Why am I the one doing all the chores and making all the social arrangements?
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Version 0 of 1. The dilemma I work part-time, my partner full-time. We have two small children. I love my partner very much, but I feel daily resentment over the fact that he doesn’t hold in his head the minutiae that actually make our life work – who is looking after whom when, who needs which books/snacks, when school holidays take place and where we might go during them, times of extracurricular activities, our entire social life, friends’/relatives’ birthdays/anniversaries… I am boring myself now. He does do laundry, take kids to activities, cook etc, but it’s on my instigation. I am sure it was ever thus for women, and that I can be easily written off as a control freak, but these things matter to me. I just wish I didn’t feel so frustrated all the time. Mariella replies I’m not sure I’m qualified to answer this. As I sit contemplating your letter I’m also Googling cheap trampolines, adding a couple of items to my internet shop, eyeing the pile of laundry that’s mounting like a slag heap in my kitchen and checking school dates I need to add to the diary in this final term. To say I haven’t managed to find an equal balance in my own life is a gross understatement. And we are not alone – your letter echoes the conversations I often have with female friends and colleagues across the country on a daily basis. Four decades after the promise of equal pay was first enshrined in UK law, most women (yes, yes, and a few men) still contribute domestic and social services for free, often with the additional responsibility of trying to bring in a wage at the same time. This curious iniquity in partnership responsibilities, or simple exploitation, inexplicably continues to flourish. No wonder stress levels among my gender are at their highest in history. I married a man altogether more reformed than the many I auditioned in the years before we met. He cooks, he’s great with the children, he mends things… What more could I possibly want? Well, recognition for how much time and head space I invest in keeping home fires burning, kids cared for while we are at work, food in the fridge, sports kit washed, school shoes bought, playdates arranged and all the many other often tiresome details that make family life a reality. Satisfaction is rare, with little to step back and admire at the end of the day except another load in the dishwasher. Can there be a woman in the land who doesn’t feel similarly put upon? If there is, perhaps she has the answer to this most pressing, pertinent and seemingly unsolvable dilemma of our times. I’ve also observed in gay male friends the same tendency for one partner to carry the weight of domestic expectation and social activities, while the other is liberated to remain chore-free and diary-blind for all eternity. In such couples both partners are nearly always in work. In my own experience it’s only among lesbian couples that I’ve ever witnessed a fair division of labour, which suggests, I’m sorry to say, that it is men who are the problem! I describe it as a dilemma of our times, but really it seems to be a dilemma for all times, as I’m not sure anything much has changed in millennia – it’s just that now women are expected to work outside the home as well as within it. Thousands of years of conditioning have left most of the global population believing that keeping food on the table (whether by growing the crop or rustling up a Delia recipe), putting clean clothes on our backs (by scrubbing them in the local river or stuffing them in the Bosch), organising children, getting homework done and tea on the table, teeth brushed and so on are a woman’s birthright. It’s our natural inclination and something we would be indignant about if a partner muscled in on it. Nothing could be further from the truth. The first thing any woman who makes some money does is try to delegate the dreaded domestic duties. Changing thousands of years of expectation in one short century is a challenge not to be sniffed at and, like all revolutions, requires radical action. Personally speaking, I find International Women’s Day futile, as it leaves the world with a free conscience to carry on with misogynist business as usual for the other 364 days of the year. My vote would be that, instead of the banner-waving and bursts of feminist rhetoric launched that day and forgotten the next, IWD should be commandeered as a 24-hour period of strike action, with every woman in the world putting her feet up. Just imagine the chaos that would ensue and the recognition that would surely have to follow for all us worker bees scurrying around making sure the world keeps on turning. I’m not sure if that’s helpful, but I certainly feel a lot better for the rant! If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1 Follow the Observer Magazine on Twitter @ObsMagazine |