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Nigel Farage seems nervous – even his supporters can't ask questions Nigel Farage seems nervous – even his supporters can’t ask questions
(about 3 hours later)
A day with Nigel Farage is like stumbling into some malarially off-key advert for the British Tourist Board, circa “The Past”. Think of it as The Darling Bigots of May. On Tuesday it was afternoon tea, then soldiers. We need more of them, probably blowing kisses to their sweethearts. On Wednesday, it was a boat trip, the lost idyll of the trawlermen, and an ice-cream parlour. And a man screaming outside a town hall: “They don’t come to work though, the 5 million of them that walk through the borders every few years!”A day with Nigel Farage is like stumbling into some malarially off-key advert for the British Tourist Board, circa “The Past”. Think of it as The Darling Bigots of May. On Tuesday it was afternoon tea, then soldiers. We need more of them, probably blowing kisses to their sweethearts. On Wednesday, it was a boat trip, the lost idyll of the trawlermen, and an ice-cream parlour. And a man screaming outside a town hall: “They don’t come to work though, the 5 million of them that walk through the borders every few years!”
The Ukip leader was in Grimsby to address a meeting of people who appeared to have laid out lavish amounts of their pensions on Ukip ties, scarves and pound-sign lapel pins. And one chap dressed as St George, complete with a green dragon motor scooter.The Ukip leader was in Grimsby to address a meeting of people who appeared to have laid out lavish amounts of their pensions on Ukip ties, scarves and pound-sign lapel pins. And one chap dressed as St George, complete with a green dragon motor scooter.
The undercard took place on the pavement outside, and consisted of a group of about 30 people from the Trade Unionist and Socialist Coalition having a shouting match with Ukip supporters. “You’re racist!” they chanted, to be met with the bellowed reply: “Maggie Thatcher died of a broken heart because of scum like you.” Technically, I believe she succumbed to a stroke – but we move on.The undercard took place on the pavement outside, and consisted of a group of about 30 people from the Trade Unionist and Socialist Coalition having a shouting match with Ukip supporters. “You’re racist!” they chanted, to be met with the bellowed reply: “Maggie Thatcher died of a broken heart because of scum like you.” Technically, I believe she succumbed to a stroke – but we move on.
Or rather back, because before any of this could take place there had been a vital dockside and waterborne encounter with Joey Essex, the reality TV star whose pronouncements on this election are being treated by some commentators with increasingly comic reverence. So completely clueless is the political class that it has basically anointed the Only Way Is Essex star as the campaign’s Chauncey Gardiner. Chauncey is the Peter Sellers character in Being There, you may recall, whose accidental elevation to economic sage sees his opinions about gardening and the weather interpreted as profound allegorical utterances. He is feted in Washington and eventually gets a chatshow.Or rather back, because before any of this could take place there had been a vital dockside and waterborne encounter with Joey Essex, the reality TV star whose pronouncements on this election are being treated by some commentators with increasingly comic reverence. So completely clueless is the political class that it has basically anointed the Only Way Is Essex star as the campaign’s Chauncey Gardiner. Chauncey is the Peter Sellers character in Being There, you may recall, whose accidental elevation to economic sage sees his opinions about gardening and the weather interpreted as profound allegorical utterances. He is feted in Washington and eventually gets a chatshow.
Nigel took Joey alone on his boat trip round the harbour, where they are believed to have discussed fish, among other things. Honest local fish, ideally, not fish from overseas. It is to be hoped that Ukip would put a cap on the number of foreign fish entering British nets, or at the very least deny them access to tartare sauce.Nigel took Joey alone on his boat trip round the harbour, where they are believed to have discussed fish, among other things. Honest local fish, ideally, not fish from overseas. It is to be hoped that Ukip would put a cap on the number of foreign fish entering British nets, or at the very least deny them access to tartare sauce.
From there, it was on to the hall, where Nigel delivered some presumably scripted off-the-cuff answers to a series of pre-approved questions. It turns out the great British public are not allowed to read out their own pre-vetted questions to the Ukip leader. Instead, the moderator took over, prefacing them with comments like: “I think I’m going to enjoy this one”, and “You’re going to like this one, Nigel!” Paxman it wasn’t. How were Ukip going to put Grimsby back on the map? one question ran. “I think we’re already putting Grimsby back on the map,” declared prospective candidate Victoria Ayling, looking reverentially at Nigel, as though the mere fact of his visit constituted a significant revival in the town’s fortunes. From there, it was on to the hall, where Nigel delivered some presumably scripted off-the-cuff answers to a series of pre-approved questions. It turns out the great British public are not allowed to read out their own pre-vetted questions to the Ukip leader. Instead, the moderator took over, prefacing them with comments like: “I think I’m going to enjoy this one,” and “You’re going to like this one, Nigel!” Paxman it wasn’t. How were Ukip going to put Grimsby back on the map? one question ran. “I think we’re already putting Grimsby back on the map,” declared prospective candidate Victoria Ayling, looking reverentially at Nigel, as though the mere fact of his visit constituted a significant revival in the town’s fortunes.
