David Cameron embraces the Culture of Can – but can’t do his sums

http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2015/feb/02/david-cameron-school-funding-education-election

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A platoon of heavily-armed Ofsted inspectors stood guard as David Cameron abseiled into the sports hall of Kingsmead school in Enfield for his latest election sortie. This time the subject was education and the prime minister was taking no prisoners. “We are waging war on mediocrity,” he declared, his eyes glinting with menace. Or possibly too much nasal inhaler to keep his cold at bay. He didn’t sound at all well.

Labour’s threats to weaponise the NHS may have been “the most disgusting thing” Cameron had ever heard at last week’s PMQs – he’s led a very sheltered life – but he has no qualms about weaponising education. From now on there was going to be zero tolerance for failure. Any school that was less than outstanding would be hereafter deemed to be coasting or failing. The prime minister has yet to grasp the maths key stage 2 concept of averages.

Those who failed could expect to pay with their lives. Failing schools would be turned into academies; failing free schools would be turned into freer schools; failing academies would be turned into … Cameron hunted around for the right word before settling for “academies”. Failing education secretaries would be turned into Nicky Morgan (Michael Gove has now been almost entirely airbrushed out of Tory history). The current education secretary, who was sitting at the front, hanging on to the prime minister’s every word, looked a little anxious.

“I like to call it the Culture of Can,” she had said earlier, giving her familiar impression of a middle-aged, middle-class matron from the shires who is still at key stage 1 in “talking to little people”. Cameron was more interested in both Can’t and Cant. He was very careful with his vowels. “I’m like every parent in the land,” he announced. “I won’t settle for less.” Less than several mill in the bank, a private income and a child at one of the most highly selective state schools in the country.

Any talk of children not knowing their times tables or not reading the entire oeuvre of Jane Austen was just the “soft bigotry of low expectation”. From now on, only hard bigotry would do. To pay for getting all those absolute failures who left failing schools with Ds, Es and Us into apprenticeships that they probably wouldn’t be able to cope with because they were just too stupid to do anything but scrounge, it was right to reduce the benefits cap to £23,000. This announcement got the biggest cheer of the day.

Inevitably the questions focused on the prime minister’s own numeracy skills. “What’s 9 x 8?” he was asked. Morgan stared at her hands, panicking that she didn’t have enough fingers for the Culture of Can, but Cameron eased his way out of trouble. “I’ve learned only to do my tables in the privacy of my own home,” he said, rather gentler on his own possible failures than those of any eight-year-old.

That, though, was just the beginning of his numerical difficulties. When it was pointed out to him that maintaining the amount of cash spent per pupil at the same level for 10 years was actually a cut in real terms rather than the massive investment in the country’s future that he had suggested, he looked totally nonplussed. He looked at Morgan. She, however, was no help. “We’ve had to make some difficult choices,” he shrugged.

We certainly have. Gove, Morgan, Gove, Morgan …