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| March Madness: throwing up 'shocker' signs and finding your new spirit animal | March Madness: throwing up 'shocker' signs and finding your new spirit animal |
| (about 9 hours later) | |
| Let’s get this out of the way. No one cares about your bracket. Yes, some school you’d never heard of pulled off an improbable win, and now all your best-laid plans, the weeks you spent studying these teams, scouring FiveThirtyEight or KenPom for an unseen bit of data or overlooked metric, have been rent asunder. If it’s any consolation, President Obama feels your pain. | Let’s get this out of the way. No one cares about your bracket. Yes, some school you’d never heard of pulled off an improbable win, and now all your best-laid plans, the weeks you spent studying these teams, scouring FiveThirtyEight or KenPom for an unseen bit of data or overlooked metric, have been rent asunder. If it’s any consolation, President Obama feels your pain. |
| But just like the leader of the free world isn’t interrupting national security briefings to whinge about Villanova’s 9-for-28 clunker from behind the arc, hopefully you’ve gone through a suitable period of mourning, and are ready to dive deep into this weekend’s action. The thing is, now that you’ve given up hope of netting a massive financial windfall or at least the ability to lord it over your friends and/or coworkers, you’ll need to find another reason to tune in. | But just like the leader of the free world isn’t interrupting national security briefings to whinge about Villanova’s 9-for-28 clunker from behind the arc, hopefully you’ve gone through a suitable period of mourning, and are ready to dive deep into this weekend’s action. The thing is, now that you’ve given up hope of netting a massive financial windfall or at least the ability to lord it over your friends and/or coworkers, you’ll need to find another reason to tune in. |
| Luckily, there’s a deeper, purer form of appreciation lurking just over the horizon. Pick a team, grab some vaguely school color-ish garb, maybe even paint your face, and throw yourself headfirst into the giddy, wild-eyed fun of bandwagon fandom. According to Las Vegas, there’s a fifty-fifty shot that some glass slipper-ed squad will topple this year’s goliath, Kentucky. Choose wisely and you’ll be along for every improbable, glorious moment of a historic ride. | Luckily, there’s a deeper, purer form of appreciation lurking just over the horizon. Pick a team, grab some vaguely school color-ish garb, maybe even paint your face, and throw yourself headfirst into the giddy, wild-eyed fun of bandwagon fandom. According to Las Vegas, there’s a fifty-fifty shot that some glass slipper-ed squad will topple this year’s goliath, Kentucky. Choose wisely and you’ll be along for every improbable, glorious moment of a historic ride. |
| There are many, many factors that you could and should weigh when making this life altering decision. Is there a player or players that are just so darned cool? Does the coach prowling the sidelines seem as if he’s on the verge of a debilitating brain aneurism? Do you just dig the uniforms? Without further ado, here’s our deeply flawed, deeply biased guide to maximizing the joy of the 2015 Sweet Sixteen based on how fun each team is to root for. | There are many, many factors that you could and should weigh when making this life altering decision. Is there a player or players that are just so darned cool? Does the coach prowling the sidelines seem as if he’s on the verge of a debilitating brain aneurism? Do you just dig the uniforms? Without further ado, here’s our deeply flawed, deeply biased guide to maximizing the joy of the 2015 Sweet Sixteen based on how fun each team is to root for. |
| 16) Duke | 16) Duke |
| Nope. Nuh-uh. No way. No one actually signs up for two weeks of binge-watching Christian Laettner documentaries or willfully associates themselves with this smirking horde of uber-privileged frat/hedge fund bros and their tight-faced, painfully dour and self-important authoritarian despot, Mike Krzyzewski. Let’s face it, they’re probably chortling in the boardroom a few floors up in whatever cubicle you’re temporarily inhabiting right now. You can try to hump the thighs of power all you want, but honestly, Coach K and his charges don’t even want you around. They’d prefer it if you loathe them, thank you very much, while they alone enjoy a run built around Jahlil Okafor’s low-post dominance that’ll probably last longer than anyone can stomach. | Nope. Nuh-uh. No way. No one actually signs up for two weeks of binge-watching Christian Laettner documentaries or willfully associates themselves with this smirking horde of uber-privileged frat/hedge fund bros and their tight-faced, painfully dour and self-important authoritarian despot, Mike Krzyzewski. Let’s face it, they’re probably chortling in the boardroom a few floors up in whatever cubicle you’re temporarily inhabiting right now. You can try to hump the thighs of power all you want, but honestly, Coach K and his charges don’t even want you around. They’d prefer it if you loathe them, thank you very much, while they alone enjoy a run built around Jahlil Okafor’s low-post dominance that’ll probably last longer than anyone can stomach. |
