Moronic irrigation: LA’s new turf war against its sprinkler-happy celebrities
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Version 0 of 1. Who is the most despicable aqua-villain in Los Angeles? For many years, the answer was Noah Cross, the name of the John Huston character in Chinatown, what with his iniquitous manipulation of the city’s water supply and that business about Faye Dunaway’s daughter also being her sister. But all things must pass, and a series of exciting new challengers to Mr Cross’s title have emerged. Yes, California’s raging drought has proved fertile ground for a new generation of ratbags: celebrities who are still watering their lawns despite high-level warnings about the devastating shortages. It seems the fines for such behaviour are a drop in the reservoir to all manner of stars and entertainment-industry bigwigs, who have treated the plea to switch to fake grass like an invitation to do community theatre in Arkansas. “Even somebody who’s got a mega-mansion,” sighs Julian Gold, the mayor of Beverly Hills, “with a huge lawn and tons of money, has to understand that, at the end of the day, if there’s no water coming out of the faucet, it’s their faucet also.” Has to understand it – but unfortunately has yet to understand it. Think of it as moronic irrigation, the latest celebrity science-craze you are gasping to be a part of. According to the New York Post, one LA water official has revealed a somewhat eye-catching statistic: that an estimated 70% of his district’s water is going to the lawn maintenance of about 100 manicured estates. Thus the drought-shaming has begun. Publications are running aerial photos of various celebrity properties, the emerald lawns in stark contrast to their parched surroundings. As one headline had it: “Let them eat dust.” Who’s in the frame? Well, the likes of Barbra Streisand, Kim Kardashian, Jennifer Lopez … I’m not going to get into a game of “what links?”. But if the euphemism which most frequently attaches itself to your personage is “strong-willed”, then chances are your lawn makes Augusta National Golf Club look like the Kalahari. Also, your neighbours adore you. “The Kardashian flowers and hedges are right in our face,” hisses one Hidden Hills resident to the Post. “It’s disgusting. You walk by and you can smell the freshness.” Smell that Kardashian freshness. Go on, SMELL IT. As for Barbra, it was only last week that her official website was drawing attention to water-conservancy issues, highlighting a report about the effects of drought on a Nevada lake feeding into the Hoover Dam. And a few weeks before that, madam was laughing pointedly along with a comedian who suggested Americans were finally being woken up to climate change because it was affecting their lawns. “The article is satire,” she explained to her devotees. As you may know, Barbra lives in the Beyond Satire district of Los Angeles. Accordingly, her publicist – the uncompromisingly named Ken Sunshine – has emerged to pour cold water on the idea that she is some kind of selfish diva. “She has cut down her water usage by over 50% in the last several months,” he declares, “and she is going to conserve further.” Mmm. Look, I don’t want to suggest that a commitment to desist from Barbra Streisand isn’t the gold standard. But the formbook suggests her sprinklers are on a permanent farewell tour, with each activation absolutely and honestly going to be their last. Let’s not take her commitment to the bank until Ken releases footage of Barbra walking across her scorched brown gardens, singing “You don’t bring me flowers any more” at the parched beds. Anyway, it must be said that amid all the verdant horror there are some extraordinarily moving stories of sacrifice. According to one report, Kurt Russell has planted the vines in his vineyard closer together so they need less watering. LL Cool J no longer runs the shower for five minutes before stepping into it. Sharon Osborne has made the announcement that “when I pee, I don’t flush”. (As far as her excrement goes, you may recall that she puts that in a Tiffany box and sends it to those who displease her.) And a Sky News report from Beverly Hills pointed out that “ordinary residents are having their dried lawns spray-painted ‘grass green’.” Which wins the award for Best Use of the Word Ordinary in a Californian Setting. Meanwhile, a certain Kim Kardashian recently announced that she was doing her bit by only washing her hair every five days. So maybe her thriving lawn is just a miracle – the feeding of the 15,000 sq ft using only one’s own saintliness and half a bucket of recycled hair-washing water. Who can say for sure? Like much of this noir-ish mystery, it has yet to be unravelled – though the mayor of Beverly Hills is promising to get to the bottom of it all. “I’m going to go knock on their door and tell them to stop,” he said this week. “I think it’s going to come down to neighbours policing neighbours.” That’s slightly disappointing. I was hoping it was going to come down to the mayor getting in way over his head with his investigation, and it all ending in a showdown in which he is held back from some Hollywood player’s doorstep by a well-meaning colleague shouting: “Forget it, Jake – it’s Robert Towne.” But if internecine conflict within the celebrity community is the authorities’ preferred approach, then we’ll just have to make our peace with that instead. |