Trans life: for years I wished my feet were bigger
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Version 0 of 1. I hereby take this opportunity to apologise to my mother for serial dishonesty. Yes, mum: all my shoes were too big for me and, deep down, I knew it. I just really wanted bigger feet. At Clarks, buying school shoes, I would game the system when the lady made me stand in that giant plastic measuring foot. With the metal ruler chilling the insides of my feet, my stubby toes climbed the tacky surface, hoping to surreptitiously gain half a size. My flip-flops always flipped off unless I meditated on holding them in place. I remember in sixth form – size six on a good day – sneaking to a shoe shop in Dover to buy size-seven steel-toe Docs. Why go big when you can go monstrous? Such were the fashion foibles of a confused and stubborn trans boy. I persevered despite my mum’s raised eyebrow. She didn’t know what was going on either, except that my shoes were too big and I really didn’t like talking about it. The thing was that I believed my own hype. In my mind’s eye, every part of me was more broad than in reality. With shoes off, I could only thank my dad’s family line for our wide-set metatarsals. Hobbity feet are at least rugged. Long after I should have known better, I bought my dream skate shoes in size 7.5. They were the last pair. I remember Mum’s raised eyebrow again, looking at my feet, which seemed to be housed in small fishing boats. As satisfying as it is to reminisce from a point of new-found clarity and self- acceptance, I actually have another confession. Mum, I only found it within me to admit that you were right because I have something better to gloat about. Sunday 12 April was my second T-day. In other words, I’ve been transitioning on testosterone for two years and capricious male puberty’s gift to me is – you guessed it – slightly bigger feet. I realised this while trying, for the first time, to buy shoes that fit. These also happened to be a pair of skate shoes in just the right colour. So, naturally I bought them anyway. Mum, I’ll let you know when you can lower that eyebrow. |