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This is the third episode of “Our Man in Tehran,” a video series on nytimes.com, produced with VPRO in the Netherlands, and the second of two videos about issues facing women in Iran. In the third episode of “Our Man in Tehran,” a video series on nytimes.com, produced with VPRO in the Netherlands, Somayeh Malekian discusses her decision to choose a modern, independent life in Tehran over a traditional future prescribed by her conservative upbringing. Ms. Malekian answered selected readers’ questions below.
To learn about new episodes, subscribe to the Times Video email newsletter, like The New York Times on Facebook or follow @nytimesworld on Twitter.To learn about new episodes, subscribe to the Times Video email newsletter, like The New York Times on Facebook or follow @nytimesworld on Twitter.
Q. What are the challenges for and attitudes toward divorced women there? Are remarriages as common as they are in the West? (Somayeh, my spouse and I are rooting for you!) – Armando Yanez; Mexico
A. Dear Armando, thank you for your support.
Depending on which city one lives and in the family one has grown up, reactions and attitudes toward divorce might be different. The more religious and conservative families are, the more difficult it may be for them to accept and embrace their divorced women. Even when members of one’s immediate family are accepting, the tough part would be how to explain it to other people and other relatives.
Getting divorced still means, implicitly, a failure in managing a shared life, or at least a symbol of one’s unluckiness in life. Other people’s judgment is always one of the important concerns of families. I should add that, compared to 10 years ago, the divorce rate has dramatically increased and this growing number of divorced people has contributed to more social acceptance.
Remarriages are common. Actually, in many of the small cities here, divorced women are encouraged to find a new marriage opportunity, so as not to seem a doomed, lonely single woman in their community. But those who have separated usually prefer to spend some years by themselves, to see what they want from their life. These observations are based on what I have seen around me.
Here, divorced women may hear that they should not expect a good marriage opportunity. For example, it is still not very accepteded if a man who has never been married proposes marriage to a divorced woman.
Q. Now that you are divorced, are you allowed to date other men? Do you ever plan to get married in the future? – Stanley D’Souza; Phoenix.
A. Dear Stanley, dating after marriage is acceptable, and in big cities it is totally normal. But in smaller cities, divorced women might be judged toughly if they want to date men.
Difficulties in dating are not just for divorced women. Even unmarried single girls must be very careful when they want to date. Dating has yet to be accepted as an honorable way of finding a spouse for many religious, conservative families. The idea is that going out on dates with a guy socially degrades a girl — it makes her seem needy. It is why a girl must wait for an arranged suitor to come to her parents’ house and ask her to marry him.
Now, given the inappropriateness of dating in general, it’s easier to understand why divorced women might face more problems dating in these places. The social judgment of a divorced women is: “Poor her, she is a desperate divorced woman looking for a husband.” But, in open families, which are usually found more in big cities, dating can be viewed as freedom, power and independence that a divorced woman has to try to make herself a new life.
Q. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why? – Jenny Smith; San Francisco
A. New York would be a first choice. I’ve been taking my recent passion for journalism more seriously, and for a while now I have been thinking about and planning to go to Columbia University to get an M.A. in journalism if I can hopefully get a scholarship. I think I would like to live in New York for a while after graduation. I would like my personal background and the professional topics that I would learn at university to inform my journalism.
Q. Do you think Iran is changing for the better or worse for women? How do you think women could join together to demand their rights? Would women take their freedom/equality into their own hands to force changes? I wish you the best, you seem wonderful. – Amy Keller-Bills; Salt Lake City
A. I think Iran is changing for the better for women. Looking at the younger daughters of my relatives and friends, I can see a huge difference between the war-oriented, ideological-based mindset of our childhood and theirs. Young women who are in their 20s and born in the 1990s are basically in touch with the international news and main trends in different social and entertainment fields, and enjoy a wide range of information and relatively more freedom than we did. We were daughters of war times between Iran and Iraq and they were born in a post-war period with more peace of mind. These are the reasons that I think these girls will not let ideas be imposed into their minds.