Ukip’s event management is a bit of a mixed bag. On the one hand, they’re obsessively controlling. On the other, it’s striking how many of their gigs seem – to this outsider at least – to end in muddle or meltdown. Either Nigel has to barricade himself into a pub whilst protesters bay outside, or he’s chased from the pub, or one of the party’s ground operatives has to be sacked for some cosmic racist misunderstanding. If Farage wins on 7 May, he should remove his top to reveal a T-shirt reading: “Why Always Me?” Ukip’s event management is a bit of a mixed bag. On the one hand, they’re obsessively controlling. On the other, it’s striking how many of their gigs seem – to this outsider at least – to end in muddle or meltdown. Either Nigel has to barricade himself into a pub while protesters bay outside, or he’s chased from the pub, or one of the party’s ground operatives has to be sacked for some cosmic racist misunderstanding. If Farage wins on 7 May, he should remove his top to reveal a T-shirt reading: “Why Always Me?”
As it turned out, today’s visit would fall into the category of abortive pub trips. After the town hall, from which he was bundled out via a protester-free back exit, Farage was due to have lunch in the local Hope and Anchor pub. Everything had been prepared. There was a specially named pint of “Fraageale” [sic] on tap for him to pull. The landlord went round personally barring every person who even looked like a protester – listen, it’s his name above the door – and Ukip supporters waited on tenterhooks, leaving the best three tables in the bar free for his arrival. As it turned out, Wednesday’s visit would fall into the category of abortive pub trips. After the town hall, from which he was bundled out via a protester-free back exit, Farage was due to have lunch in the local Hope and Anchor pub. Everything had been prepared. There was a specially named pint of “Fraageale” [sic] on tap for him to pull. The landlord went round personally barring every person who even looked like a protester – listen, it’s his name above the door – and Ukip supporters waited on tenterhooks, leaving the best three tables in the bar free for his arrival.
As the time dragged on, the natives became restless. Where was Nigel? “Everyone wants a piece of him,” the candidate explained, uncertainly. For an hour and a half, they kept getting word that he was always just around the corner, on his way, going to arrive very soon.As the time dragged on, the natives became restless. Where was Nigel? “Everyone wants a piece of him,” the candidate explained, uncertainly. For an hour and a half, they kept getting word that he was always just around the corner, on his way, going to arrive very soon.
Until the news came to his crestfallen fans: Nigel had cancelled. He wasn’t coming at all. He’d gone to Cleethorpes to have fish and chips with a Mr Joey Essex. The landlord must have been a political ingenue with no idea of how absolutely vital it was for Nigel to make this essential connection, because he looked utterly crushed. You had his fish and chips warm for him here, didn’t you? “I did.” He’s done you up like a … well, a proverbial kipper. “Yes he has. Shame that.” Until the news came to his crestfallen fans: Nigel had cancelled. He wasn’t coming at all. He’d gone to Cleethorpes to have fish and chips with a Mr Joey Essex. The landlord must have been a political ingenue with no idea of how absolutely vital it was for Nigel to make this essential connection, because he looked utterly crushed. You had his fish and chips warm for him here, didn’t you? “I did.” He’s done you up like a … well, a proverbial kipper. “Yes he has. Shame, that.”
Indeed. Particularly as – if I may test-drive a piece of politicalese - Farage looks frit. All week he has shunned so much as allowing a supporter to ask him a question directly. Today he was a man of side entrances, hurried back-door exits, and a very nervous-seeming no-show. At this rate he’ll only be able to visit pubs with priest holes. Indeed. Particularly as – if I may test-drive a piece of politicalese – Farage looks frit. All week he has shunned so much as allowing a supporter to ask him a question directly. Today he was a man of side entrances, hurried back-door exits, and a very nervous-seeming no-show. At this rate he’ll only be able to visit pubs with priest holes.
It wasn’t that Nigel didn’t seem to meet anyone who wasn’t a Ukip supporter – he didn’t actually seem to meet anyone who wasn’t a Ukip worker (with one notable exception). That’s not unusual in a modern leader, but in a self-styled man of the people, it is beginning to have the flavour of a trades description offence.It wasn’t that Nigel didn’t seem to meet anyone who wasn’t a Ukip supporter – he didn’t actually seem to meet anyone who wasn’t a Ukip worker (with one notable exception). That’s not unusual in a modern leader, but in a self-styled man of the people, it is beginning to have the flavour of a trades description offence.