Ask Molly Ringwald: an old affair is haunting my marriage – what can I do?

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/may/01/ask-molly-ringwald-old-affair-haunting-marriage

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I have been married for 33 years, but eight years into the marriage I had a misguided fling. I was found out when the girl betrayed me, but my wife and I decided to stay together (we had a young baby). Now we’re both in our mid-50s, and the fling still comes up during arguments. We haven’t had sex since June 2001 and I’m not even sure if we still love each other. I’ve often considered divorce, but I’d hate to end up with nothing for a silly mistake.Fourteen years without sex? Your wife is one hell of a grudge-keeper! Although, really, can you blame her? After all this time, when you use the word “betrayal”, it’s to describe what was done to you by your former mistress – not what you did to your wife. The word “fling” sounds flimsy and inconsequential, and maybe that’s the way you see it, but it’s clearly not how your wife sees it.

The numbers here don’t quite tell the whole story. Before the 14-year dry spell kicked in, it seems you had 11 years of an active sex life. So what happened that abruptly put an end to that part of your lives? If you take time out from blaming her for blaming everything on the affair, you might find you’ve overlooked some significant issues or events that could shed real light on what’s (not) happening between you two. Try empathising with your wife: find out how she is feeling, why, and how the two of you can help each other create a marriage in which you’re both fully invested, both emotionally and physically.

After 33 years together, the optimist in me would like to think your marriage deserves a chance to be saved, though not because you’ll “end up with nothing for a silly mistake”. Your choice of language hints at a level of self-interest that is obviously not helping. This marriage isn’t all about you – it’s about both of you, and saving it will require a prodigious commitment on both your parts.

Questioning the love happens in any long relationship, regardless of affairs. Life brings us betrayals of all kinds, large and small, petty and significant. The people we fall in love with are always idealised versions, and no one can live up to that myth. The coup is to stick around through the disillusionment, to build a basis of respect, trust and goodwill. The love rushes back at unexpected times, different and distinct, but arguably more powerful for having the weight of truth.

• Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to askmolly@theguardian.com.