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Trident is today's hot-button issue – even for apprentices in Nottingham Trident is today's hot-button issue – even for apprentices in Nottingham
(3 days later)
“It can be a bit baffling, elections,” explained David Cameron. “You’ve got the red team battling the blue team, the purple team attacking the yellow team…”“It can be a bit baffling, elections,” explained David Cameron. “You’ve got the red team battling the blue team, the purple team attacking the yellow team…”
To Sherwood, Nottingham – not a great metaphorical space for the Tories – where the prime minister was patronising some National Grid apprentices. Hard to pick a highlight, but there was much to enjoy in the bit where he painstakingly explained the minimum wage to people who were probably a shade more across its realities than he was. Still, he was an apprentice once: maybe you’ll recall his little face in the background when Norman Lamont was explaining why the ERM had just handed Britain its arse.To Sherwood, Nottingham – not a great metaphorical space for the Tories – where the prime minister was patronising some National Grid apprentices. Hard to pick a highlight, but there was much to enjoy in the bit where he painstakingly explained the minimum wage to people who were probably a shade more across its realities than he was. Still, he was an apprentice once: maybe you’ll recall his little face in the background when Norman Lamont was explaining why the ERM had just handed Britain its arse.
The ostensible theme of the event was apprenticeships, so the PM was introduced by Karren Brady, who works on a television programme about pretend apprentices. Once she’d done the honours, Cameron handed her his jacket and got started.The ostensible theme of the event was apprenticeships, so the PM was introduced by Karren Brady, who works on a television programme about pretend apprentices. Once she’d done the honours, Cameron handed her his jacket and got started.
These were working folk, so he began with a joke that combined football with something else they would understand: power surges. “I’m hoping for the big moment when Villa win the FA Cup and we can all have a cup of tea after the game and cause a huge power surge. Well, I can dream, can’t I?” Silence. Oof. Whichever speechwriter came up with that one is definitely on traffic duty for the rest of the week.These were working folk, so he began with a joke that combined football with something else they would understand: power surges. “I’m hoping for the big moment when Villa win the FA Cup and we can all have a cup of tea after the game and cause a huge power surge. Well, I can dream, can’t I?” Silence. Oof. Whichever speechwriter came up with that one is definitely on traffic duty for the rest of the week.
Ed Miliband wants to renew Trident. David Cameron wants you to know that he wants to renew it more.Ed Miliband wants to renew Trident. David Cameron wants you to know that he wants to renew it more.
The event itself is one of those regular-ish gigs that Cameron styles as “PM Direct”, which sound like the sort of afternoon courier service which you’d wait in pointlessly for, knowing with more certainty than you’d ever known anything that you wouldn’t see your white goods till late in the next AM.The event itself is one of those regular-ish gigs that Cameron styles as “PM Direct”, which sound like the sort of afternoon courier service which you’d wait in pointlessly for, knowing with more certainty than you’d ever known anything that you wouldn’t see your white goods till late in the next AM.
In fact, PM Direct involves Cameron standing in the middle of tightly circled rows of chairs, and answering questions from members of the audience. It’s fair to say the quality of the questions suggested that his public probably hadn’t needed that immensely complex idea of “the general election” explained to them earlier. What was he going to do to address the problems in politics with honesty and integrity? What were the key enablers of a low carbon economy?In fact, PM Direct involves Cameron standing in the middle of tightly circled rows of chairs, and answering questions from members of the audience. It’s fair to say the quality of the questions suggested that his public probably hadn’t needed that immensely complex idea of “the general election” explained to them earlier. What was he going to do to address the problems in politics with honesty and integrity? What were the key enablers of a low carbon economy?
On his record, he was impressively clear. On his plans, less so. Everyone says Cameron doesn’t do detail, but there were moments when he didn’t really do nouns. Take his answer to an inquiry about the future role of engineering. “We need to make more things; we need to design more things; we need to sell more things.” It was like the “before” photo of a policy in a plastic surgeon’s waiting room.On his record, he was impressively clear. On his plans, less so. Everyone says Cameron doesn’t do detail, but there were moments when he didn’t really do nouns. Take his answer to an inquiry about the future role of engineering. “We need to make more things; we need to design more things; we need to sell more things.” It was like the “before” photo of a policy in a plastic surgeon’s waiting room.
