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| Ask Molly Ringwald: my best friend is dating my ex – I can’t forgive them | Ask Molly Ringwald: my best friend is dating my ex – I can’t forgive them |
| (about 3 hours later) | |
| I split up with my ex a year ago and quickly started dating. I met someone nice, but within weeks I discovered that my ex and my best friend had started a relationship. When I found out, I felt a rage I had never experienced. I want to forgive them but I can’t. I feel betrayed: it’s eating me up and affecting my current relationship. I know we can’t help how we feel for people, but I just wish they had looked elsewhere for comfort and love. | |
| Ouch. As much as it hurts, the worst you can say about your ex-boyfriend’s behaviour is that it lacked imagination and grace. Granted, I’ve always found it disconcerting how once our relationships end we go from being the most important person in our significant other’s life to strangers – often overnight – but pursuing self-interest is standard post-breakup protocol. There are rare instances when people establish a real friendship afterwards, but that requires a suitable cooling-off time first. And let’s face it: he doesn’t sound like stellar friend material anyway. | Ouch. As much as it hurts, the worst you can say about your ex-boyfriend’s behaviour is that it lacked imagination and grace. Granted, I’ve always found it disconcerting how once our relationships end we go from being the most important person in our significant other’s life to strangers – often overnight – but pursuing self-interest is standard post-breakup protocol. There are rare instances when people establish a real friendship afterwards, but that requires a suitable cooling-off time first. And let’s face it: he doesn’t sound like stellar friend material anyway. |
| The real betrayal is that of your best friend. Honesty and trust are the foundations of friendship and she has effectively trashed both. The chances of maintaining a friendship with her is unlikely, particularly if she is still dating your ex. | The real betrayal is that of your best friend. Honesty and trust are the foundations of friendship and she has effectively trashed both. The chances of maintaining a friendship with her is unlikely, particularly if she is still dating your ex. |
| However, the forgiveness part is work that you must tackle, for your benefit. People think of forgiveness as something that has to happen all at once, like a religious epiphany, and when they can’t feel it, they give up. It’s more helpful to see it as something to practise, like piano or yoga. The more you do it, the better you get and the stronger you become. | However, the forgiveness part is work that you must tackle, for your benefit. People think of forgiveness as something that has to happen all at once, like a religious epiphany, and when they can’t feel it, they give up. It’s more helpful to see it as something to practise, like piano or yoga. The more you do it, the better you get and the stronger you become. |
| I’m not suggesting you should have any kind of relationship with either one of them. Forgiving them isn’t contingent upon having them in your life. Try to take a few quiet moments from your day to reflect on the act of forgiveness, in all its forms. Think of people you would like to forgive (your ex and your friend), as well as those you might have hurt and who would like to forgive you. Maybe a girl you were unkind to in school, or someone you were dishonest with. Maybe you are the person you need to forgive. | I’m not suggesting you should have any kind of relationship with either one of them. Forgiving them isn’t contingent upon having them in your life. Try to take a few quiet moments from your day to reflect on the act of forgiveness, in all its forms. Think of people you would like to forgive (your ex and your friend), as well as those you might have hurt and who would like to forgive you. Maybe a girl you were unkind to in school, or someone you were dishonest with. Maybe you are the person you need to forgive. |
| Focus on forgiving only as much as you can. Even the tiniest amount makes a difference. Perhaps by summer it won’t just be your wardrobe that feels lighter. It will be your heart, too. | Focus on forgiving only as much as you can. Even the tiniest amount makes a difference. Perhaps by summer it won’t just be your wardrobe that feels lighter. It will be your heart, too. |
| • Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to askmolly@theguardian.com | • Send your dilemmas about love, family or life in general to askmolly@theguardian.com |
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