Football transfer rumours: Jérémy Ménez to join Liverpool?

http://www.theguardian.com/football/2015/may/13/transfer-rumours-antoine-griezmann-chelsea

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Happiness, dear readers, doesn’t result from what we get, but from what we give. And Roman Abramovich wants to give. If Roman could, he would visit the house of every Chelsea fan, sit and and have a cup of green tea and ask them how their day has been before taking them by the hand to their front door where waiting for that fan would be a gold-plated car and Damien Rice strumming a new song he has composed just for that fan and their new gold-plated car. He is that type of guy. Bless. But, and this is the sad part, Roman is a busy, busy man – those titles don’t pay for themselves, you know – so he just doesn’t have the time to do all that. Instead, he has to buy a couple of big gifts that every Chelsea fan can delight in, such as Antoine Griezmann.

Yes, you heard it elsewhere first and now you are hearing it here for the second, third, or, possibly, fourth time: Griezmann is on his way to Chelsea. Not that Atlético Madrid are going to do their best impression of a carpet and just lie down and let Chelsea walk all over them. Hell naw. The buy-me clause is set at £43.5m but Atlético reckon that bar is lower than a subterranean pub so they are going to put up a fight and demand more and more and more and more until Roman reaches breaking point and gets so upset that he falls to his knees and sobs and rocks back and fourth and everyone in the room feels a bit awkward because they never thought they would see a Russian billionaire sob so openly but Roman is different. He likes to show his emotions. He won’t be constrained by society’s so-called rules. Just look at that beard for goodness sake. But back to Griezmann. Once the talks come to a conclusion, the Frenchman and his, eh, interesting barnet will be winging their way to west London to sign on the dotted line.

Related: Chelsea’s Petr Cech in talks with Besiktas over summer move, says agent

But Griezmann is not the only one rocking up to Stamford Bridge this summer. As sure as The Low End Theory was the best rap album of 1991, Petr Cech is leaving Chelsea this summer. Possibly for Arsenal, possibly for Besiktas, possibly for Real Madrid, possibly for PSG, possibly for Internazionale but definitely not for Cabinteely FC, as the Mill can exclusively reveal this morning. Of course, that means José Mourinho needs someone else to kick balls at Thibaut Courtois when warming up for matches and look interested sitting behind him in the Stamford Bridge dug-out and José reckons John Ruddy is just the man. But José doesn’t always get what he wants and should Ruddy and the rest of his Norwich team-mates emerge victorious from their play-off push, then Ruddy will be giving Chelsea and José two fat fingers along with instructions of where they can be put.

Brendan Rodgers’ favourite city is Milan. You didn’t know that did you? Well it is, at least for the purposes of today’s Rumour Mill anyway. Brendan likes the smoky atmosphere and the jazz music of Honky Tonks on Via Fratelli Induno. He likes that lovely little hotel on the Via Catalani, where the breakfast is a buffet and the owners speak decent English, and he likes reading his book on a quiet bench in Parco Sempione. But he will only get to indulge in all that once he has got his work done. You see Brendan had such success with buying a forward from Milan last summer, he is keen to do it all again.

This time he will be doing his level best to convince Jérémy Ménez that playing for Liverpool in the Europa League will be more fun than a weekend with Batman. Ménez will be polite and listen and nod his head at the right time, knowing full well that he has already agreed to go elsewhere. Only Ménez knows where but the Mill knows his replacement and it’s Zlatan Ibrahimovic.

And finally. The. Big. One. The. One. You. Have. All. Been. Waiting. For. Virgil van Dijk reckons that fighting against relegation every season would be more fun than winning title after title and cup after cup with Celtic. That is why he wants to do one from Scotland and head south to Sunderland. “Celtic are a great club with a fantastic stadium and the fans are great,” he tooted, “but the competition is not too good. I want to develop. If the opportunity is there, I would definitely consider a transfer.” No, the Mill doesn’t get it either.