Mainly, though, he wanted to say things they weren’t really asking about. “What’s this election about?” he asked himself. “I’ll tell you in one word: security.” Or as defence secretary Michael Fallon had put it in that morning’s Times: “What’s this election about? I’ll tell you in one word: security.”Mainly, though, he wanted to say things they weren’t really asking about. “What’s this election about?” he asked himself. “I’ll tell you in one word: security.” Or as defence secretary Michael Fallon had put it in that morning’s Times: “What’s this election about? I’ll tell you in one word: security.”
Which all eventually served as a sort of terrible local radio link for getting onto the Tories’ card of the day: Trident. It may look OK on the TV, but in person it always feels so weird – this business of politicians coming somewhere and having lines they just have to get out there for the cameras, no matter who the flesh-and-blood audience is. There’s always some class of nine-year-olds sitting quietly as a minister announces a ramping up of Iranian sanctions, or a crowd of National Grid apprentices probably wondering why Cameron is twatting on and on about Trident.Which all eventually served as a sort of terrible local radio link for getting onto the Tories’ card of the day: Trident. It may look OK on the TV, but in person it always feels so weird – this business of politicians coming somewhere and having lines they just have to get out there for the cameras, no matter who the flesh-and-blood audience is. There’s always some class of nine-year-olds sitting quietly as a minister announces a ramping up of Iranian sanctions, or a crowd of National Grid apprentices probably wondering why Cameron is twatting on and on about Trident.
Still, needs must, apparently. The Tories seemed to be subtly raising that classic political chestnut: the matter of which candidate’s finger you’d really want on the nuclear button. Obviously, no one in their right mind wants anyone’s finger on any nuclear button. In fact, the entire concept of a nuclear button as far as Britain is concerned feels self-parodic, given that we wouldn’t be allowed to use our nuclear weapons unless American told us to. And even that’s assuming that the US hasn’t lost its own nuclear button, as Bill Clinton hilariously did when president. They call it the nuclear biscuit, in the White House, and Clinton realised that mislaying it was a bit of a howler, so didn’t tell anyone about it for several months. (The joint chiefs eventually rumbled him on it the very morning after the Monica Lewinsky scandal broke. Tough week.)Still, needs must, apparently. The Tories seemed to be subtly raising that classic political chestnut: the matter of which candidate’s finger you’d really want on the nuclear button. Obviously, no one in their right mind wants anyone’s finger on any nuclear button. In fact, the entire concept of a nuclear button as far as Britain is concerned feels self-parodic, given that we wouldn’t be allowed to use our nuclear weapons unless American told us to. And even that’s assuming that the US hasn’t lost its own nuclear button, as Bill Clinton hilariously did when president. They call it the nuclear biscuit, in the White House, and Clinton realised that mislaying it was a bit of a howler, so didn’t tell anyone about it for several months. (The joint chiefs eventually rumbled him on it the very morning after the Monica Lewinsky scandal broke. Tough week.)
Related: Let’s have a referendum on renewal of the Trident nuclear weapons system | Letters
Back to the more prosaic business of today, and Cameron wasn’t going to criticise Michael Fallon for suggesting that Trident was like Ed Miliband’s brother. “I think he was absolutely right to raise it,” he said, “in a pretty frank way as he did today”.Back to the more prosaic business of today, and Cameron wasn’t going to criticise Michael Fallon for suggesting that Trident was like Ed Miliband’s brother. “I think he was absolutely right to raise it,” he said, “in a pretty frank way as he did today”.
Indeed, there was a lesson here for all of us. The world was dangerous. “We never know what threats will emerge,” Cameron warned the National Grid apprentices, informing them that Labour “are playing fast and loose with the country’s security.”Indeed, there was a lesson here for all of us. The world was dangerous. “We never know what threats will emerge,” Cameron warned the National Grid apprentices, informing them that Labour “are playing fast and loose with the country’s security.”
Which feels confusing for anyone convinced Thursday was just another edifying lesson in neoliberal consensus. Ed Miliband wants to renew Trident. David Cameron wants you to know that he wants to renew it more. They’re basically fighting over who would renew Trident more lovingly, and make it feel more wanted and more special about itself. And obviously, who would press its button on the unthinkably remote chance that the Americans ever told them to.Which feels confusing for anyone convinced Thursday was just another edifying lesson in neoliberal consensus. Ed Miliband wants to renew Trident. David Cameron wants you to know that he wants to renew it more. They’re basically fighting over who would renew Trident more lovingly, and make it feel more wanted and more special about itself. And obviously, who would press its button on the unthinkably remote chance that the Americans ever told them to.