As blank as a blank thing that has graduated in blank studies from the University of Blankshire
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Version 0 of 1. SLOW NEWS DAY Sometimes people come to the Fiver and ask for tips about doing good journalism. Don’t laugh – under no circumstances must you ever laugh when you’re reading the Fiver. And it happens. All the time. “Help me, Fiver,” they say, desperately trying to ignore the odd smell of mustard, tuna and stale Paco Rabanne that’s lingering in the air. “Fiver, please tell me how to be as good at journalism as you are. I’ll be forever grateful.” The answer is straightforward. Getting by is simple. If, say, you’ve been set the task of writing some satirical jokes about football, but it’s Wednesday afternoon and nothing is going on and your mind is as blank as a blank thing that has graduated with first-class honours in blank studies from the University of Blankshire and your bosses are burning a hole in the back of your head and you feel like you might cry, then you’ve got to improvise. For instance, look how you can use these very interesting quotes from Thibaut Courtois about the chances of Chelsea winning the quadruple as a clever way of filling up space. “It’s difficult to say if we could win all four but we are playing well,” Courtois yawned after last night’s spawny 1-1 draw with Liverpool in the first leg of Chelsea’s Milk Cup semi-final. “We have passed through all competitions. Now we are in the semi-final of the Capital One Cup, top of the league, there is an important game in the FA Cup on Saturday which we have to win and soon we will be playing PSG in the Champions League. It will be hard but we have the team that can win everything. It’s what we’re aiming for.” Quality. One paragraph out of the way and it’s dedicated to a footballer wanting to win some trophies. This is textbook stuff. Your bosses will be none the wiser. The idiots. It’s not as if they read this stuff anyway. In fact, the Fiver could probably write whatever it fancies and get away with it. For example, have you ever spent an afternoon wondering if it would be better to be kicked in the groin by Lee Cattermole once a day or tickled by Tony Pulis every 15 minutes? The Fiver has and it still can’t decide. Cattermole would kick like he really meant it. But Pulis would probably be quite put out at having to take time out of his day to pretend that he’s Mr Tickle every 15 minutes and would probably be quite tetchy, which is not what you want in a tickler. It’s a conundrum. By the way, there’s a big Milk Cup semi-final between Tottenham and Sheffield United tonight, but unfortunately we’ve run out of time and space. That’s journalism! LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT Join Paul Doyle NOW for Equatorial Guinea 1-1 Burkina Faso in the Africa Cup of Nations. And if you haven’t had enough of him by then, Paul will be back for Tottenham 3-1 Sheffield United at 7.45pm GMT. QUOTE OF THE DAY “No surprises it was pasta but it wasn’t bad. His new role might be club chef. It was well cooked and we all gave our opinions of it to him and everyone said they liked it” – Nasty Leeds manager Neil Redfearn offers a clue as to how Massimo Cellino may go about dodging his disqualification as the club’s owner after Cellino cooked the squad a meal before last night’s win against Bournemouth. QUOTE OF THE DAY TWO “It’s not the first time. It’s a bit unusual, perhaps, but it’s quite neutral. Among other parents to have chosen Liverpool names there was one couple who called their daughter Tia after ‘This is Anfield’” – Christian Moller, chair of Norway’s Liverpool fans’ group, desperately tries to justify the decision of two supporters to name their daughter YNWA after ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’. FIVER LETTERS “Iain Moody’s interview (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs) featured the quote ‘I think everyone has got something you can refer to in your own past to say: why did I do that?’ – can I be the first of 1,057 people to make a ham-fisted attempt at an analogy involving signing up to receive the Fiver?” – Ed Taylor. “I’m sure I’ll only be one of the 1,057 but I feel I have to point out that you sent yesterday’s Fiver, complete with an ‘Ivory Coast 2-0 Guinea in the Africa Cup of Nations’ score prediction, after Guinea had already taken a 1-0 lead. I really hope you hadn’t just been down the bookies ...” – Richard Cowley. • Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is: Richard Cowley, who wins a copy of Six Stickers: a journey to complete an old sticker album. We’ve got more to give away for the rest of the week, so keep trying. JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope. BITS AND BOBS Spanish football is continuing its swift progress in selling its soul to foreign investors after everyone’s favourite plucky underdog Atlético Madrid sold off 20% of the club to a Chinese conglomerate. Arsenal have confirmed the signing of teenage midfielder Krystian Bielik from Legia Warsaw five days after Big Website thought Arsenal had confirmed the signing of teenage midfielder Krystian Bielik from Legia Warsaw. Meanwhile Arsène Wenger could be snipping his way through several yards of red tape if the Gunners are to sign centre-half Gabriel Paulista from Villarreal. The FA is to give MPs access to “a secret file on Fifa members” which was compiled during the 2018 World Cup bid. And Samuel Eto’o is nearly a Sampdoria player, according to the Italian side. “Our agreement with Eto’o has almost been finalised,” chirped the club’s sporting director, Carlo Osti. “He wants to join Sampdoria, those are his intentions. He is currently negotiating with Everton to resolve his contract with them. Everton are looking for a replacement.” STILL WANT MORE? Raheem Sterling will get a much-needed shot in the arm with the return of his striking partner Daniel Sturridge from injury, writes Paul Wilson. Nick Miller gives us a guide to the strange world of footballers’ websites, including Andrey “On the contrary, I like bears” Arshavin and Moritz “bit of banter” Volz. With only a washed-up diplomat, a prince and David Ginola to challenge him, let’s all hail Sepp Blatter, the world’s best dictator, writes Marina Hyde. The fans may be being bussed in and the jamón ibérico may cost £60, but Nick Ames invites us to consider the fact that Equatorial Guinea has actually managed to put on a decent football spectacle at the Africa Cup of Nations. The other Baggio gets a bit of love on the Guardian Sport Network – does Dino Baggio deserve a place alongside his more heralded namesake? And Lionel Messi does what Lionel Messi does and Zlatan does what Zlatan does in the best goals of the week. SIGN UP TO THE FIVER Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up. ALL OUT OF IDEAS |