As one star was hoofed out of the Beeb, another’s arrival was announced

http://www.theguardian.com/football/2015/mar/25/the-fiver-dion-dublin-clarkson-bbc

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THE DUBE JOINS THE BEEB

On the day that Jeremy Clarkson was bundled out of his job for allegedly doing what the Fiver would like to do every minute of every hour of every single day to its colleagues, an intriguing email arrived. As one star was hoofed out of the Beeb and sent skittering down the street on his famously dreadful denims, another’s arrival was announced. The press release promised a “former Manchester United footballer” and an “England-capped” player had joined the TV schedules. So he sounds pretty good then, this Manchester United hero. This England star.

But hang on, it goes on to say that Dion Dublin has joined the Homes Under The Hammer team, chortling that Dublin has always loved “properties and their potential scoring successes”. So the man who failed to make enough Manchester United appearances to earn himself a 1992-93 Premier League winner’s medal by right is the very same doyen of the Theatre of Dreams who was being airdropped into the daytime schedules? This England hero – four caps, no goals – will be the man guiding pensioners and students alike through the perils of the housing auction game? Hmm. But, then again, in many ways it’s easy to see why they chose him. After all, the man invented The Dube – essentially a wooden box that Dublin is claiming is a genuine musical instrument. And anyone who has the chutzpah to go onstage with Ocean Colour Scene to “play” this box is clearly more than capable of convincing people that a dry-rot riddled two-bed semi in Bexhill-on-Sea is worth a punt.

This footballers doing normal TV thing brings about a wealth of possibilities. We might see a flustered ‘Arry Redknapp on Bargain Hunt repeatedly denying that he is a wheeler dealer to the various disbelieving car booters of Chelmsford. Each show could climax with a puce-faced ‘Arry screaming his catchphrase “I’m down to me bare bones here!” from the window of a passing Range Rover before saving the day with a nice piece of replica Victoriana which goes for a little bit more at auction than anyone predicted. Robbie Fowler could present Cash In The Attic, a series in which he goes round to a former Premier League star’s house and literally discovers bundles of cash in the attic, the player not certain quite how to spend his vast earnings and needing Robbie’s investment advice. Les Reed and Juande Ramos could combine for a manager’s edition of Pointless, Stephen Ireland could shine on Eggheads.

Or, indeed, Mario Balotelli could get the Top Gear gig. Like Clarkson, he has experience of driving around in ludicrous and outrageously expensive cars while throwing his money about, falling out with his co-workers, messing about with fireworks and setting fire to things. That and he’s not as good as he used to be. Perhaps the BBC do know what they’re doing after all.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“...” – Martin Skrtel responds to the news that his appeal against his FA charge for stamping on David de Gea had been rejected by Instagraming three dots and a picture of some clowns. Clowns, of course, are well known for wearing large floppy shoes that they struggle to control, which presumably was the point he was trying to make.

FIVER LETTERS

“Roger Perry [yesterday’s Fiver letters] appears to have a somewhat limited knowledge of the wine derived from the Chardonnay grape. You’d hardly describe a Chablis (made from, you guessed it, Chardonnay grapes) as sweet. Indeed the Guardian’s own wine correspondent suggests a white burgundy - or other cool climate Chardonnay - as one of the options to drink when eating turbot …” – Matt Emerson.

“Is Roger Perry out of his mind? A magnificent fish like turbot needs much more complexity than Sauvignon Blanc or Muscadet can provide. A good Chablis or other White Burgundy (both made from Chardonnay) would be perfect!” – Hamish McTavish.

“If Roger Perry really was a sommelier pedant he would know that Chardonnay is always dry, and never sweet – if you will, the Nigel Pearson of the wine cellar – and would go very well with the inauspiciously named turbot” – James Sey.

“To fart higher than your ass (not behind, ‘cul’ is much more vulgar than behind) is a French idiom used of people who are getting a little too big for their boots. The original is ‘péter plus haut que son cul’. A similar French expression I like is “il se sent plus pisser” (he doesn’t feel it when he pisses now), for someone who thinks they’ve become really important. Non-British managers and footballers often use literal translations of idioms from their native language because they don’t know the equivalent idiom in English. Sometimes we take a liking to these expressions and adopt them as our own, as with Mourinho’s “parking the bus”, but more often than not they cause confusion and/or merriment. Van Gaal and Cantona are regular contributors. If they use the expression in the original language and you run it through a translation program, nine times out of ten you will get a literal translation. The only sure way to get an idiomatic translation is to ask a fellow human being with real knowledge of the language” – Alasdair Thomson (language professional).

“Although I won’t be watching the forthcoming Wrestlemania I’m also loving the wrestling references in the Fiver. If Greg Dyke is Jake The Snake surely Richard Scudamore is The Million Dollar man Ted Dibiase? I’d like to think that those ‘20 stern-looking Premier League suits representing the interests of wealthy people’ will all be dressed in wrestling gear when Greg starts dishing out the DDTs. Trust me …” – Simon Withey.

• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Alasdair Thomson.

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