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Cameron gives a straight answer at last session of prime minister's questions Cameron gives a straight answer at last session of prime minister's questions
(about 7 hours later)
After four and a half years of trying, the playground finally made it inside the chamber for the last prime minister’s questions of the parliament. “Yea, Daddy,” cheered Nancy Cameron from the visitors’ galley, egged on by her mother. Her younger brother, Elwen, remained impassive. Bunking off school to witness what might be Daddy’s last stand held rather less excitement for him. Justine and the kids didn’t bother to turn up for Ed’s send off. Just as well.After four and a half years of trying, the playground finally made it inside the chamber for the last prime minister’s questions of the parliament. “Yea, Daddy,” cheered Nancy Cameron from the visitors’ galley, egged on by her mother. Her younger brother, Elwen, remained impassive. Bunking off school to witness what might be Daddy’s last stand held rather less excitement for him. Justine and the kids didn’t bother to turn up for Ed’s send off. Just as well.
It had all started quite promisingly for the leader of the opposition. “On Monday, the Prime Minister announced his retirement plans,” he chirped. Sam Cam smiled disloyally; Downing Street has always been a little too cramped for her. “He said that it was because he believed in giving straight answers to straight questions. After five years of Prime Minister’s questions, that was music to my ears. So here is a straight question: will he now rule out a rise in VAT?” It had all started quite promisingly for the leader of the opposition. “On Monday, the prime minister announced his retirement plans,” he chirped. Sam Cam smiled disloyally; Downing Street has always been a little too cramped for her. “He said that it was because he believed in giving straight answers to straight questions. After five years of prime minister’s questions, that was music to my ears. So here is a straight question: will he now rule out a rise in VAT?”
“Yes,” said Cameron. There were mutterings that the chancellor’s refusal to rule out a rise in VAT the previous day had been a cunning plan to wrong foot Miliband but it was just as like the prime minister was making up policy on the hoof. It wouldn’t be the first time. “Yes,” said Cameron. There were mutterings that the chancellor’s refusal to rule out a rise in VAT the previous day had been a cunning plan to wrong foot Ed Miliband but it was just as like the prime minister was making up policy on the hoof. It wouldn’t be the first time.
Ed began rifling through his papers looking desperately for a prepared response that he always knew wasn’t there. “This is a complete outrage,” he blustered. “When I ask the prime minister for a straight answer to a straight question the last thing I expect is for him to give one. How can the country ever trust him again?” Thinking on his feet was proving tricky; the Labour leader isn’t always the sharpest pencil at the despatch box.Ed began rifling through his papers looking desperately for a prepared response that he always knew wasn’t there. “This is a complete outrage,” he blustered. “When I ask the prime minister for a straight answer to a straight question the last thing I expect is for him to give one. How can the country ever trust him again?” Thinking on his feet was proving tricky; the Labour leader isn’t always the sharpest pencil at the despatch box.
“Go Daddy,” Nancy mouthed, as Daddy smelt blood. The quality of Cameron mercy is sometimes quite easily strained. “I have ruled out VAT,” said Daddy, keeping his fingers firmly crossed. “Will he rule out national insurance contributions? Yes or no?” Miliband was so dazed he didn’t even realise it wasn’t supposed to be him answering the questions. “Um, er, I’m not sure.”“Go Daddy,” Nancy mouthed, as Daddy smelt blood. The quality of Cameron mercy is sometimes quite easily strained. “I have ruled out VAT,” said Daddy, keeping his fingers firmly crossed. “Will he rule out national insurance contributions? Yes or no?” Miliband was so dazed he didn’t even realise it wasn’t supposed to be him answering the questions. “Um, er, I’m not sure.”
That wasn’t the end of Ed’s punishment. The choice of back bench speakers at PMQs is supposed to be an entirely random process but the Speaker isn’t above a little mischief of his own. Like everyone else, he had read the New Statesman interview in which Labour backbencher Simon Danczuk had called his leader an even posher and more out of touch knob than the prime minister; so sure enough, Danczuk was given his chance. He didn’t mention the interview, but then he didn’t need to. That wasn’t the end of Ed’s punishment. The choice of backbench speakers at PMQs is supposed to be an entirely random process but the Speaker isn’t above a little mischief of his own. Like everyone else, he had read the New Statesman interview in which Labour backbencher Simon Danczuk had called his leader an even posher and more out of touch knob than the prime minister; so sure enough, Danczuk was given his chance. He didn’t mention the interview, but then he didn’t need to.
“He has sent some very good dispatches from the front in terms of knocking on doors in Rochdale,” Cameron gratefully acknowledged, “and this is what he says...” Miliband suddenly remembered that he had something really important to say to Lucy Powell on his left. “La, la, la, la. I’m not listening Lucy, am I? You can tell I’m not listening, can’t you. I’m not bothered, you know...” Lucy thought about slipping some cyanide pills into Ed’s water before deciding she’d rather save them for herself. “There, there, Ed,” she consoled him, patting his knee. “It’s all over now.”“He has sent some very good dispatches from the front in terms of knocking on doors in Rochdale,” Cameron gratefully acknowledged, “and this is what he says...” Miliband suddenly remembered that he had something really important to say to Lucy Powell on his left. “La, la, la, la. I’m not listening Lucy, am I? You can tell I’m not listening, can’t you. I’m not bothered, you know...” Lucy thought about slipping some cyanide pills into Ed’s water before deciding she’d rather save them for herself. “There, there, Ed,” she consoled him, patting his knee. “It’s all over now.”
Nancy looked a little disappointed. Daddy’s friend Jeremy would surely have punched him by now. Why couldn’t Daddy? She could feel another hunger strike coming on. That would have to wait, though, as Daddy had a few more minor bits of unfinished business.Nancy looked a little disappointed. Daddy’s friend Jeremy would surely have punched him by now. Why couldn’t Daddy? She could feel another hunger strike coming on. That would have to wait, though, as Daddy had a few more minor bits of unfinished business.
“I pay tribute to the honourable gentleman, who is standing down at the election,” he said to Labour MP Michael Connarty.“I pay tribute to the honourable gentleman, who is standing down at the election,” he said to Labour MP Michael Connarty.
“I am not,” Connarty corrected him.“I am not,” Connarty corrected him.
“I am sorry. I want to defend my team, because they normally get these things right.”“I am sorry. I want to defend my team, because they normally get these things right.”
Go, Daddy. Blaming the staff is such an attractive look.Go, Daddy. Blaming the staff is such an attractive look.
Miliband raced for the exit to a few shouts of ‘Loser’ from the Tory benches. Nancy shook her head. That was going too far. She might think that but would never say it out loud. Still, on balance, PMQs had been an education. Of sorts.Miliband raced for the exit to a few shouts of ‘Loser’ from the Tory benches. Nancy shook her head. That was going too far. She might think that but would never say it out loud. Still, on balance, PMQs had been an education. Of sorts.