Does it matter if siblings go to different schools? You bet it does

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/apr/16/siblings-different-schools-can-be-disastrous

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“They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do,” wrote Philip Larkin. One of the ways in which they can do so is in their choice of schools for you, their children – but increasingly, the choice is no longer theirs.

Today is national primary-school offer day, with parents waiting to hear which school their four- and five-year-olds will be going to in the autumn. Yet earlier this week, it was reported that the education system is reaching breaking point, with many siblings being split between different schools due to a lack of sufficient school places. The major parties are using the squeeze as a political football in the election campaign, with Labour and the Conservatives blaming the squeeze on each other’s current and former policies.

This is little help to parents facing the fact that their children may have to attend different schools. But does it really matter if they do end up separated? Apart from the logistical nightmare that might result, with parents having to arrange to take and retrieve their children from different schools, especially tricky when those schools have the same start and end times, could this separation have a damaging effect on the child?

Giving siblings a shared experience bonds them, and creates a closer relationship

My experience of education, in Birmingham, one of the areas that has seen a particular pressure on school places in recent years, was different from my sister’s. We started off at the same primary school, but ended up in different secondaries. This means that we have some shared experiences, but some that were very different, giving us separate outlooks on our childhoods and teenage years.

I was given a place at the primary school my sister, two years my senior, already attended. I started with the inevitable comparisons to my clever, extrovert sibling, and was seen as the not-so-academic, argumentative child. In this light, attending the same school had its drawbacks. Yet I was secure. As a very shy child, I knew that if I needed help or support, my sister and her friends were nearby. Studies have identified that siblings may provide some shy children, at least, with a sense of “protection” in the school environment, and this was certainly my experience.

At secondary level, things changed. My sister, applying for school two years before me, got into the catchment school – a former grammar with an excellent reputation. By the time I applied, the catchment areas had changed. My parents applied for me to go to my sister’s school anyway, hoping that I would get in as I had a sibling there. I didn’t – it was oversubscribed. They appealed; the appeal was rejected.

So I went to a different school to my sister, and while she thrived, I didn’t. I was now at a school where I knew nobody, my friends having got into my sister’s school due to still being within its catchment area. I started skiving, and my work suffered. Worse, my relationships with my family suffered. I blamed my parents for not managing to get me into my sister’s school, and I resented my sister for going somewhere better than I did. Our separate schools highlighted the differences between us.

Related: Primary school places in England 'near breaking point'

The pressure on school places means that stories like mine, where siblings end up having separate, different experiences at school, are becoming more common. Does it matter? Yes. Giving siblings a shared experience bonds them, and creates a closer relationship, even if they don’t realise it at the time. Sending a child to a different school to his or her sibling can have a negative effect on their mental wellbeing, especially for a shy or timid child.

Of course, some children will cope with a different school better than others, and some might thrive away from their sibling. My own children went to different primary schools, for example, but this was their choice, and suited their very different personalities. But in my experience, choice is the key word. Taking the choice away from parents and their children, as is increasingly the case, can have a long-lasting impact on the concept of a shared family experience.