An unfortunate case of superhero syndrome

http://www.theguardian.com/football/2015/mar/23/steven-gerrard-timezone-stamp

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ONE FOR THE STAMP COLLECTION

Imagine if everything ran on Steven Gerrard Time. Everything would happen much faster and we would get so much done. The Fiver would hit its deadlines, maybe even write some funny jokes along the way, and then it would have time to find a cure for the common cold or, at the very least, buy a new pair of trousers for the first time since 1997. There would be no traffic. No one would stand in your way on the escalator at train stations. Larry David would be on the 375th series of Curb Your Enthusiasm by now, instead of keeping us waiting since the summer of 2011 for the ninth series. What a world that would be. You can get a taste of what it is like by simply injecting yourself with some sugar, making sure to hit those veins (recommended dosage: 10 table spoons of the stuff every 15 minutes).

Sadly that wouldn’t give you the full, genuine experience, as SGT currently only exists in the mind of a 34-year-old toddler with an unfortunate case of superhero syndrome and there can be the occasional complication. Take Steven “The Flash” Gerrard’s comedy cameo during Liverpool’s 2-1 defeat by Manchester United yesterday. With Liverpool trailing 1-0 and in dire need of a shot of energy, Brendan Rodgers naturally turned to the man who has performed so many rescue acts in the past, but how the ploy backfired. SGT went into overdrive, spilling over into our reality, with Anfield watching in stunned silence as Whirlwind Gerrard obliterated everything in its path during a mesmeric 38-second spell in which Liverpool’s captain managed to cram in 572 laps of the pitch, a shuddering tackle on Juan Mata, a Hollywood pass and a red-card stamp on Ander Herrera. Silly Stevie! Silly Stampy Stevie! What a way to bow out in your final match against United. What a way to dent Liverpool’s hopes of finishing in the top four.

Gerrard later appeared in front of the television cameras to apologise for his frankly hilarious part in a defeat that leaves Liverpool five points behind United with eight games to play, although he was speaking so quickly that the Fiver failed to catch him saying sorry to Herrera for standing on his leg. “It is big of someone when they do get sent off to come out and apologise,” Rodgers said, who may need some emergency dental work after gritting his teeth throughout his press conference. “He was man enough to come out and apologise.” The Fiver admires such magnificent selflessness, not that Gerrard has had time to absorb the praise. He’s been busy doing shuttle runs between Merseyside and Australia.

GONE IN 38 SECONDS

And here it is, in all its brick-by-brick glory.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

11.34am: “We know how much this club means to Shaun and Greg and we know how much hard work they had both put in during their time here. However, we have to make the decisions that we feel are in the best interests of the club and our perilous position in the table meant that we felt we needed to make a change” – Notts County chief suit, Aileen Trew, says the most negative thing any employed person can hear as she ushers Shaun Derry and Greg Abbott through the door marked Do One.

11.35am: “I have nothing but positive things to say about Shaun and Greg” – Notts County chief suit Aileen Trew’s attempt to cushion the crushing blow of said news just doesn’t quite sit right.

FIVER LETTERS

“May I be one of the first of 1,057 pedants to remind Mike Coxon that the Dyer/Bowyer bout was in 2005 and not the 1990s. At the risk of being accused of attempting to resurrect the dead – I was there in the posh seats at the invitation of my boss. We were given a little badge, then had turbot and Chardonnay before the game and more booze at half-time. I was within spitting distance of Mr Souness but didn’t. When the fight broke out I was impressed that the combatants had the good manners to kick-off right in front of the directors’ box. I was about to stand and give them the thumbs up, but the ref had already given them the red card. How times have changed” – Justin Johnson.

“Can I be the first of 1,057 mystifyingly well-adjusted fully grown men to suggest that Mike Coxon might be a bit optimistic thinking the Fiver will make football/wrestling crossover puns (Friday’s letters), given their lack of interest in an obvious play on Joe/Bret ‘the Hitman’ Hart (or any of his extended family). The Hitman’s catchphrase was to describe himself as ‘the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be’. Not sure how this applies to the Fiver, mind” – Ed Taylor.

“A 1934 friendly between Austria Vienna? A top, top manager suffering from artificial-hip airport BING! And the draw for the Big Vase quarter-finals? Surely the Fiver can get an anorak manufacturer in search of a younger, hipster market to throw them a few tailor-made prizes for your readers? You could even offer them the use of the ‘As worn by Weird Uncle Fiver’ slogan” – Justin Kavanagh.

• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Justin Johnson.

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BITS AND BOBS

Adam Lallana is out of England’s underwhelming Euro 2016 qualifying win over Lithuania with groin-gah!, while Daniel Sturridge is a doubt with hip-ouch and is more likely to be available for the meaningless friendly with Italy.

Chelsea doctors will prod Diego Costa’s injured hamstring to see if it is twangy enough to keep him out of Spain’s matches with Ukraine and Holland.

Fans of Real Madrid decided that, in the post-match funk following the loss to Barcelona, it was a good idea to give the car Gareth Bale and Jesé were travelling in a good bashing. Not that anyone really cares about Jesé though, because he didn’t cost the price of an island in the south Pacific.

The Blackpool chief suit, Karl Oyston, has been charged with misconduct following a text-message exchange with a supporter during which he called the fan a “massive retard”.

And the Queen’s Celtic have been fined £10,000 by Uefa wrist-slappers after players acted up and fans got busy with fireworks and flares in Big Vase against Inter last month.

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STILL WANT MORE?

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Sid Lowe spent his Sunday evening in Barcelona. But he wasn’t there to sample the turrons in Sirvent or the traditional Catalan cuisine in Nou Celler, he was there to watch El Clásico. Here are his thoughts on that and the rest of the weekend’s action in La Liga.

Paolo Bandini also spent Sunday night watching football on TV – and his eye was caught by former professional carbonara eater Felipe Anderson and his antics in the Lazio shirt.

Did you spend your Sunday night being ridiculed and bullied by your friends when you stuck up for Michael Carrick? Well take this article from Michael Cox and laugh in their faces and then flash your tail.

Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.

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WHERE HAVE ALL THE GARYS GONE?