Kim and Kanye’s conception drive: uterus cleaning and a fertility chef
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Version 0 of 1. Call it a sixth sense, but there are moments when Lost in Showbiz feels the hands of its readers tugging imploringly at its sleeve, their faces upturned, their eyes beseeching, an urgent question forming on their lips. “Lost in Showbiz,” they ask, “for the love of God, what news of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s plans to conceive a second child?” At this, Lost in Showbiz smiles benignly. Rest easy, my importunate friends, there is much news: over in California, preparations are afoot. Why, only the other week, viewers of Keeping Up with the Kardashians were treated to what Lost in Showbiz feels will one day come to be thought of as one of the great moments in the history of factual television, up there with The World at War or Kenneth Clark’s Civilisation: the sight of Kim Kardashian having her uterus cleaned out in front of a documentary crew. Now, more information has leaked to an eager public. According to the usual phalanx of unnamed insiders, eager to breach the impenetrable wall of secrecy and reserve surrounding a woman who has agreed to have her uterus cleaned out on national television, the Kardashian-Wests have employed “a brigade of baby experts” to help them conceive. These include a Chinese herbal doctor, a cupping therapist, “a new personal trainer who specialises in conception-boosting exercises” – frankly, if Lost in Showbiz was Kanye West, it would be keeping a very close eye indeed on him and his “exercises” – and a “live-in fertility chef”. The latter is apparently employed at the cost of £5,000 a month and ensures Kardashian’s diet is “packed full of fertility-boosting ingredients”. “Her chef says her body needs omega-3 fatty acids for maximum fertility, so she’ll be eating lots of mackerel, grilled tomatoes and poached eggs, for vitamin D. He has also recommended banana smoothies, because B6 is said to help egg production.” That sound you just heard in the background was a cry of anguish involuntarily springing from the lips of Lost in Showbiz, as it once more considered its lot in life and the stark contrast it presents to that of the men and women gainfully employed as service providers to people with more money than sense. Five grand a month to serve up mackerel, grilled tomatoes and poached eggs? Lost in Showbiz is blessed with no culinary skill whatsoever, beyond piercing film and microwaving on full for three minutes, but it is fairly sure it could manage that. Actually, it can’t do poached eggs, but let’s not split hairs when a fabulous new opportunity is staring us in the face. What is it doing writing this, when it could be on the next plane to LA, natty in chef’s whites and hat, lucrative new career in the offing? Don’t worry – it is happy to pay excess baggage on those cases of Aldi mackerel fillets in tomato sauce, or, as it likes to think of them, the tools of its trade. Watch out, Tinseltown! There’s a hot new fertility chef in town! |