Football transfer rumours: Lazio set to sign Ravel Morrison?

http://www.theguardian.com/football/2015/jan/13/football-transfer-rumours-lazio-ravel-morrison

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Fashion icon LIONEL MESSI has put MANCHESTER UNITED on alert by saying he doesn’t know if he is going to be at BARCELONA next year. That’s right. MANCHESTER UNITED – basically the only club who could get it round Financial Fair Play rules, and don’t all those sponsorship deals look clever now – are mulling over whether LIONEL MESSI could be tempted away from BARCELONA in the summer.

Got it, SEO Gods? MANCHESTER UNITED want to sign LIONEL MESSI from BARCELONA. And just to make sure this article is going to get the hits it clearly deserves, here is a video of a FLUFFY KITTEN making a funny face and here is a mention of the world’s leading frog impressionist, NIGEL FARAGE.

And MANCHESTER UNITED aren’t finished there. Not content with signing LIONEL MESSI from BARCELONA, they are also batting their eyelids at Bayern Munich’s Thomas Müller and are ready to battle Arsenal for Southampton’s Morgan Schneiderlin. They probably don’t deserve the caps lock treatment, do they. There’s such a thing as overkill. Even the Mill knows that. Which is why it won’t mention MANCHESTER UNITED or LIONEL MESSI or BARCELONA again. That is the last time MANCHESTER UNITED or LIONEL MESSI or BARCELONA are getting a mention this morning.

Because there is so much to get through this morning. For instance, YAYA SANAG … oh, sorry, Yaya Sanogo’s decision to reject Hull City’s overtures and join Crystal Palace on loan from Arsenal instead. That is one tough blow for Hull to absorb.

And how about news that West Ham’s Ravel Morrison might be heading off to Lazio? West Ham have had enough. He’ll be Rome’s problem soon. Also destined for Italy: Liverpool’s Lucas Leiva, if they can replace him with Aston Villa’s Fabian Delph, and Tottenham’s Emmanuel Adebayor, if they can replace him with a waxwork model of Harry Kane. Lucas and Adebayor are both targets for Napoli.

Liverpool are also eyeing a bid for their former full-back, Alvaro Arbeloa, who is out of favour at Real Madrid, while Arsenal are mulling over moves for Swansea’s Bafétimbi Gomis, Genoa’s Mattia Perin and (still) Legia Warsaw’s Krystian Bielik.

But let’s be honest. You haven’t made it this far. It was never going to happen. You collapsed after reading the first paragraph, didn’t you. Lionel Messi (LIONEL MESSI)! Manchester United (MANCHESTER UNITED)! Barcelona (BARCELONA)!