I banned bigots from my Crossfit gym – and learned a lesson in privilege

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/apr/30/crossfit-gym-seattle-sign-banned-bigots-privilege

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The signs were going up in Indiana. Signs in the windows of businesses saying “You’re not welcome here.” Not if you’re gay.

Florida was passing legislation that trans people couldn’t use the bathrooms of their choice. “You’re not welcome here.” Not if you’re trans.

Black men were being killed by police officers with alarming regularity. No signs needed – you’re just not welcome on the streets.

And I was getting increasingly angry.

Indiana put me over the edge. Businesses refusing to serve my gay dad and my gay mothers-in-law. I couldn’t get a cup of coffee with my family in some Indiana cafes, and the government wasn’t outrightly condemning it. Didn’t we make segregation illegal decades ago?

I have long said that those of us who have never felt it cannot possibly know what it’s like to feel victimized by oppressive systems. I felt the Indiana thing viscerally, not just intellectually – and I finally lost my patience and decorum.

So I put a sign up in the window of the Crossfit gym in Seattle that my husband and I own. Next to our rainbow logo, it read:

We reserve the right to refuse service to racists, homophobes and assholes of any sort. Your assholery is not welcome here.

I immediately felt relief, which turned to pride as members shared the sign on social media. Many thanked me privately and publicly.

I did it for them. For our queer members, our members of color, I felt the need to yell, as loud as I could: “YOU ARE SAFE HERE!” Screw the rest of the world, we’ve got your back. And they loved it. They said things like: “I wouldn’t have had the courage to use the word assholery, but that’s what I love about it … It’s a risk. If you can take a risk on my behalf, maybe I can try taking a risk too.”

That word – “asshole”. It gave me pause, but it felt like the only word that worked. Harsh? Yes. But that’s the turnabout of fair play. You don’t want “my kind” in your business? Fine, I don’t want your kind either.

Then came the other emails. People were angry about the sign; it made them uncomfortable.

They said, correctly, that it was uninviting. While acknowledging the very open and diverse population in our gym, they suggested that we have a unique opportunity to help bigots see the misplaced fear inherent in their ignorance. After all, were you to sweat and struggle and be supported by the awesome diversity that is our gym, how could you possible continue thinking “those people” are bad, in any way? Isn’t that one way to create change? Invite “them” in, and help them evolve?

They said that I owed the community a little more decorum.

I heard them. I couldn’t disagree with them. And I took down the sign.

The question, however, continued to grow, festering to a boil. “I shouldn’t have to feel uncomfortable coming into the gym,” said one member.

I couldn’t pretend that I didn’t notice the people who were vocally upset about the sign were all cisgendered, straight, white people, and decided to raise it on our private Facebook page.

I asked if it was possible that the sign created an opportunity for “us” to feel what it’s like to walk a few steps in the shoes of those who feel systemically unwelcome in our world. The idea that the sign was “bad” because it made people feel uncomfortable intrigued me. That we have a right to not feel uncomfortable is the very definition of entitlement and privilege.

Yet here it was, a collection of compassionate, intelligent social activists who happen to be white, upset because the word “asshole” sounds unwelcoming, mean and uninviting.

I can only imagine how the words “faggot”, “slut” or the N-word must sound.

Another member said: “I think you are absolutely on point that one of the benefits of privilege is feeling relatively comfortable and people come to expect that they should not have to give that up, while of course others are forced to live with discomfort, fear, isolation, etc, all of the time, just as a baseline of being alive.”

Think about it: why shouldn’t we have to pause for a moment and wonder if it’s OK for us to go in? Why shouldn’t we have to hear a slur and wonder if it’s about us? Why shouldn’t we have to explain to our kids why someone would say “that”? Why do we have the right to feel safe, comfortable and welcome, when so many around us never do?

I say that knowing full well that our members are the very people who fight on the frontlines of social justice day in and day out.

I know the sign hurt some of them, which was not my intent. My hope is that it also gave us all a chance to feel something that we might previously only have been capable of intellectually rationalizing.