Patently ridiculous: thong diapers, beer umbrellas and other strange US patents

http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2015/mar/31/us-patents-ridiculous-strange

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Unless you belong to the insular and wonkish world which is obsessed with patent law and intellectual property, an upcoming milestone might escape you: the US Patent Office is on the verge of issuing its nine-millionth patent.

The agency issued its most recent posted patent, US 8,990,961 B2, on 24 March.

Patent 9,000,000 Watch: As of today, latest issuing US patent is 8,990,961, issued to IBM for #MeasuringSystem. 9,000,000 issuing March 31.

The federal agency has a long and storied history. But it generally only makes news when its work comes under highly visible legal challenge – as was the case recently when a federal court ordered Apple pay $533m for infringing three patents with iTunes – or when something particularly strange is green-lit.

For a successful application, the invention must be fall under a patentable category and be “non-obvious”, useful and novel – criteria which have allowed for broad interpretations. Given that the Patent Office has been issuing patents since its founding in 1790, when President George Washington signed the inaugural patent for “the making of Pot ash and Pearl ash by a new Apparatus and Process”, a not insignificant number of inventions have slipped through.

A spokesman for the US Patent & Trademark Office declined to answer questions about the milestone.

So after the monumental task of narrowing it down to a select few, here are some of the most bizarre and improbable patents ever issued.

Thong diaper – US D539422 S1

This one is … pretty self-explanatory. It’s a thong that is also a nappy. The Brooklyn woman who filed for a patent in 2005 leaves the device’s possible uses to the imagination, claiming only that it is an “ornamental design for a thong diaper”. We’re still waiting to see this one on the shelves.

Anti-eating face mask – US 4344424 A

Possibly inspired by everyone’s favorite lover of fava beans and chianti, this apparatus involves strapping a “cup-shaped member” made of rigid wire over the mouth and chin, and locking it in place behind the head with leather straps. Yes, any conventional lock with a key will work! And all of this is intended to combat … obesity

The 1982 application also suggests the device could be used by chefs and restaurant staff who, because of their constant proximity to food, “will consume far more food than is proper” and by housewives with no self control who spend all day baking pastries and pies.

Beerbrella – US 6637447 B2

A twin feat of marketing and relaxation, this “novelty accessory” is described as a 5-7in umbrella that users can attach to beverages – even those which are not beer, so long as they are in bottles – in order to keep them cool. The plans said the umbrella would first be made with plastic, with the possibility of adding a more high-end cloth model down the line.

Although keenly attuned to use in sunny settings, the two male inventors also extolled the Beerbrella’s ability to “prevent rain or other precipitation from contaminating a beverage”.

Soup bowl attraction – US 6168531 B1

This one is a bit of a head-scratcher, but is loosely based on the idea of breaking up the monotony of kids playing video games with an “interactive entertainment attraction”.

Multiple fog machines, light projectors, speakers (preferable but not required) and an “ultrasonic unit” are included, making for what could be the most confused conceptualizing of a bowl of soup ever. The rules of the game or attraction or whatever it is that Sony Entertainment invented remain unclear, but the patent was approved in 2001. However, the fee status is now listed as “lapsed”.

Method of exercising a cat – US 5443036 A

Also known as taken advantage of your cat’s instinctive desire to chase after a laser point. This is apparently a totally viable form of aerobic exercise for your feline friend, whom the applicant notes would lead a very sedentary life it not for this detailed workout plan. But if you own both a laser pointer and a cat, you already get the drill.