| 15) UCLA | 15) UCLA |
| A plucky upstart, to be sure, but the botched goaltending call that allowed the Bruins to get past SMU was so profoundly wrong, such a blatant miscarriage of justice, that you’d assume that any and all supernatural forces and/or deities are currently huddling together in a smoke-filled back room somewhere planning an act of colossal karmic retribution. (Note: the universe rarely functions like this.) Then there’s the fact that they ditched their gorgeous, tradition-laden blue and gold uniforms, the ones that draw a clear line from Lew Alcindor to Tyus Edney, for Adidas’ awful cookie cutter/fanny pack design. Stay far, far away. | A plucky upstart, to be sure, but the botched goaltending call that allowed the Bruins to get past SMU was so profoundly wrong, such a blatant miscarriage of justice, that you’d assume that any and all supernatural forces and/or deities are currently huddling together in a smoke-filled back room somewhere planning an act of colossal karmic retribution. (Note: the universe rarely functions like this.) Then there’s the fact that they ditched their gorgeous, tradition-laden blue and gold uniforms, the ones that draw a clear line from Lew Alcindor to Tyus Edney, for Adidas’ awful cookie cutter/fanny pack design. Stay far, far away. |
| 14) Louisville | 14) Louisville |
| I do not like Louisville coach Rick Pitino. I strongly advise that you will be a happier, more well-adjusted human being if you can manage to remain Pitino-free. It’s not just that he’s fled pretty much every team he’s ever coached if there was even the whiff that there’s a nickel more to be made. It’s not the genuinely awful details of his affair. It’s that somehow, in the midst of all this, he’s fattened his wallet even further by selling himself as a Tony Robbins-esque lifestyle guru and motivational speaker. Yes, every big time college coach out there dashes off a book or two and gobbles up fees for appearing at the Chamber of Commerce or the Rotary Club but Pitino seems to actually believe his treacly, thudding bromides are sacred texts. In sum, I do not like Rick Pitino. | I do not like Louisville coach Rick Pitino. I strongly advise that you will be a happier, more well-adjusted human being if you can manage to remain Pitino-free. It’s not just that he’s fled pretty much every team he’s ever coached if there was even the whiff that there’s a nickel more to be made. It’s not the genuinely awful details of his affair. It’s that somehow, in the midst of all this, he’s fattened his wallet even further by selling himself as a Tony Robbins-esque lifestyle guru and motivational speaker. Yes, every big time college coach out there dashes off a book or two and gobbles up fees for appearing at the Chamber of Commerce or the Rotary Club but Pitino seems to actually believe his treacly, thudding bromides are sacred texts. In sum, I do not like Rick Pitino. |
| 13) NC State | 13) NC State |
| As a recovering Knicks fan, I tend to recoil at the sight of an isolation-heavy offense, so... Oh. Hi there, Wolfpack! Yes, we are talking about you. Cat Barber and the rest of his teammates are streaky as hell. When they’re on, it can be a beautiful thing; just ask Villanova. but you’ll have to weigh the risk/reward factor for yourself. If you’re just geeked at the thought of rooting for a dude named “Cat Barber,” go for it. It’s an outstanding name. | As a recovering Knicks fan, I tend to recoil at the sight of an isolation-heavy offense, so... Oh. Hi there, Wolfpack! Yes, we are talking about you. Cat Barber and the rest of his teammates are streaky as hell. When they’re on, it can be a beautiful thing; just ask Villanova. but you’ll have to weigh the risk/reward factor for yourself. If you’re just geeked at the thought of rooting for a dude named “Cat Barber,” go for it. It’s an outstanding name. |
| 12) North Carolina | 12) North Carolina |
