Ask Molly Ringwald: I’m scared of losing my friend

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/may/15/ask-molly-ringwald-scared-of-losing-friend

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I am a 15-year-old girl, and I have known my best friend for more than 10 years. Yet every time I see her talking to another friend, I get paranoid she’s going to leave me. What’s more, it feels as if we never have anything to talk about any more. I hang out with other friends as well, without her, so why am I getting so overly anxious?

I don’t think you’re paranoid to worry that she’s going to leave you, because if you continue on this road, it’s a certainty. Jealousy is stifling in any relationship, whether it’s romantic or platonic. It might be flattering for the recipient for a little while, but eventually he or she will find it suffocating.

The question of why you are feeling overly anxious is what to stay focused on. If you don’t get to the root of this, you are destined to sabotage your friendship, and probably repeat the same scenario in future relationships. To that point: it may be useful to look at the primary people in your life, to see if there might have been some kind of abandonment that you are inadvertently replicating. There’s a school of thought that says that whatever unresolved issues we have with our own parents, we unconsciously seek in the other significant bonds we form throughout our lives. This means that if you dealt with death or divorce in your parents’ lives – or even something less dramatic, like an angry or emotionally withholding parent – it can have an impact on the way you interact with others. Even our parents’ unresolved issues can get passed on to us.

I know this sounds like a case of Russian dolls (a doll inside a doll inside a doll…), but eventually, just like the toy, if you investigate you can usually find the source and deal with it, and hopefully avoid repeating it. Even if you’re doing your best not to reveal your anxiety to your friend, it’s there. You both feel it, and it’s a bummer. When friends stop being honest with each other, it makes for stilted conversation.

I’d suggest that while you embark on some self-reflection, you should also try to enjoy the other friendships in your life. Some variety and space might be the best things to reignite the fire of your friendship; and remember, smothering is a way to put it out.

• Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to askmolly@theguardian.com.