They will moderate the laws that we suffered under and exposed by investing our lives fighting against them. We, I dare say, paved the way for the next generation of women, with their better-equipped minds, to drive their freedoms. We, during almost a decade of our childhoods, were told to observe the social rules and do what the society expected us to do. They, the younger generation, are being raised with the basic rights of society. It is why I guess women will have a better future in Iran.
Last, but not least, one should not forget about the importance of the Islamic Revolution in gaining the trust of the religious and conservative families to let their daughters go to school. For example, in my small, hometown city, Dowlatabad, many of the religious people trusted the girls school after the Islamic Revolution, and let their daughters attend classes. Before that, in the Shah’s time, few religious people in the small towns and villages of Iran would let their daughters go to school, if there was a school for girls in the village at all.
We were sent to school, and, some years later, we filled more than half of the universities. We, educated middle-class women, started to know more about our rights and decided to fight to change our living conditions, pursuing our rights.
I think that nothing can improve the society regarding women’s rights more than educating women as much as possible and letting them get familiar with their rights. It is the best way to start a gradual reform and improve their lives.
Q. What’s your view about Islam as an Iranian woman? – Safdar Shah; United Kingdom
A. I am not very good in this topic. And how can I speak about Iranian women’s perspectives when I know that not all Iranian women are the same? I do not consider myself as a representative of Iranian women. I can be a representative of a group of the educated, middle-class urban women.
The most important ways in which my life was affected by Islam can be summarized in two ways. First, it was very unlikely that I would have been able to go to school if our schools in Dowlatabad, my traditional and religious village, were not Islamic. So, this way, I owe a lot to this religion because it convinced my father that he could send his daughter to a school with no worries. The second important example is a negative one about the long process of getting a divorce. As a Muslim woman, I could not apply for a divorce at a court. So I had to wait for seven years to convince my husband to divorce me, and make him believe that I could not have any future with him and that it would be to both our benefit for us to get divorced.
Q. Your mindset seems to have changed significantly from those of your family and town. Did you have a role model that influenced you? Do you have friends or family that have changed like you and can understand/support you? I connected to your spirit, it seemed like you were me. – Amy Ammar; Cleveland
A. Yes, I did. I had some role models. The huge gap between what I was taught in my childhood and how I see my world now could not be filled in one big step. I have taken many small steps, and even turned myself around at several points to find my way to where I stand now. And I am not even sure how long this point will last.
During my first years of high school, I had a great English teacher, Mrs. Rezaei. She was good in English and good in religion. She used to answer my questions at the time, like how Islam explains God’s justice when we have lots of people with disabilities, or what was God’s main goal in creating the world, or how can God ask all people obey him equally when he has not granted them the same lot in life.
She used to bring me many books. I started to learn how to think critically. After high school, I went to university and started to know many wonderful people who were not necessarily religious and who did not wear a hijab when a strange man was around. Before that, in my small conservative town, I had not encountered such people. Being more involved in the greater society, I started to know more and more about myself. Then, I got married and I moved to Tehran. I found new friends from whom I have learned a lot. They are now my second family, the ones that I have chosen.
Q. How/when do you see opportunities for women with your character traits improving in the Middle East? – Elaine Winters; Portland, Ore.
A. There is still a long way to go. We need to educate our women and let them know and believe that they are no different from men.
Talking about when, it is a very difficult question in the Middle East because, I think, whatever we do in constructing our society can be easily toppled and forgotten by a sudden war coming out of nowhere. I am not optimistic I will see a speedy better future in the region.
Date of birth: July 6, 1982Date of birth: July 6, 1982
Hometown: Dowlatabad, Iran, north of IsfahanHometown: Dowlatabad, Iran, north of Isfahan
Education: M.A. in English literature from Islamic Azad University, central Tehran branch, 2013.Education: M.A. in English literature from Islamic Azad University, central Tehran branch, 2013.