| They’re coming together at precisely the right moment, and if Kennedy Meeks is healthy enough to suit up, they’ll have an outside chance of bumping off Wisconsin. Alas, the bluest of college ball bluebloods have been tarnished by the revelations that coach Roy Williams may or may not have turned a blind eye to the decade of sham classes that UNC “student-athletes” took. Given that you already need to engage in a certain amount of willful blindness to the NCAA’s awfulness to fully indulge in the rich buffet (pun definitely intended) that is March Madness, you may want to look elsewhere. | They’re coming together at precisely the right moment, and if Kennedy Meeks is healthy enough to suit up, they’ll have an outside chance of bumping off Wisconsin. Alas, the bluest of college ball bluebloods have been tarnished by the revelations that coach Roy Williams may or may not have turned a blind eye to the decade of sham classes that UNC “student-athletes” took. Given that you already need to engage in a certain amount of willful blindness to the NCAA’s awfulness to fully indulge in the rich buffet (pun definitely intended) that is March Madness, you may want to look elsewhere. |
| 11) Michigan State | 11) Michigan State |
| You’re not hallucinating. Tom Izzo once again has crafted a squad of relatively limited, but physically bruising and heady players, that’s ploughed through the first two rounds. If Mateen Cleaves, Draymond Green, Adreian Payne and current senior Travis Trice seem all bundled together like a Spartan Green, pass- and rebound-happy Hydra, I get that. In this case, familiarity can breed a little bit of contempt. However, if you’re a fan of a solidly constructed if not exactly aesthetically pleasing product, like admiring the curvature of the sturdy handle of the hammer that’s sitting in a kitchen drawer, always at the ready, this is the team for you. Speaking of defense... | You’re not hallucinating. Tom Izzo once again has crafted a squad of relatively limited, but physically bruising and heady players, that’s ploughed through the first two rounds. If Mateen Cleaves, Draymond Green, Adreian Payne and current senior Travis Trice seem all bundled together like a Spartan Green, pass- and rebound-happy Hydra, I get that. In this case, familiarity can breed a little bit of contempt. However, if you’re a fan of a solidly constructed if not exactly aesthetically pleasing product, like admiring the curvature of the sturdy handle of the hammer that’s sitting in a kitchen drawer, always at the ready, this is the team for you. Speaking of defense... |
| 8=) Arizona, Utah and Oklahoma | 8=) Arizona, Utah and Oklahoma |
| The dirty little secret is that despite all of the actual madness – the buzzer beaters, and genuine, heartwarming drama that this tournament inspires – offenses in the NCAA have ground to a halt. As Brian Phillips wrote in Grantland: “Scoring is down to just over 67 points per game, its lowest level since the early 1950s, after declining in 13 of the last 15 seasons.” There are certainly appealing things about each of these squads, to be sure, and you could easily lump Louisville in with this group as well (if you’re willing to be far kinder to Pitino than I am). | |
| Delon Wright is a dandy floor general and a potential Jakob Poeltl-Jahlil Okafor heavyweight bout could be hoot; the Wildcats will throw long-armed athletic defenders like Stanley Johnson and Rondae Hollis-Jefferson at an opponent till they’ve drained their very life force; and Buddy Hield, the Big 12 Player of the Year, can carry a team when he’s on. But if we’re all about the fun here, why would you want to encourage a plodding, soporific game plan based on “unsmiling coaches calling 374 timeouts in the course of a 40-minute game to stab a Sharpie into a clipboard and yell about trapping on ball screens?” Sure, if your final argument to any and all sports debate is grunting, “defense wins championships” well OK then. Go ‘Cats, Utes and/or Sooners. | |
| 7) Xavier | 7) Xavier |
| Here’s a cuddly mid-major worth a mid-sized emotional investment, especially if you’re inclined to feel serious pangs of nostalgic longing for now-pretty much-defunct Big East. Back in the day, the conference was rife with bigs like Matt Stainbrook an ursine, borderline-cuddly brute who, when he’s not moonlighting with Uber, parks himself in the paint and uses his surprising passing savvy to rack up a healthy 2.4 assists per game. “Jumping Bouncers have since been hunted nearly to extinction by the gangly, 6ft 9in do-everything frontcourt players,” David Roth wrote at VICE Sports. “This is sad for fans that enjoy their bigs hairy-shouldered and be-goggled, but it makes it that much more exciting when humble beeflords like Stainbrook emerge, park their girth in the lane, and do what they do.” | Here’s a cuddly mid-major worth a mid-sized emotional investment, especially if you’re inclined to feel serious pangs of nostalgic longing for now-pretty much-defunct Big East. Back in the day, the conference was rife with bigs like Matt Stainbrook an ursine, borderline-cuddly brute who, when he’s not moonlighting with Uber, parks himself in the paint and uses his surprising passing savvy to rack up a healthy 2.4 assists per game. “Jumping Bouncers have since been hunted nearly to extinction by the gangly, 6ft 9in do-everything frontcourt players,” David Roth wrote at VICE Sports. “This is sad for fans that enjoy their bigs hairy-shouldered and be-goggled, but it makes it that much more exciting when humble beeflords like Stainbrook emerge, park their girth in the lane, and do what they do.” |
