Goo goo brains: why dads have their own brand of baby talk

http://www.theguardian.com/society/shortcuts/2015/may/20/goo-goo-brains-why-dads-dont-do-baby-talk

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Name: Baby talk.

Age: As old as babies.

So quite young, then. No, I meant “in existence for as long as babies have been around”. As in for ever, give or take.

What does it sound like? A biddy bib dite dis! Ee-yes!

Sorry? I said: “A little bit like this. Erm, yes.”

Like what? I don’t follow you. Bye dib! Aye boo-boo dit do! Bib bib bib!

Have you had a stroke or something? Not at all. I’m simply attempting to replicate the high-pitched, nonsensical sing-song that parents use when addressing tiny children, otherwise known as “motherese”.

Is there a point to it, or is it just meant to be incredibly annoying? It’s supposed to help foster language by introducing sounds and cadences early on.

And why is it called motherese? Because fathers don’t really do it.

Why not? They’re too ill-at-ease, too proud, too self-conscious, too, you know, male.

A-ha! Reverse sexism! I knew if I stayed vigilant I’d spot some! Sexist, perhaps, but also documented: researchers at Washington State University recently hooked up pairs of parents to recording devices for a day.

What did they discover? They found that while mothers speak motherese to babies, dads really do talk to them as if they are little adults.

They’re holding back their kids’ development out of pride? Not necessarily. Researchers suggest that fathers may have been doing the right thing all along.

I’m confused. Which is better for the child, baby talk or English? The two-pronged attack may actually be the best strategy. “The basic idea is that moms provide the link to the domestic, more intimate type of talk,” said lead researcher professor Mark VanDam while “Dads provide different kinds of experiences that give kids more comprehensive exposure to what kind of language they need in the real world.”

The real world? What a load of gender-stereotypical bollocks! What about single-parent families? What about same-sex partnerships? They didn’t study any of those this time.

Do say: “Young sir: please be assured that with all due bonds of affection and regard, I remain, as ever, your devoted father. Now go to sleep.”

Don’t say: “Eh-oh!”