My five point plan to save the Sloane Ranger

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/feb/19/five-point-plan-save-sloane-ranger

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News greets us that the Sloane Ranger is “headed for extinction” as London becomes “the first international city of the global super-rich.” That the Sloanes have – like everyone else – been pushed out of their habitual streets and watering holes should come as a cause for immense concern to social anthropologists, satirists and aspiring nightclub owners. Many readers who would bemoan the dwindling population of tribes in the Sarawak or the Amazon will doubtless cheer the demise of Sloanies, but this celebration is misplaced. While you decry the corporate homogenisation of London to the exclusion of historical groups, the soulless replacement of every honest kebaberie and greasy spoon with glass towers for foreign oligarchs, and suck air through your teeth at the price of a bowl of cereal in east London, spare one solitary thought for the Sloane Ranger. This majestic species once romped around Sloane Square, strutted the King’s Road, and reached a cultural zenith when crystallised in the human form of none other than Diana, Princess of Wales. The Sloane is undeniably part of our capital’s culture, but is set to become west London’s equivalent of the endangered leatherback sea turtle, many of whose shells, turned into fine ornaments, may well have ended up on the shelves of previous, more fortunate generations of Sloane Rangers.

How, then, can the endangered Sloane Ranger hope to survive in the modern world? Tasked by the editors, who are themselves presumably crypto-Sloanies feeling the economic heat, I have come up with a five point plan for the survival of this most quintessentially west London of subcultures:

1, Outsource

Like almost every other London industry and service provider, these shores have proved too pricey for many. One obvious solution is the outsourcing of Sloane tasks. Like the enterprising US software developer who outsourced his job to China, the down-at-heel Sloane could save themselves much time and money, simply by spreading their language across the world. Relocating the task of slipping “adorbs” and “yo” into every other sentence to the good people of China’s Guangdong province would protect and promulgate the Sloane language, while leaving Londoners free to communicate effectively. The Chinese population of Trinnys and Peregrines will be employed, and the legacy of the Sloane Ranger will live on.

2, Evolve

This is perhaps the least likely option open to the Sloane Ranger, since human evolution – biological or sociological – is painfully slow. Evolution for the Sloane is further hampered by the overwhelming trend in other areas of London for people to dress and act in a manner more appropriate to a pre-Sloane era. The Sloane’s better option is to cling on for dear life to the 1980s/90s thing and to wait for the moustachioed penny-farthing riders of east London to catch up, at which point the Sloane Ranger will benefit from the greater supply of Sloane accoutrements at lower prices.

3, Pick a different square

The problem with Sloane Square is that it is painfully expensive. There’s no getting around that. I humbly suggest as an alternative my local Bermondsey Square, in Southwark. Still eye-wateringly expensive, but it has not yet become as exclusive as Sloane Square. There is the added advantage that we have a terrifically bad local fox problem, and Sloanies in possession of a shotgun or pack of dogs (ie most of them) will find good sport in south London. Cheaper, with more to do, it would involve only a minor rebranding exercise which the Sloane Ranger ought to be able to manage, particularly since many of them seem to operate in Clapham and Battersea already.

4, Collapse the London housing market

The Sloane fighting for survival could always hold their nose and vote for Labour, vote for rent controls, price freezes, and an economic policy which would see investment flee the city of London. The Sloane could champion a mansion tax, a financial transaction tax, and a clampdown on all the people who are buying houses in west London. Bursting the property bubble might not be too popular with families left in negative equity, but it’s a great opportunity for the skint Sloane to buy back their grandfather’s townhouse.

5, Take it online

Nobody can tell who you really are through the filtered world of social media. The cheapest option for the aspirant Sloanie is to take selfies of themselves in pearls from their new residence in Seven Sisters. Between scripted reality TV shows, vlogging and the narcissism of the internet there are plenty of options open to those who would like to preserve the essential Sloane culture but lack the coin to do the job full time. Willing participants could set up some sort of Sloane zoo, charging tourists for the privilege of seeing people in wax jackets. Madame Tussauds seems to have made a business out of figures entirely built from wax, so there is no reason as to why this couldn’t work. Budding Sloanies could set up a Sloane Square in World of Warcraft, or build the King’s Road on Minecraft. On the internet nobody knows that you’re not a real Sloane.