| 6) Gonzaga | 6) Gonzaga |
| Poor Gonzaga. So much talent so many crushing disappointments, including failing to reach the Sweet 16 in each of the last five years. They’ve got as much pure talent as any lineup this side of the Bluegrass State, but despite being heavy favorites, the matchup against UCLA means we’re going to be treated to Adam Morrison’s halting, truly upsetting crying jag on an endless loop if the game is even reasonably close. Proceed with caution. | Poor Gonzaga. So much talent so many crushing disappointments, including failing to reach the Sweet 16 in each of the last five years. They’ve got as much pure talent as any lineup this side of the Bluegrass State, but despite being heavy favorites, the matchup against UCLA means we’re going to be treated to Adam Morrison’s halting, truly upsetting crying jag on an endless loop if the game is even reasonably close. Proceed with caution. |
| 5) West Virginia | 5) West Virginia |
| The Mountaineers are probably going to get beaten like a gong by Kentucky, but if you’re in the market for a coach willing to shoot holes in all the NCAA’s pompous, blinkered nonsense, Bob Huggins is your man. To wit, on Friday, after having to wait until 11pm to tip off, he decided to tell the assembled media that the organizing body of college athletics is, “not good. It’s not good for anybody, I don’t think. Not good for the players. Not good for the fans. I’ll probably get in trouble for saying that.” And you can practically hear the air quotes when he drily quipped, “It just tickles me to death that we’re doing this for the student-athletes. It’s all for the betterment of the student-athlete.” If that’s not enough, Huggins dresses like that uncle of yours who is usually hammered before the appetizers come out on Thanksgiving. Why? Because he’s “not a banker”. | The Mountaineers are probably going to get beaten like a gong by Kentucky, but if you’re in the market for a coach willing to shoot holes in all the NCAA’s pompous, blinkered nonsense, Bob Huggins is your man. To wit, on Friday, after having to wait until 11pm to tip off, he decided to tell the assembled media that the organizing body of college athletics is, “not good. It’s not good for anybody, I don’t think. Not good for the players. Not good for the fans. I’ll probably get in trouble for saying that.” And you can practically hear the air quotes when he drily quipped, “It just tickles me to death that we’re doing this for the student-athletes. It’s all for the betterment of the student-athlete.” If that’s not enough, Huggins dresses like that uncle of yours who is usually hammered before the appetizers come out on Thanksgiving. Why? Because he’s “not a banker”. |
| 4) Kentucky | 4) Kentucky |
| Aligning with Coach John Calipari’s latest batch of one-and-done future pros is certainly the path of least resistance here, but is it is downright thrilling when Willie Cauley-Stein, Karl-Anthony Towns and their seemingly endless parade of bigs obliterate any poor soul who has the temerity to try to take the ball to the tin. They’re the first team in NCAA history to run up a 36-0 record, and there’s definitely an appeal to riding sidecar to greatness, even if it does feel just a tad unseemly, like a septuagenarian getting way too friendly with the Wildcats’ comely superfan. | Aligning with Coach John Calipari’s latest batch of one-and-done future pros is certainly the path of least resistance here, but is it is downright thrilling when Willie Cauley-Stein, Karl-Anthony Towns and their seemingly endless parade of bigs obliterate any poor soul who has the temerity to try to take the ball to the tin. They’re the first team in NCAA history to run up a 36-0 record, and there’s definitely an appeal to riding sidecar to greatness, even if it does feel just a tad unseemly, like a septuagenarian getting way too friendly with the Wildcats’ comely superfan. |
| 3) Notre Dame | 3) Notre Dame |
