If I were prime minister for a day, I’d let them eat chips
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Version 0 of 1. Government these days is all about looking busy, initiatives and all that. Ideally, I’d do what governments ought to do, which is nothing; leave well alone, get their noses out of your and my business. Now, some might argue with that, but it’s firmly based on the fact that everything governments get their noses into goes horribly wrong. What this country really needs is a prime minister to say, “don’t worry, we are going nowhere”. Time is of the essence of course, so I’d have to crack on. The first thing I’d do is cancel HS2. How much is it going to cost? How much has it cost already?! And all so that people can get to Birmingham quicker! Has anyone even asked a member of the public if they want to get to Birmingham quicker? Of course not. Another example of politicians being out of touch with the likes of you and me. The other thing I’d do is issue an edict simply saying, “You know what? Eat what you want, you’re all adults, go to hell your own way.” Let’s be honest, it’d be a break from the relentless anti-chips drumbeat we hear every day. Governments have fallen over less – what goes on my plate is my business and no one else’s. If you want the British people to rise up with righteous anger, and stick every parliamentarian’s head on a spike then banging on about how we shouldn’t eat chips is the surest way to do it. There are limits to government power, governments only govern by consent, and no one I know at any point consented to hearing chips being slagged off or taken off the menu. The British people are no friends to extremism, have never had a true appetite for revolution, but if you try to take our chips away it’ll be the peasants’ revolt + the Chartists x 1688 + the poll tax riots all in one go. And no one wants that. I’d take a leaf out of the coalition’s book and pass a law meaning that I wasn’t PM just for a day but for a solid five years. I might even stick my neck out and go for 10. One of the advantages of having an unwritten constitution of course is you can make up your own as you go along, so I’d indulge in a bit of that. And no one can complain because it’s not as though there’s an actual constitution you can quote from. It’s brilliant, it’s flexible. The Americans have always struck me as muppets when it comes to their constitution: Life Rule Number One – never sign anything, it’ll only come back to bite you on the arse, or worse than that, it’ll give lawyers work. And finally? I’d like to think that if there is going to be a third world war, then the UK needs to be ready. So I’d bring back national service, for everyone younger than me. • Let’s Re-Great Britain by Al Murray the Pub Landlord is published by Penguin |