions before ending with: “I’m not going to dwell on the fact that women change their mind [a reference to Labour’s U-turn over an EU referendum] because women do that kind of thing”. The women on the Labour benches were left open-mouthed. Demelza started spinning in her grave. One Sexist Nation.
It’s a rare day in parliament when it is Harriet Harman who makes the best gags and the most telling points. But then the bar was low. Harman began by joking that both she and Cameron were interim leaders and went on to take the piss out of Labour’s Edstone. In between, she observed that the Conservative’s one nation was a bit of a cheek coming from a party that had won the election by dividing the country into several nations.It’s a rare day in parliament when it is Harriet Harman who makes the best gags and the most telling points. But then the bar was low. Harman began by joking that both she and Cameron were interim leaders and went on to take the piss out of Labour’s Edstone. In between, she observed that the Conservative’s one nation was a bit of a cheek coming from a party that had won the election by dividing the country into several nations.
Cameron still has the look of a man who can’t quite believe his luck. “Yeah, we’re gonna triple lock something because no one will believe us if we only double lock it and then we’re going to do some other things though we’re not entirely too clear how, but give us time as it’s early days and I’m sure something will turn up.” One Chillaxed Nation.Cameron still has the look of a man who can’t quite believe his luck. “Yeah, we’re gonna triple lock something because no one will believe us if we only double lock it and then we’re going to do some other things though we’re not entirely too clear how, but give us time as it’s early days and I’m sure something will turn up.” One Chillaxed Nation.
Finally remembering he was also supposed to be injecting some humour into the occasion, he made a laboured fishing joke about Salmond and Sturgeon. “Who says puns don’t work in the House of Commons?” he added lamely. One Nation had ended as a Bad Joke.Finally remembering he was also supposed to be injecting some humour into the occasion, he made a laboured fishing joke about Salmond and Sturgeon. “Who says puns don’t work in the House of Commons?” he added lamely. One Nation had ended as a Bad Joke.
• This article was amended on 28 May 2015. An earlier version said “had last been heard in the 1970s” where “had been heard for the last time in the 1970s” was meant.