A la Recherche du Shapps Perdu … or anyone seen Grant Shapps?
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Version 0 of 1. If Grant Shapps didn’t exist, would you have to invent him? This has been a metaphysical problem that has been worrying the Conservative party chairman for some time now. Just who is he? Michael Green, Sebastian Fox or some bloke that may or may not go around altering Wikipedia pages of people he doesn’t like. Shapps is fairly clear he isn’t the last one – though Wikipedia isn’t so sure – but has always been less sure about the other two identities. He has now opened up an entirely new line in philosophical – or maybe even, theological, debate by suggesting he might have “over-firmly” denied himself. Now, though, the debate over Shapps’s existence has become more a matter of physicality. Is he actually still alive? Since, last week’s Wikipedia debacle Shapps has all but disappeared. There was a Twitter picture of him on a Conservative bus in Cheltenham, but Photoshop can do wonders. Related: Grant Shapps accused of editing Wikipedia pages of Tory rivals On Monday, I phone Shapps’s Conservative constituency association in Welwyn Hatfield to say that I am keen to check on his health and would like to spend a day out campaigning with him on Wednesday. A volunteer says she will pass me over to his agent, Johnny Ball. “Hi,” says Johnny. “How can I help?” When I begin to explain he asks me to put my request in an email. The email promptly bounces straight back as undeliverable. I phone again. “Sorry,” says Johnny. “I must have given you the wrong email address. Try this one instead.” This one doesn’t bounce back, so it must have reached the correct destination. By the following afternoon, there is still no reply. I send Ball a reminder, adding that if Grant is going to be campaigning outside the constituency, I’d be happy to travel to wherever he was. Still no answer. By Wednesday morning, I’m beginning to get seriously worried about Grant. I ring the head press honcho at Conservative Central office to ask if he knows where Grant will be today. “I’m only in charge of the PM’s battle-bus arrangements and Grant isn’t with him today. In fact, I don’t know where he is, but I will do my best to find out. I’ll call you back if I hear anything.” He doesn’t call. In desperation, I drive up to the Conservative constituency HQ in Hatfield, a run down building near the centre of town. “Welcome to the Conservative Constituency Association”, says a notice over the door. I don’t feel very welcome when a woman half opens the door. “Is Johnny Ball here?” I ask. “No.” “Do you know where he is or when he might be here?” “No.” “Do you know what Grant Shapps’s movements are today or where he might be campaigning.” “No, I’m just a volunteer. Goodbye.” There is yet another different email for Ball on a poster stuck to the door. I try that one. That too bounces straight back as undeliverable. This is disturbing. Shapps’s own constituency association don’t know that he is expected at a hustings of all the prospective parliamentary candidates for the constituency on the university campus at 5pm that day. The university is one of the biggest local employers, owns much of the housing and runs the bus service and this hustings was scheduled weeks ago and is one of the biggest public events of the local campaign. The only real chance for members of the public to hear every candidate’s views and for Shapps to explain why the hospital he promised to keep open has now been closed. The nearest A&E department is 15 miles away in Stevenage. It occurs to me that Shapps may just have overslept, so I drive out to his home in one of the more upmarket areas in the constituency. There are surveillance cameras operating, a car parker in the drive and a boiler vent that is belching out steam. I ring the bell. No answer. What should I do? Shapps has a couple of large dogs. What if they need walkies? Perhaps they have their own treadmills. What if Shapps is lying unconscious and is desperate need of an ambulance to Stevenage? On balance, unlikely. An ITV reporter who has been inside his house told me on Monday that Shapps has his own media room with a green screen. So he can technically appear to be anywhere in the world. His own James Bond film even. Having failed to locate Shapps, I go in search of some of the voters who gave him a 17,000 majority at the last election. The first two people I meet turn out to be Labour supporters. “Why is Shapps so popular here?” I ask, “when he so often appears ridiculous in public?” “We’re not sure,” they laugh. “People think that’s how all MPs behave and he’s a good constituency MP.” I’m later informed that Shapps has an email system that can automatically generate “Dear First name” replies, so he may not be quite so hands on as people think. Three hours before the hustings are due to begin a tweet that may or may not come from Shapps informs the world that he is having a great day out in Sherwood. Still technically enough time for him to be back in Hatfield and avoid insulting both his constituents and his opponents, but it’s going to be tight. The organisers tweet back asking him to confirm his attendance. There doesn’t appear to be a reply. A la Recherche du Shapps Perdu is turning into a national emergency. At the university hall, seats have been set up for all seven candidates; Grant Shapps, Labour’s Anawar Miah, Lib Dem Hugh Annand, Green Marc Schiemann, Richard Shattock of the Trade Unionist and Socialist Coalition, Ukip’s Arthur Steven and Michael Green. This last seat turns out not to be the university hedging its bets by allowing Shapps to come as either of himselves. This Michael Green turns out to be comedian Heydon Prowse who has changed his name for the election to run as an independent. Switching identities isn’t the only thing Prowse shares with Shapps. The ability not to turn up is also contagious. The only two seats that remain empty for the hustings are both Shapps’s and Green’s. Maybe they really are the same person after all. Unlike the BBC, the university doesn’t bottle it and decides to empty chair them both. There is a sense of anger in the hall that Shapps hasn’t bothered to turn up; but not surprise. The only thing that could possibly surprise his constituents now is if he actually turned out to be himself. As for me? I’m still worried about Grant. He may have a 17,000 majority but surely he wouldn’t run the risk of insulting 26,000 students by not even letting the organisers know he wasn’t coming? Oh Grant, Grant, wherefore art thou Grant? |