Theresa May’s British Values: finally, a law to protect our love of queuing, avoiding eye contact and … freedom
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Version 0 of 1. Age: Ageless. Appearance: Everywhere. Do you mean like the importance of queuing? There’s this great picture on the internet of a fox at a cash point in London and people actually queuing behind it! I mean something a bit more serious, actually. Like what? Rules about eye contact? Tube etiquette? Secretly thinking dentistry is vanity? Remembering with pride that we are a nation that once had a ventriloquist act on the radio? Theresa May wants to introduce a bill that will end intolerance and divisiveness and promote the pluralistic harmony we are known for. Or would like to become known for. Or something. How will this bill accomplish such a task? By stopping people and groups who are engaging in extremist talk and behaviour from meeting up, talking or putting stuff in print or on the internet. Violent extremist talk and behaviour? Not necessarily. How extreme does the talk or behaviour have to be before the law intervenes? Not sure. Extreme enough to threaten British values? To threaten queuing? No, proper British values, not just the comedy stuff! Like what? Wait, she said them somewhere … Aha! Democracy! Tolerance! Freedom! The rule of law! And these are best served by gagging people for saying unspecified things and/or associating peacefully? Does that not suggest un peu d’intrusion on free speech and stuff? Get this secret Frenchy frog out of here! He’s a terrorist spy foreigner … Sorry, you caught me off guard. No, everything will be fine. I can’t help feeling there’s a better way to enshrine British values in law than trying to make certain kinds of speech – even once you know what they are – illegal. Like what? The Human Rights Act? That’s a foreign law that enables illegal immigrants to stay here because they have pet cats! You’re insane. May said that’s what happened. Before she was sternly corrected by people who knew the case. May also sanctioned the “Go home!” adverts and won’t accept our share of refugees from the Mediterranean crisis. And hopes to ensure that anyone who proposes a meeting, posts information on the web or in print or threatens the functioning of democracy won’t be able to do so. Everything is for the best in this shortly to be best of all worlds. Do say: “England, my white, Anglo-Saxon, mass-surveilled England!” Don’t say: “This sceptic isle.” |