Think you’ve never kissed a shy Tory? You’re almost certainly wrong
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Version 0 of 1. I’m sorry, but it’s probably the badges. Not Labour rosettes, but those badges you sometimes see, the wearer proudly declaring that they have “never kissed a Tory”. I’m not saying it’s the reason the Labour party lost, but someone should seriously rethink the ad hominem demonisation of voters that helps make those “shy Tories” shy. Do you know a shy Tory? Are you so shy about your own Tory leanings that you haven’t outed yourself yet? Mysteriously invisible to polls, this is a species that the left needs to learn to identify. You may claim proudly never to have kissed a Tory, but given the election results, chances are that you’ve kissed a fair few shy Tories in your time. You’re probably sitting comfortably in a room with one right now. Yes, you might think that the guy you met in a bar last week just loves to recycle and cries himself to sleep at night over legal aid cuts. Sorry, it’s not true. He’s just too damn shy to admit it. Then before you realise it will be too late, because Tories absolutely love marriage. There are some telltale signs. A quick whisky before bed? Tory. Any excuse to wear black tie? Tory. Owns a really smart bicycle but never cycles? Tory. If you spot one or more of these signs, contact your nearest golf club for a full diagnosis. You can’t win an argument while the other side are hiding from you It’s a truth universally acknowledged that a water-cooler conversation on cuts to the welfare budget is in search of a villain. Shy Tories are bored of being the fall guy, so they creep into the woodwork, hide themselves in old bedding, or even attach themselves to your skin while secreting an anaesthetic to avoid detection. While Ed Miliband chisels out his resignation on a slab of stone, the Labour party and others on the left need to understand this demographic. Tony Blair won elections from the centre ground. Those around him embraced conservative values, celebrated ambition and, notoriously, were “intensely relaxed” about voters getting filthy rich. It wasn’t just a cynical ploy, but an embrace of voters with different motivations for voting, shorn of the critical language with which so many still describe Conservatives. Shy Tories came out of the darkness, scuttled from under the rug, and crawled into the light. One of Alastair Campbell’s election tactics was for Labour supporters to go out and collar two of their undecided friends or co-workers and persuade them to vote Labour. The sad reality is that many of your “undecided” pals are probably quiet Conservative voters, who are just tired of the earbashing that they so often receive from some on the left. You start to spot the shy Tories, the ones who aren’t proudly declaring their vote on Facebook, because you’ve made them feel a little embarrassed about disagreeing with you. They won’t tell you how they voted, they don’t want the lecture. Until the left starts to listen to them, and stops calling them names, that is unlikely to change. Let them come out as shy Tories, and then you can squish them, kiss them, or convert them to your cause. You can’t win an argument while the other side is hiding from you. |