Riveting TV it wasn’t as the chancellors went almost head-to-head

http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2015/mar/23/riveting-tv-it-wasnt-ask-the-chancellors

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“The economy is the one issue on everyone’s mind,” said Sky’s Faisal Islam in his introduction to Ask the Chancellors. Though not on Sky. Halfway through George Osborne’s pre-cooked answer to a question on business rates, the TV channel cut to an advert for Senior’s Life Insurance.

“Poor old Charlie died a couple of years ago,” said a smirking silver fox. “But at least his death reminded me to get some life insurance. For just £4.93 per week you can get £2,000 of cover.” It’s just what Charlie would have wanted. If not George.

Anyone tempted by this insurance offer would have been well advised to read the small print. The only thing anyone was likely to die from in the immediate future was boredom and that was specifically excluded.

With the prime minister having sidestepped any meaningful TV election debate, the broadcasters have been left to scrabble around to fill the schedules. What amounted to live party political broadcasts from Facebook HQ, in which the only excitement was the possibility Osborne and Ed Balls could have been in the same lift at the same time had not the chancellor already left the building 30 minutes earlier, is the best political theatre that TV can now offer. It’s going to be a long six weeks for everyone.

“Congratulations on getting the economy back on track,” said the first questioner, Sue Wimpenny, chief executive of The Lady Builder, a company that actually built houses rather than ladies.

Osborne narrowed his eyes in an effort to show sincerity and deep emotion through smoulder. He has been watching too much Poldark. “Your business is the one we really want,” he said, trying to darken his high-pitched timbre with a hint of repressed carnal desire. “I am absolutely passionate about that.” Sue didn’t know where to look.

Keen to prevent the show turning into even more of a love-in than it was already doomed to be, Islam upped the ante by reminding the chancellor that the last Labour government had built 190,000 homes per year compared to the coalition’s 140,000.

The chancellor was momentarily outraged; no one had told him he might have to answer a difficult question. “As you very well know,” he shrilled, his voice reverting to its more familiar grating register. “The economy had fallen off a cliff.” 50,000 homes lost to coastal erosion.

“We now have a question on zero hours contracts from Sharnah, a member of Stand Up and Be Counted,” said Islam. Mistaking the organisation for an instruction, Osborne promptly stood up. “You come from the Midlands, don’t you?” he glowered. “There’s a new job being created there every 10 minutes ...” And, by implication, she had just lost out on three of them while he had been on air.

If the Sky audience panel was in any way representative of the country’s voting intentions, the Tories will win by a landslide. Even in front of a home crowd, Balls is not a natural performer; when he’s up against a mob that boos and laughs before he’s had a chance to defend Labour’s record, he’s in trouble. He did his best to stick to his script, but there’s only so much commitment a chap can give when almost no one is listening.

“We have time for just one more question,” Islam announced with some relief. “And it’s about farming.” Balls looked horrified. Wasn’t that something to do with cows and fields that happened outside towns? If so, it was not something he had ever given much thought to as no farmer had ever voted Labour. “I am keen on it,” he ad libbed. Apart from the bits he wasn’t. Where was that ad break when you needed it?