Only one winner in the leaders’ Q&A – it’s Paxman by a landslide

http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2015/mar/26/leaders-debate-paxman-miliband-cameron

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Chaos versus … chaos. With both parties having spent much of the past week staggering from one foreseeable disaster to the next, the first live TV leaders’ debate – technically more of a live Q&A with the possibility of a brush past near the toilets – was mostly an exercise in damage limitation. The winner would be the leader whom the voters disliked the least.

The Tories were determined to lower expectations by sending one of their B-list cabinet ministers as an advance party. The environment minister, Liz Truss, is a politician guaranteed to drain the excitement out of any gathering and she duly obliged by saying nothing memorable in the early spinning.

A safe pair of hands: not something that could be said of many cabinet ministers right now. After the self-inflicted Bercow shambles in the morning, Michael Gove had been found an alternative occupation: William Hague had been held back until he had calmed down a bit. No point in risking him doing a Clarkson on his leader for ruining his last day in parliament until after the last ad break.

Anything the Tories can do … Labour’s cunning plan had been to organise their own studio with a large sign that said “Labour” in the background. The effect was to make the shadow foreign secretary, Douglas Alexander, look like a Mini-Me in comparison to everyone else. He, too, squeaked something anodyne.

A toss of the coin gave Ed Miliband the chance to face Jeremy Paxman second. Calling heads might just have been the best decision he has made in years. “Food banks have increased from 66 to 421 in the last five years,” said the former Newsnight presenter, sinking his teeth firmly into Cameron’s jugular. Dave’s eyes pleaded for help; it had just dawned on him that he had made a massive miscalculation by avoiding a head-to-head with the Labour leader. If Paxo was a closet Tory, he was keeping it well hidden. Ed would have been a walk in the park compared to this.

“It’s just that we’re a lot better at advertising food banks, Jeremy,” the prime minister sobbed. “Don’t Jeremy me,” Jeremy salivated, while giving his trademark thousand-yard death stare. God, he had missed this. So had we. This was Cameron’s high point. “Could you live on a zero-hours contract?” Paxman demanded. “That’s not the question,” Dave simpered. It was, though, and Paxman asked it again. And again. By the end, Dave couldn’t even remember his own name, let alone any of the key economic statistics. Did he know how much the country was borrowing? “No, but I’m sure you will tell me, Daddy,” Dave mumbled. “I don’t want to sound rude,” Paxo lied. “You’ve failed.” It was all Dave could do to stop himself from nodding.

There wasn’t much respite from the audience. After his mauling at the Age UK conference earlier in the week, the last thing Dave wanted was another stroppy pensioner. Sure enough …

No wonder Miliband looked so relaxed when it was his turn. Expectations were so much lower for him, some viewers were bound to have switched off. All he had to do was not fall over. Paxman didn’t make it easy, pummelling him again and again on immigration and borrowing under the last Labour government. “Now you’re asking yourself questions, Jeremy,” Ed bravely interrupted. Paxman didn’t appreciate such lese-majeste and cranked up his tetchiness. Ed fumbled around a bit but was basically happy just seeing out time. This was a contest in which he was more than happy to come second. Hell yeah! Paxo had won by a landslide.