If I were prime minister for a day, I’d make Chris Grayling a prison librarian
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Version 0 of 1. My agenda would be The Civilised Society. This would be marked by the granting of protected status to libraries and bookshops, followed by all cinemas where the popcorn cartons are not larger than the screens, and pubs where they turn off the telly most evenings and don’t spray Dettol over your table before you’ve finished your last pint. At airports, you would not be corralled through an over-perfumed shopping mall; you would browse your way slowly through a quiet public library where you could borrow books for your holiday. Flight announcements would be greeted with a polite: “Shush!” Members of a civilised society do not walk straight past homeless people sleeping in doorways Under my regime, motorway service stations would not be filled with global burger outlets. Instead, there would be a warren of independent cafes and market stalls, ranging from an old-fashioned greasy spoon for me, to the hummus and lettuce dip bar for travellers from Hampstead. That’s if people even used motorways. The pace of life would be so different that most would prefer to get around the country by narrowboat, stopping at locks to chat about the weather or the astonishing approval rating of the new prime minister. That’s when I would hit them with what I really meant. Members of a civilised society do not walk straight past homeless people sleeping in doorways. They demand their political leaders provide affordable rents, or, if a rough sleeper’s issue is mental illness or drug dependency, fellow citizens insist on paying more taxes or doing whatever it takes to make our society include every single one of us. So sure, there would be a clampdown on the rudeness of people checking their iPhones in the theatre (which our current PM would never do). But I also consider it appalling bad manners to leave an old person on a trolley in a hospital corridor (which Cameron does all the time). My zero tolerance towards barbarism would compel Chris Grayling to work as chief librarian at Wormwood Scrubs, with a budget to ensure that prisoners had more books than they had time to read. I would merge the food banks with the lending banks, and see that there’d be no huge bonuses until every family suffering the indignity of handouts had had their larders filled to the brim courtesy of Morgan Stanley. Related: If I were prime minister for a day, I’d make paying tax a joy | Ian McMillan By the evening I would be under relentless attack from the rightwing press and my advisers would suggest working an all-nighter to plan the fightback. But I’d have to explain that this macho culture of working all hours just isn’t civilised. You need time to unwind, cook a nice meal, maybe start a new box set. This is why I would be so useless at the job. A whole day as prime minister? I’d never last that long. |