With their abbreviated dialect - WLTM, GSOH, SWF - and cliched appeals, personal ads these days can appear anything but personal. But it doesn't have to be that way.
With their abbreviated dialect - WLTM, GSOH, SWF - and cliched appeals, personal ads these days can appear anything but personal. But it doesn't have to be that way.
It's always fun scanning through lonely hearts sections in newspapers and magazines. Whether we're looking for love, or just a little curious, or idling away the time on a train journey, there's something intriguing about small ads. They are windows into other people's lives and many make for compulsive reading.
It's always fun scanning through lonely hearts sections in newspapers and magazines. Whether we're looking for love, or just a little curious, or idling away the time on a train journey, there's something intriguing about small ads. They are windows into other people's lives and many make for compulsive reading.
The first newspaper personal ads started appearing in the 19th Century and many magazines have had thriving columns for decades. Today, lonely hearts are big business.
The first newspaper personal ads started appearing in the 19th Century and many magazines have had thriving columns for decades. Today, lonely hearts are big business.
Agencies that run small ads sections make fortunes by using premium rate phone lines and helping callers to formulate adverts. By asking a couple of choice questions an agency is able to create a brief statement about you that is then used to make your small ad. It's a good way of getting the job done, but is it effective?
Agencies that run small ads sections make fortunes by using premium rate phone lines and helping callers to formulate adverts. By asking a couple of choice questions an agency is able to create a brief statement about you that is then used to make your small ad. It's a good way of getting the job done, but is it effective?
Such ads invariably come across as a little formulaic and cold. And to the casual browser, they can be just a bit dull.
Such ads invariably come across as a little formulaic and cold. And to the casual browser, they can be just a bit dull.
Rose by name... David Rose says love doesn't have to be a WLTM-wordReaders of the London Review of Books (LRB) - the fortnightly British literary magazine - like to do such things differently.
Rose by name... David Rose says love doesn't have to be a WLTM-wordReaders of the London Review of Books (LRB) - the fortnightly British literary magazine - like to do such things differently.
LRB readers would sooner read the entire back catalogue of Jeffrey Archer novels than place an off-the-peg advert.
LRB readers would sooner read the entire back catalogue of Jeffrey Archer novels than place an off-the-peg advert.
"Safety first. Dignity second. Trousers last. Rubbish wok-cooked foods enthusiast and flammable materials-wearing loon (M) WLTM F to 45 with fire-blanket and no small amount of knowledge regarding the correct batter-frying procedures of tempura. Bicester. Box no. 2006."
"Safety first. Dignity second. Trousers last. Rubbish wok-cooked foods enthusiast and flammable materials-wearing loon (M) WLTM F to 45 with fire-blanket and no small amount of knowledge regarding the correct batter-frying procedures of tempura. Bicester. Box no. 2006."
Instead of the standard "blonde hair, blue-eyed, likes theatre" formula of other lonely hearts sections, LRB advertisers use their 30 words to create bizarre hiakus of longing.
Instead of the standard "blonde hair, blue-eyed, likes theatre" formula of other lonely hearts sections, LRB advertisers use their 30 words to create bizarre hiakus of longing.
What is more peculiar is that the ads sometimes work. Admittedly they don't have a huge success rate (a handful of marriages, a couple of children, at least one divorce), but, if nothing else, they are original.
What is more peculiar is that the ads sometimes work. Admittedly they don't have a huge success rate (a handful of marriages, a couple of children, at least one divorce), but, if nothing else, they are original.
It's hard, for example, to ignore the unexpected presence of the German Reichstag in this typically untypical advert:
It's hard, for example, to ignore the unexpected presence of the German Reichstag in this typically untypical advert:
"Woman, 38. WLTM man to 45 who doesn't name his genitals after German chancellors. You know who you are and, no, I don't want to meet either Bismarck, Bethmann Hollweg, or Prince Chlodwig zu Hohenlohe-Schillingsfürst, however admirable the independence he gave to secretaries of state may have been. Box no. 2102."
"Woman, 38. WLTM man to 45 who doesn't name his genitals after German chancellors. You know who you are and, no, I don't want to meet either Bismarck, Bethmann Hollweg, or Prince Chlodwig zu Hohenlohe-Schillingsfürst, however admirable the independence he gave to secretaries of state may have been. Box no. 2102."
A solo drinking session probably isn't the best time to tell the world you're ready for love If you're thinking of placing a small ad, you could do worse than to take a leaf out of the LRB readers' book.
A solo drinking session probably isn't the best time to tell the world you're ready for love If you're thinking of placing a small ad, you could do worse than to take a leaf out of the LRB readers' book.
Announcing to the world you're single and looking for love is not an easy thing to do and having fun is an important aspect of the dating game. Bear in mind, though, there are several important things you need to take into consideration.
Announcing to the world you're single and looking for love is not an easy thing to do and having fun is an important aspect of the dating game. Bear in mind, though, there are several important things you need to take into consideration.
Timing is always important. When is a good time to place your small ad? I often get e-mails time-stamped in the early hours of a Sunday morning. You can almost hear the glug of a wine bottle being emptied in the background.
Timing is always important. When is a good time to place your small ad? I often get e-mails time-stamped in the early hours of a Sunday morning. You can almost hear the glug of a wine bottle being emptied in the background.
In my experience, a solo drinking session probably isn't the best time to tell the world you're ready for love.
In my experience, a solo drinking session probably isn't the best time to tell the world you're ready for love.
