Experience: I was the victim of revenge porn

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/feb/06/experience-i-was-victim-of-revenge-porn

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I met David online just before Valentine’s Day last year. Friends had warned me of the dangers of internet dating, but I felt confident that I would be OK. After all, as I told them, I’m a good person and I’m online. David was charming and funny, and before long we were a couple. At first, the relationship was great. I loved and trusted him, and taking nude photographs and videos was an enjoyable part of our lovemaking. But David soon revealed another side of his personality – he was very insecure, narcissistic and had a violent temper. “Obey me like dog,” he would say. I am an intelligent woman in my 40s, but he was so charismatic that I put up with it. Psychological abuse became physical – I had to go to hospital after he beat me.

Our relationship was very turbulent and I broke up with him several times, only for him to guilt-trip me into taking him back; such was his power over me. Finally, after six months, I broke up with him for good when he tried to strangle me after I confronted him about being unfaithful. I took out a restraining order against him to prevent him coming anywhere near me again.

I was so relieved to be away from this abusive bully. But when I posted a message online to the woman he had cheated on me with, confronting her, David was furious. He wrote awful lies on a web page about me. I felt compelled to defend myself on my own site, to set the record straight. This made him apoplectic with rage. He said that unless I remove what I had written, he would post intimate photos and videos of me on the internet. I refused; he had silenced me during our relationship and I wasn’t going to let him do it to me any more. Instead, I went to the police. They were dismissive, saying there was nothing they could do. At that time, revenge porn, or posting sexual photos of ex-partners online, was not a crime in his state in the US but it was in mine.

The next morning my worst fears came true – David had created a web page to display photos of me, with my name and address. He had also written offensive comments about me, that I fantasised about rape and other lies. I felt terrified and that my life was in danger. As well as enabling all my friends and colleagues to see the page, he had also included my teenage sons’ names, and I felt they were in danger, too. I spoke to them about it and they were understandably uncomfortable. I couldn’t stop crying, and begged the police for help. Since David lived in another state, I kept being shuttled between the two police departments.

I was advised to Google my name – something I hadn’t done because I was too scared. It confirmed my fears – David had also uploaded a sexual video and photo of us on to two porn websites and it had been picked up by hundreds of other sites. Explicit images of me were all over the internet. I was devastated, overwhelmed with anger, fear and depression. The phrase “revenge porn” trivialises what felt to me like rape. My life was consumed with contacting websites, trying to get them to take down the video, which they would, but it soon popped up again elsewhere. David had covered his tracks by creating fake identities.

I became embroiled in a complicated legal case and finally, a month later, David was found guilty of breaking the peace order – this was the only crime they could accuse him of at the time (revenge porn became illegal in his state three days after he posted the images). He was given 18 months’ supervised probation and mandatory anger management classes. When I think back to the time we took those photos, I am not ashamed or embarrassed about expressing my sexuality, instead I am ashamed to live in a culture where sexual violence goes unpunished. I am also upset and angry that my right to privacy was stripped from me.

I am currently in talks with my state senator to get a new revenge porn bill passed that recognises the gravity of the crime and I am gradually recovering my sense of self, and my dignity, but it will take time.

• As told to Emily Cunningham. Names have been changed.

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