I’m tempted to remarry my ex-husband…
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Version 0 of 1. The dilemma I am 70 and have been divorced for 14 years. A few days ago I spent a lot of time sorting out all the things I’ve kept by me over the years since the break-up of our marriage (photos, family memorabilia, our children’s drawings etc). It has been very painful, and looking back I realise what a mistake I made in going ahead with the divorce. I want to make amends, to put things right. Since our divorce neither my husband (as far as I know) nor I have been in a serious relationship with anyone and we still remain friends and see each other with our children at various gatherings. Would it be so very strange for me to ask the question:“Will you marry me again?” Or is this a sign of the early onset of dementia? Mariella replies My vote is for the former, but hold your horses! There’s nothing like a box of photos and mementos to send us scurrying down memory lane haunted by poignant flashbacks and psychological uncertainty. Partly it’s because the moments we record tend to be only the happy ones. You’ve already made what you now consider a rash move in pushing through a divorce. Halfway down the aisle would not be a good place to realise you were being equally foolish by reversing it. Nostalgia can be the enemy of good sense, but it can also remind us that our lives have been graced by great joy and good relationships. The trawl you describe through your history together is bound to have been an emotional one, so taking time out to digest the feelings it’s stirred up is probably a good idea. Nevertheless I’m not as surprised as many might be at your apparent change of heart. Midlife, the point at which you divorced, is a very difficult time, particularly for women as they negotiate hormonal turmoil, homes vacated by now-adult children, the realities of reduced currency in a youth-engrossed world, or simply the prospect of looking at the same familiar (and by then often grumpy) face, day in day out, forever. There’s a slightly irrepressible urge to throw out the babies, the bathwater and the partner in one swoop and see what fate has to offer to refill the vacuum – and the answer quite often is not as much as you might have hoped. That doesn’t mean that change isn’t at times absolutely necessary, or that we should be resigned to endure. There are always new possibilities on the horizon – they’re just not always as life enhancing as you might imagine. A good marriage isn’t necessarily one in which you wake up every day consumed by love and passion for the person lying next to you. We are one of very few mammals brave enough to mate for life. For an ambitious species marked out by our hunger for knowledge and thirst for invention, it can feel like a distinctly unbalanced diet devoting our lives to just one person. Dissatisfaction with the status quo rather than undying devotion seems to run through our veins, and at times we’re compelled by the lure of the unknown. Our “aspirations” can be our romantic undoing and at times the enemy of contentment and a good life. Dipping deep into a well brimful with memories as you’ve done and feeling you’ve emerged empty-handed is perfectly normal. Unless you’ve entirely forgotten how dreadful your marriage was, it doesn’t sound like dementia to me. Instead it confirms my belief that for many of us change isn’t always “as good as a rest” – sometimes change is simply change and our lives are no better for it. Every relationship is at the mercy of unpredictable currents. We’ll live through bad times and good times, periods when we can’t bear to be in a room with our partners, and other points when we can’t be without them. In the end the gamble we make sticking together is based on the premise that there’ll be enough dividends along the way to make enduring the low points a winning investment. Rushing into remarriage is as dysfunctional as remaining in an unhappy one, but there’s no doubt that this may be a timely reminder of what truly matters in your life. So how about a little dating period, rediscovering what brought you together the first time or learning more about the people you’ve become? There’s no harm at all in putting your toe back into the water, and if it feels inviting, both feet can follow soon enough. If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1 Follow the Observer Magazine on Twitter @ObsMagazine |