John Crace’s five-year plan for the arts

http://www.theguardian.com/culture/2015/may/15/john-crace-five-year-plan-arts-conservatives

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When the Institute of Fiscal Studies examined the manifestos of the four main parties before the election, it concluded that the Conservatives’ was the most financially innumerate of them all. The only way the Tories could stick to their promises was if the wind blew exceptionally kindly for the next five years, if unprecedented numbers of non-doms and tax-avoiders were suddenly overcome with remorse, and if departmental cuts were made on a scale that made the previous five years look like boom-time. There was also a caveat. If some departments, such as health and education, were to have their budgets ringfenced, then others would have to take a disproportionately larger hit. Naturally, the Department for Culture, Media and Sport was one such department.

If that wasn’t bad enough, the PM replaced Sajid Javid – a man largely indifferent to artistic endeavour – with John Whittingdale as the culture secretary. Whittingdale has form for disliking almost anything connected with the BBC and five years ago supported the notion that it, rather than the government, should pick up the tab for free TV licences for the over-75s. This move, which was shelved but could now resurface, would cost the BBC about £500m per year, which is a lot of good programmes unmade and jobs lost.

With this threat hanging over the Beeb, could there be a quid pro quo? Could we see shows, such as Have I Got News for You, which satirise the government, dropped and the cash directed at more factual programmes, ones that retell British history in the kind of way that would suit a national curriculum dreamed up by Michael Gove? Postcolonial guilt is so over these days.

I have a few programming suggestions of my own. How about a new soap? Food-Bankers. A heartwarming tale of inner-city poor people getting to know each other at the local foodbank. There could be love, as eyes meet across the empty aisles; drama, as people fight for food that is one day past its sell-by date. And Benefits Street could become one of the new “slow” long-form BBC4 shows in which nothing happens. Just a camera pointing at a deserted street.

Arts organisations that rely on public subsidies will feel the pinch. Money is already hard to come by from the Arts Council and may dry up completely. The Royal Shakespeare Company shouldn’t suffer too badly because, well, it’s Shakespeare, and Shakespeare is part of the national heritage trail and therefore largely propped up by American tourists; and the Royal Opera House should get by, as it’s such a lovely venue for entertaining visiting dignitaries. But the National Theatre, English National Opera and regional theatres and opera companies will be left to beg for being either too radical, too good or too far away from London. They will have to learn to think on their feet. One answer might be for them to tap up all those non-doms and tax avoiders. How about a half-way- house agreement? The Tories let the tax avoiders keep their money in exchange for a bit of cultural generosity? Obviously, not anything that would make life too financially inconvenient. But if the National Theatre were to relocate to Zurich and the ENO to Geneva, they could be in business.

The rest of the arts will stand or fall on their commercial acumen. Either by filling every theatre with a middle-of-the-road musical or by going in search of handouts. There may be one or two wealthy donors still prepared to hand over their cash and trust in the creative integrity of the artistic process, but there will surely be a new market in philanthropists funding projects that more directly serve their aims. I can’t see HSBC backing a production of The Turn of the Screw. Though it might still be persuaded by a Comedy of Errors. Maybe the DCMS could get the ball rolling by setting up a zero-hour-contract artist-in-residence programme to highlight how much great work already gets done by artists working for nothing.

There will also be a return to old faithfuls, such as The Importance of Being Earnest, as more and more actors will come with private-school backgrounds. Unless we can adapt to a theatre in which Eddie Redmayne channels Dick van Dyke in Mary Poppins. It goes without saying that feminist theatre will have to go. Sorry, Caryl Churchill and Laura Wade. A woman’s place is in the home, not the theatre. And as for you Mark Ravenhill? Don’t you know that Caroline Dinenage, the new equalities minister, doesn’t approve of same-sex marriage?

Museums might still balk at the idea of charging visitors an entrance fee. But there’s always the option of charging them to get out. Most galleries have vast amounts of art in storage, rather than on display. Such works could be moved to the gift shop and sold along with the postcards.

But amongst all this gloom there is some hope? Maybe there will be a resurgence of radicalism. Maybe everyone could just decide this year to say ‘No’ to spending £250 on a ticket to Glastonbury – you can double that amount if you count in the drugs – and donate the money to a struggling theatre or arts group instead.

The trick will be to be canny. Wherever the cuts do fall, they are guaranteed to fall less hard in the marginal constituencies that the Conservatives need to hold in 2020. So set up – or move – your arts organisations to these areas. Tate Modern in St Ives looks well-placed for expansion. The Tories took St Ives from the Lib Dems and, even with a 2,500 majority, they won’t want to take any chances by looking as if they are putting one of their biggest tourist attractions under pressure.

Leeds could also be a boom centre for the arts. Having grabbed Ed Balls’s seat of Morley and Outwood with a majority of just 422, the Tories will need to reinvent the constituency as a successful pleasure palace. Then, of course, there is South Thanet where the Tories only just held off Nigel Farage. The last time I visited the Margate Winter Gardens, it was shabby, unloved and down-at-heel. If they’re thinking of applying for a grant to restore the venue, this could just be the time to think of a number and double it.