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Britain's answer to tough guy Putin? It's Go Ape Clegg Britain's answer to tough guy Putin? It's Go Ape Clegg
(35 minutes later)
One of the underlying themes of this election campaign has been how to deal with Vladimir Putin. In 2015 he’s our big baddie; the steely puppetmaster with whom our next prime minister will inevitably go chest to chest. Think you can lead a country? First, prove you’re tough enough to deal with Putin. One of the underlying themes of this election campaign has been how to deal with Vladimir Putin. In 2015 he’s our big baddie; the steely puppetmaster with whom our next prime minister will inevitably go chest to chest. Even MPs like Nick Boles are so worried who will lead us through the Putin threat that they’ve started indiscriminately canvassing Twitter for opinions. Think you can lead a country? First, prove you’re tough enough to deal with Putin.
Ask yourself this. Who does Vladimir Putin want to see running Britain after 7th May?
Until Wednesday, the party leaders had come up short. When pressed by Jeremy Paxman on whether he was up to the job, all Ed Miliband could muster was a watery “Hell yes”, as if his spirit animal had been the conspicuously posh boy from that 20-year-old chip advert all along. And, based on the fact that it takes her the same amount of time to source a reliable signage professional as it does Putin to annex entire countries, it’s likely that Natalie Bennett wouldn’t be much cop either.Until Wednesday, the party leaders had come up short. When pressed by Jeremy Paxman on whether he was up to the job, all Ed Miliband could muster was a watery “Hell yes”, as if his spirit animal had been the conspicuously posh boy from that 20-year-old chip advert all along. And, based on the fact that it takes her the same amount of time to source a reliable signage professional as it does Putin to annex entire countries, it’s likely that Natalie Bennett wouldn’t be much cop either.
But then a new hero came swaggering into view. The answer had been staring us in the face all along, we’d just been too stupid to see it. All this time, we’d had a leader in our midst who could eat Putin for dinner and use his bones as a toothpick. On Wednesday everything snapped into focus when Nick Clegg went to Go Ape.But then a new hero came swaggering into view. The answer had been staring us in the face all along, we’d just been too stupid to see it. All this time, we’d had a leader in our midst who could eat Putin for dinner and use his bones as a toothpick. On Wednesday everything snapped into focus when Nick Clegg went to Go Ape.
Just look at the photos if you need any proof. There’s Clegg halfway up a tree in Exeter – which, by the way, is widely regarded as Devon’s Sevastopol – being the exact British equivalent of Putin strolling through a creek with his top off. In fact, it was even more impressive than that. Whenever you see a picture of Putin oozing machismo in the wild, he’s always kitted out in military-grade apparel. Clegg managed to traverse a treetop rope bridge in what appeared to be a pair of mid-range navy chinos.Just look at the photos if you need any proof. There’s Clegg halfway up a tree in Exeter – which, by the way, is widely regarded as Devon’s Sevastopol – being the exact British equivalent of Putin strolling through a creek with his top off. In fact, it was even more impressive than that. Whenever you see a picture of Putin oozing machismo in the wild, he’s always kitted out in military-grade apparel. Clegg managed to traverse a treetop rope bridge in what appeared to be a pair of mid-range navy chinos.
The message was received like a clarion call. Putin? All the gear but no idea. Clegg? Challenge him to a race to the newsagents and back and he’d probably want to do it in his parliamentary dress shoes. You know how much of a shit Nick Clegg gives? None. He gives none of a shit. He isn’t scared of you, because he’s got nothing to lose.The message was received like a clarion call. Putin? All the gear but no idea. Clegg? Challenge him to a race to the newsagents and back and he’d probably want to do it in his parliamentary dress shoes. You know how much of a shit Nick Clegg gives? None. He gives none of a shit. He isn’t scared of you, because he’s got nothing to lose.
To think, we’d all been dumb enough to doubt him. To think all this time we’d seen him as the withered conjoined twin in the coalition, feebly letting his ideology blow away in the wind for the slightest lick of power. To think we mocked him. But today we should apologise. Nick Clegg, we had you wrong. Go Ape is no mean feat. I did one a couple of years ago. The children in the group ahead of me loved it, but their middle-aged auntie nearly threw up on the Tarzan swing. You’re her new hero, Nick. You’re everyone’s new hero.To think, we’d all been dumb enough to doubt him. To think all this time we’d seen him as the withered conjoined twin in the coalition, feebly letting his ideology blow away in the wind for the slightest lick of power. To think we mocked him. But today we should apologise. Nick Clegg, we had you wrong. Go Ape is no mean feat. I did one a couple of years ago. The children in the group ahead of me loved it, but their middle-aged auntie nearly threw up on the Tarzan swing. You’re her new hero, Nick. You’re everyone’s new hero.
So let’s do the sensible thing. Let’s give the Liberal Democrats an overwhelming majority next month so that the next time Putin starts kicking off, we can send Clegg over there – his Go Ape safety harness still casually buckled to his beltloops – to sort things out the only way he knows how. That’s right, Putin. You think you’re the big man? Well get a load of this. Target archery. Woburn Center Parcs. Ten minutes. Or are you scared?So let’s do the sensible thing. Let’s give the Liberal Democrats an overwhelming majority next month so that the next time Putin starts kicking off, we can send Clegg over there – his Go Ape safety harness still casually buckled to his beltloops – to sort things out the only way he knows how. That’s right, Putin. You think you’re the big man? Well get a load of this. Target archery. Woburn Center Parcs. Ten minutes. Or are you scared?