When you are ready, don't rush into penning your ad. It's a certainty that whatever you think is great about yourself is less impressive to others:
When you are ready, don't rush into penning your ad. It's a certainty that whatever you think is great about yourself is less impressive to others:
"The only item you'll find in my fridge is soup. Forty litres of the stuff. Beat that. M, 46. Box no. 7524."
"The only item you'll find in my fridge is soup. Forty litres of the stuff. Beat that. M, 46. Box no. 7524."
Perversely, this ad got a whole raft of excellent responses but, as a rule, no-one is interested in a failed attempt to enter the Guinness book of records in 1978.
Perversely, this ad got a whole raft of excellent responses but, as a rule, no-one is interested in a failed attempt to enter the Guinness book of records in 1978.
Personal ads are an ever more popular way of finding a soul mateMany ask their friends to help. It'll do for starters; just be aware that friends make poor romantic partners and will like you for very different reasons than a prospective lover might.
Personal ads are an ever more popular way of finding a soul mateMany ask their friends to help. It'll do for starters; just be aware that friends make poor romantic partners and will like you for very different reasons than a prospective lover might.
But if you'd rather begin with the help of someone who knows you quite well, try getting them first to write a brief synopsis of your most appealing qualities.
But if you'd rather begin with the help of someone who knows you quite well, try getting them first to write a brief synopsis of your most appealing qualities.
Be careful of breaking the very few protocols of the personals' column. Rule one: don't mention money. In those first lonely hearts back in the 19th Century it wasn't uncommon for gentlemen to specify their annual income.
Be careful of breaking the very few protocols of the personals' column. Rule one: don't mention money. In those first lonely hearts back in the 19th Century it wasn't uncommon for gentlemen to specify their annual income.
In those days, the personals were market places for the upper-classes to advertise their business acumen and secure marriages into equally wealthy families. Mercifully, this is no longer the case.
In those days, the personals were market places for the upper-classes to advertise their business acumen and secure marriages into equally wealthy families. Mercifully, this is no longer the case.
Honesty is a good policy at all times, but when you only have 30 words to sell yourself, it's a good idea not waste valuable wordage reliving your divorce:
Honesty is a good policy at all times, but when you only have 30 words to sell yourself, it's a good idea not waste valuable wordage reliving your divorce:
"Save it - anything you've got to say can be said to my lawyer. But if you're not my ex-wife, why not write to box no. 5377. I enjoy vodka, canasta, evenings in, and cold, cold revenge."
"Save it - anything you've got to say can be said to my lawyer. But if you're not my ex-wife, why not write to box no. 5377. I enjoy vodka, canasta, evenings in, and cold, cold revenge."
My main piece of advice to all lonely hearts is to relax a little. Be prepared for the possibility of not getting any replies. Getting no replies or not getting the right sort or reply is no reflection on your qualities as a person nor is it the end of the world.
My main piece of advice to all lonely hearts is to relax a little. Be prepared for the possibility of not getting any replies. Getting no replies or not getting the right sort or reply is no reflection on your qualities as a person nor is it the end of the world.
Don't be scared to try again. Be positive, be concise, and be bold. Even the ads quoted here struck gold eventually.
Don't be scared to try again. Be positive, be concise, and be bold. Even the ads quoted here struck gold eventually.
David Rose is advertising director of the London Review of Books. The ads in this article are taken from They Call Me Naughty Lola, edited by David Rose (Profile, 2006).
David Rose is advertising director of the London Review of Books. The ads in this article are taken from They Call Me Naughty Lola, edited by David Rose (Profile, 2006).
Add your comments on this story, using the form below.
Add your comments on this story, using the form below.
This article might have been worthwhile ten years ago, but nowadays it's sadly out-of-date. Nowadays, personal ads are taking a second place to computer dating websites, where you can write as much as you like about yourself, add pictures, and even get computer matching to help you find what you're looking for. Newspaper dating is so twentieth century.Anon, London
My favourite LRB personal ad: "Misery, seeks company." Almost impossible to improve upon.Cat, London/UK
What do you get when you kiss a guy? You get enough germs to catch pneumonia. After you do, he'll never phone you. I will. Box 1745. (Seen in the Wokingham Times 1990ish)Sue, London, UK
I recognise a lot of what has been said in this column. When I was divorcing (whilst in the Army in the 90s) I tried the lonely hearts columns to meet ladies. It was a total failure. All the people I met were as bitter as me about getting divorced! Not a basis for starting a relationship. My nirvana was meeting a lady who explained to me how ladies like a man to be, and the perception of the lady - best advice I have had in my life!! As a result I met my current partner, applied the advice that had been suggested by the good lady, and we have been happily married for 13 years. Marvellous! I think that it does need to be emphasised that using lonely hearts is a sign of either being a predator, or being so low in self esteem that you are unable to socialise normally. The best advice I would recommend is to go out, be happy and smile. You will meet someone compatible in time. It is not a race to 'recommit' if something has gone bad within your life.Bernie McAndrew, Shrewsbury, UK
Surely the time for personals is gone now that speed dating is here? Most communication is not spoken (or written) but is facial expression, body language etc so speed dating must be the way to go - and you actually get to go out, rather than talk to an empty wine bottle.Roger, London
40, but could pass for 39 in the dark. On occasion a moderatly competant and unselfish lover. WLTM a wealthy woman with dodgy ticker. But in reality will settle for anyone with low expectations. NOSOH. Please give generously.Tony, London
I went Speed dating in August and found love.After speaking to the the loveley Michelle i decided I didn't really like her, but it was only in the pub afterwards that I got talking to her. I then lost her number and only managed to get her number from her friend who had given out her business card to all the blokes in the pub. My friend who I went with though has been a further two times without success!!Andrew , Manchester