Employment: High school English teacher at state schools for 13 years; worked as translator for The Washington Post; works as translator and assistant to the Tehran bureau chief of The New York Times.Employment: High school English teacher at state schools for 13 years; worked as translator for The Washington Post; works as translator and assistant to the Tehran bureau chief of The New York Times.
Life experiences: I got married at the age of 20, when I had just started to work as a teacher in a suburb in Isfahan. I moved to Tehran in 2003 to live with my husband. After we lived together for two years, I spent the next seven or eight years trying to fix my marriage and then get a divorce. I was officially divorced about two years ago.Life experiences: I got married at the age of 20, when I had just started to work as a teacher in a suburb in Isfahan. I moved to Tehran in 2003 to live with my husband. After we lived together for two years, I spent the next seven or eight years trying to fix my marriage and then get a divorce. I was officially divorced about two years ago.
How do you describe yourself? I am an adventurous person trapped in an atmosphere that hardly appreciates such a personality trait. I would like to know better the world in which I live and I want to be useful and helpful to other people.How do you describe yourself? I am an adventurous person trapped in an atmosphere that hardly appreciates such a personality trait. I would like to know better the world in which I live and I want to be useful and helpful to other people.
Are you active on the Internet? I basically use the Internet for my work, which requires reading news websites daily. However, I use Facebook to be connected to my friends and interesting people whom I may not know in person.Are you active on the Internet? I basically use the Internet for my work, which requires reading news websites daily. However, I use Facebook to be connected to my friends and interesting people whom I may not know in person.
What do you hope for the future? I would like to become a successful journalist.What do you hope for the future? I would like to become a successful journalist.
What are your hobbies? I enjoy going out with friends and watching movies and, of course, reading books when I can find some free time.What are your hobbies? I enjoy going out with friends and watching movies and, of course, reading books when I can find some free time.
Have you traveled outside of Iran? Where? What did you think? Once. I went to Syria when it was peaceful. It was a fabulous place with great people. I really feel sorry for what is happening there now.Have you traveled outside of Iran? Where? What did you think? Once. I went to Syria when it was peaceful. It was a fabulous place with great people. I really feel sorry for what is happening there now.
What is your most important memory? It was the moment I could officially get a divorce.What is your most important memory? It was the moment I could officially get a divorce.
It was about seven years of hardship before I heard someone call my name in the official registration office where my husband and I were sitting. The officer asked me to sign something certifying that I would get my divorce in return for giving up all my marriage rights, like the Islamic right for a woman to receive a mehrieh or marriage payment. I flew, I didn’t walk, from my seat to the desk where the paper granting me my freedom was waiting for the final signatures. I still clearly remember how that heavy burden I carried all those years on my shoulders was left on the ground when I stood up from the chair to go to the desk.It was about seven years of hardship before I heard someone call my name in the official registration office where my husband and I were sitting. The officer asked me to sign something certifying that I would get my divorce in return for giving up all my marriage rights, like the Islamic right for a woman to receive a mehrieh or marriage payment. I flew, I didn’t walk, from my seat to the desk where the paper granting me my freedom was waiting for the final signatures. I still clearly remember how that heavy burden I carried all those years on my shoulders was left on the ground when I stood up from the chair to go to the desk.
What do you love most? My personal slogan is that I need something to learn, something to laugh and something to help others with.What do you love most? My personal slogan is that I need something to learn, something to laugh and something to help others with.
What is your favorite meal? I love gheymeh with rice — an Iranian stew of minced meat, tomatoes, peas and onions.What is your favorite meal? I love gheymeh with rice — an Iranian stew of minced meat, tomatoes, peas and onions.
How do you see the future? I am not very optimistic about the near future. It would take many years for this country to improve in different areas for many reasons. But, I am thinking of emigrating to another country.How do you see the future? I am not very optimistic about the near future. It would take many years for this country to improve in different areas for many reasons. But, I am thinking of emigrating to another country.