Paint your house with stripes and other ways to introduce yourself to the neighbourhood

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/apr/29/sex-drugs-rock-and-roll-neighbours

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There are a number of ways to ingratiate yourself with your neighbours. But, as we have all learned ever since everyone’s favourite stripy house went viral, getting creative with your decorating isn’t one of them.

That particular paint job appeared because the owner in question was feeling a bit disgruntled about a planning permission rejection, and fought back in the only way a person possibly can nowadays: by making her entire house ugly. Unfortunately, it has now been ruled by Kensington and Chelsea council that the owner has to return her abode to the same old boring colour as the rest of the houses on the street.

But if you too are feeling the urge to make a statement on your residential street, why wait for a minor annoyance to show off your true colours to your neighbours? Here are some failsafe tips on how to introduce yourself loudly and proudly the minute you move in.

Be sociable

What better way to show your entire neighbourhood that you’re a sociable bunch or super-friendly family than to have a big party to welcome yourself to the street? Mondays or Tuesdays are ideal days to plan a raucous event for because everyone’s feeling sad the weekend is over and pining for an excuse to get on the tequila again.

Hospitable ways you can make everybody feel welcome include: turning up the music loud enough for your elderly neighbours to hear (it might shake the foundations, but old people deserve Beyoncé too); providing a well-stocked drugs buffet that means everyone gets to pick their favourite poison; setting bin fires in the communal gardens, to encourage that festival vibe. If you don’t inspire a newspaper article headline in the vein of Worst Student Parties Ever, you’re doing something wrong.

Become part of the community

The best way you can add to your community is literally. So physically extend your house as soon as possible after exchanging contracts. You’ve just broken out of the rental market, so now is the time to break free of those landlord shackles and really let your inner Kevin McCloud loose.

Remember that rooftop jacuzzi you always wanted? Why not get it installed, maybe even on a platform? So as to keep your enviable plans from any local copycats, make sure most of the building works are done in the dead of night or early hours of the morning.

Spread the love

And do it loudly. These days, there’s so much angst going round implying that sex is taboo, unhealthy or morally wrong. Help everyone feel comfortable with their bodies by going at it with aplomb – make sure you’re really hitting those decibel highs. So as not to discriminate against the deaf, remember to leave the curtains open.

Help people to expect the unexpected

People get lulled into a false sense of security in this predictable world, spending their days floating mindlessly from one self-aggrandising social media update to the next. Help them to expect the unexpected by making like the infamous Norman Thompson and blasting Frosty the Snowman throughout the summer in your backyard. In the long run, they’ll thank you for it.

Show off your allegiances

Last year, a man tried to smash through my kitchen at 4am with a road sign. When I stuck my head out the window and enquired exactly what he and his mate were doing, they memorably replied: “We’re activists.”

Nowadays, anyone can be an activist. What you’re doing doesn’t have to make sense – and luckily, what you stand for doesn’t either. Why not occupy your neighbour’s car to protest against bankers’ bonuses, or remove all the glass in your housemates’ windows to show your opposition to wind farms? What’s important is that you’re not shying away from airing your views.

Stand your ground

Some people sharing your street are bound to be real bullies, what with their habit of putting cardboard in the plastics recycling box, and coming round for a cup of sugar because of their secret aspirations to bleed your finances dry. In such circumstance don’t be afraid to leave passive-aggressive Post-it notes that really let them know who’s boss – without the need for any confrontation!

Hand them the sugar, but stick a little paper reminder on the bottom of the mug that says: “Happy to do it this time, but maybe next time you can actually buy what you need when you do a grocery shop :).” They won’t be found sniffing round your well-stocked cupboards again.

“Heard you taking your bins out at 5am again rather than doing it the night before. I have a spare alarm clock if you need it, hun – know how hard it is to save up!” will also do the trick.

An excellent example of this is the person who sent a note to their neighbour this week demanding that they stop their child “laughing and giggling” in the back garden because it was disturbing their dogs and pet bird. The kindly complainant even suggested a solution: why not just limit your child’s outdoor time to 15 minutes a day?

Take a leaf out of this one’s book and you’ll be the talk of the town.