How not to lose votes and alienate young people

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/apr/21/votes-young-people-ed-miliband-yolo-voters

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Poor Ed. He’s damned if he does, and he’s damned if he doesn’t. Miliband admitted in an interview with Time Out magazine that he didn’t know what yolo meant. But can you imagine if, apropos of nothing, the 45-year-old had come out with “yolo” while on the campaign trail?

Of course, as with so much in politics, we’ve been here before, when Rebekah Brooks savagely outed David Cameron as thinking LOL meant “lots of love”.

So, to avoid looking like a guy who’s just scribbled marker pen over his hand in an attempt to replicate the stamp for the club night he’s just been knocked back from, here are some handy tips for Miliband and all other politicians hoping to woo millenials (tip number one: we hate being called that).

Related: Apathy or antipathy? Why so few young people vote

Speak our language

We’ll start with a mini crib sheet for politicians should the following words ever come up in the course of speaking to a person under the age of 25 during a walkabout, since understanding the parlance of youth is even trickier than eating a bacon sandwich photogenically.

bae – meaning a loved one, boyfriend, crush, or, wider, something liked or approved of. Potential for an Ich bin ein Berliner moment here, however: bae also means “poop” in Danish.

on fleek – when something is truly on game, perfect. For example: Nicola Sturgeon’s TV debate performances are on fleek.

tfw – stands for “that feel when”. For instance: that feel when you lose an election because you’ve come across as alienating and aloof.

We don’t care about the price of milk

It’s a trope of interviewers to ask politicians how much a pint of milk costs to find out how in touch with the real word they are. This isn’t really relevant to a young audience because milk is not an ingredient in a chicken and mushroom Pot Noodle. If politicians think they’re genuinely au fait with the younger generation, well, do they understand how much it costs to rent a room on the private rental market? What about the extortionate costs of gig and festival tickets? How much does it cost for a pouch of tobacco? Or to buy a single track on iTunes?

We can smell bullshit

Young people feel things more viscerally, our senses are more alive, and not just because of nitrous oxide or whatever. When it comes to politicians, we become jaded faster than a ring bought at Camden market worn in the sun.

It’s not just young people who hate that politicians talk in riddles and default obfuscate, but the problem for politicians is that we have the tools to make memes. Lots and lots of memes.

We also react more brutally when it comes to liars and betrayal. Young people have better memories. Nick Clegg, with his tuition fee pledges in tatters – gangsta look aside – has done more to deter the youth vote than Russell Brand.

The proof’s in the pudding, with a drop of almost 10% in young voter registration for 2015 (not helped by registration rule changes).

Oh, and Ed, never do an interview like this again.

Young people feel things more viscerally, our senses are more alive, and not just because of ​​nitrous oxide or whatever

Watch your tweet etiquette

Given that most politicians’ Twitter accounts are probably run by 21-year-olds fresh from an Oxford PPE course, this isn’t a disastrous area for them. It’s been noted that politicians have already picked up on the pass-agg tactic of .@ing someone into an open tweet. But their subtweeting game could be stronger. Why hasn’t Ed tweeted: “Still can’t figure out the rules of fives.” Or something similar?

They also need to remember we can see who they are following. Why was Cameron following the EA game Sim City?

Aw man, @David_Cameron has unfollowed @SimCityBuildIt. I liked to think that was where he was getting all his housing policies from.

The Smiths are amazing, but this is 2015

Remember when Cameron thought that wearing Converse, and talking about The Smiths made him cool? Of course The Smiths are incredible, but first-time voters weren’t even born when their last album was released. And remember Gordon Brown saying Arctic Monkeys really woke him up in the morning, and then couldn’t name a single song? (He later confessed he was into Coldplay.)

It’s wholly depressing that the Westminster insider with the most up-to-date music taste is Samantha Cameron. She’s name checked Azealia Banks, The War on Drugs, Poliça and First Aid Kit.

If politicians wanna earn respect: FKA Twigs, Young Fathers or St Vincent are all good options.

We don’t all read the Economist

The Guardian, New Statesman, the Telegraph, FT, the Spectator etc – all the big print institutions are deemed most deserving of big-hitting political interviews. But it was telling that Miliband didn’t know what Vice News was. Buzzfeed snaffled an interview with Cameron, which was a coup, but the PM was patronising and came across as insincere.

Politicians do occasionally branch out into other media to reach key demographics – such as the interviews with women’s magazines to grab their vote – but aides are too busy booking Question Time, it seems, to put politicians out there to reach a younger audience. None of the major players felt fit to show up to the BBC’s excellent Free Speech series, for instance.

Meanwhile, mainstream media continues to pretty much ignore Labour’s manifesto pledge to lower the voting age to 16 (in line with the Lib Dems’ position). Was everyone asleep when this was announced? Why is nobody commenting on this? Like, hello?

Don’t patronise us

You think we haven’t noticed the Tory plan to strip housing benefit and jobseeker’s allowance for 18-21 year olds? You think we haven’t realised that Cameron has oddly tried to sell pension changes as a policy for young people because we all want “our grandparents to be treated decently”? Give us a break. No, seriously. Give us an actual break.