| For starters, they’ve got one of the top offenses in the nation, and given that a great deal of the early action, while certainly exciting, has consisted of sub-60 point, grind-it-out affairs (see above), it’s easy to be drawn to Mike Brey’s spread-the-floor attack. Furthermore, any team that inspires Charles Pierce to invoke The Friends of Eddie Coyle is worth sidling up to in a back booth of a smoky dive bar and seeing if it’s a good shit or if it’s kinda shiesty. “If George V Higgins had written himself a basketball novel, its hero would be Pat Connaughton of Notre Dame and Arlington in Massachusetts,” Pierce wrote at Grantland. “He has the determined slant to his jaw and the questing look about him of one of Higgins’s Boston G-men, or an incorruptible prosecutor who speaks the language of low-rent criminals in order to bring them down.” | For starters, they’ve got one of the top offenses in the nation, and given that a great deal of the early action, while certainly exciting, has consisted of sub-60 point, grind-it-out affairs (see above), it’s easy to be drawn to Mike Brey’s spread-the-floor attack. Furthermore, any team that inspires Charles Pierce to invoke The Friends of Eddie Coyle is worth sidling up to in a back booth of a smoky dive bar and seeing if it’s a good shit or if it’s kinda shiesty. “If George V Higgins had written himself a basketball novel, its hero would be Pat Connaughton of Notre Dame and Arlington in Massachusetts,” Pierce wrote at Grantland. “He has the determined slant to his jaw and the questing look about him of one of Higgins’s Boston G-men, or an incorruptible prosecutor who speaks the language of low-rent criminals in order to bring them down.” |
| 2) Wichita State | 2) Wichita State |
| I could try to sell you on the dynamic point guard, Fred VanVleet, or the fact that “Shockers” is the outstanding team nickname in the tournament. You might even be swayed by the little-brother-finally-besting-big-bro upset of their in-state rival, Kansas. But if we’re being honest, they’re ranked second because the Fonz has jumped on the Wichita State bandwagon with both feet. No, really. | I could try to sell you on the dynamic point guard, Fred VanVleet, or the fact that “Shockers” is the outstanding team nickname in the tournament. You might even be swayed by the little-brother-finally-besting-big-bro upset of their in-state rival, Kansas. But if we’re being honest, they’re ranked second because the Fonz has jumped on the Wichita State bandwagon with both feet. No, really. |
| Sweet 16 has NEVER been sweeter. #PLAYANGRY @hwinkler4real pic.twitter.com/5dJEPOEalr | Sweet 16 has NEVER been sweeter. #PLAYANGRY @hwinkler4real pic.twitter.com/5dJEPOEalr |
| You know what’s cool? Arthur Fonzarelli throwing up the “shocker” hand sign and rocking a snapback... that is cool. You want to be cool, don’t you, Cunningham? Correctamundo. | You know what’s cool? Arthur Fonzarelli throwing up the “shocker” hand sign and rocking a snapback... that is cool. You want to be cool, don’t you, Cunningham? Correctamundo. |
| 1) Wisconsin | 1) Wisconsin |
| Historically, Coach Bo Ryan’s teams have been known for an incredibly meticulous offense that, as Ricky O’Donnell wrote at SB Nation, “bleeds the shot clock, choosing to use every possession with the care of someone building a ship inside a bottle.” This year’s model may be Ryan’s masterwork, with a trio of versatile, multi-faceted frontcourt studs in Frank Kaminsky, Sam Dekker and Nigel Hayes. If nothing else, the Badgers are having a blast. Check out Kaminsky dancing like a on oversized Napoleon Dynamite, or the entire team growing so enraptured by the press stenographer that Hayes started spouting 50 cent words like cattywampus, onomatopoeia, zephyr and antidisestablishmentarianism just to break up the monotony of her job. That’s awesome. This is your new team. Now, go grab some dairy products from the American heartland and fashion them into a hat. Here is your spirit animal. | Historically, Coach Bo Ryan’s teams have been known for an incredibly meticulous offense that, as Ricky O’Donnell wrote at SB Nation, “bleeds the shot clock, choosing to use every possession with the care of someone building a ship inside a bottle.” This year’s model may be Ryan’s masterwork, with a trio of versatile, multi-faceted frontcourt studs in Frank Kaminsky, Sam Dekker and Nigel Hayes. If nothing else, the Badgers are having a blast. Check out Kaminsky dancing like a on oversized Napoleon Dynamite, or the entire team growing so enraptured by the press stenographer that Hayes started spouting 50 cent words like cattywampus, onomatopoeia, zephyr and antidisestablishmentarianism just to break up the monotony of her job. That’s awesome. This is your new team. Now, go grab some dairy products from the American heartland and fashion them into a hat. Here is your spirit animal. |