Football ‘Mega Exclusive’ transfer rumours: Tottenham’s Hugo Lloris to Real Madrid?

http://www.theguardian.com/football/2015/jan/05/transfer-rumours-tottenham-lloris-real-madrid

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You’re scared, right? It’s cold outside and it’s January outside. You’re back in work and you’re broke. You spent all day yesterday curled up on the couch, with a knot in your stomach. And no matter how many episodes of Escape to the Country you watched, that feeling of fear would just not go away. Worst of all, you made that stupid pledge to keep January dry, didn’t you? You woke up with a fur on your tongue and an ache in your little belly (and those mysterious teeth marks “down there”) and you thought it would be a good idea not to touch a drop till February. What were you thinking? How are you even going to get through today, never mind the entire month? Well maybe the Mill can help. Why not start of the day by letting this transfer rumour ruminator lead you away to a fantasy world where people ride unicorns up mountains, throw ducks at balloons and rumours are fast, hard truths?

First up is the ‘Mega Exclusive’ that Tottenham Hotspur’s Hugo Lloris is doing one to Real Madrid for the princely sum of £25m. Yes, you read that right. Hugo Lloris is doing one to Real Madrid. Not that he has any say in it. Given that his life involves sipping a bit of coffee in L’eau à La Bouche or reading a bit of philosophy at the East Barnet Library, the French keeper is happy in London but it seems the suits over at White Hart Lane have other ideas. While living in a hollowed out mountain, where they stroke their cats and laugh deep throaty laughs, they have put their heads together and decided that the best way to back Mauricio Pochettino and his bid to take his team to the Promised Land is to sell one of his best players from right under his nose. That’s how the rest of those teams who qualify for the Champions League year after year and season after season do it, right? But before you break out the Magic Markers, a nice, long piece of plain linen and two bamboo sticks for poles, ask yourself this: would Spurs really jeopardise their future by selling one of their best players to Los Blancos for a vastly inflated price? Ah, yes. Good point. Sorry: good points.

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Meanwhile, Brendan Rodgers has been so impressed with his strikers this season that he has decided the best way to get more goals would be to spend £3m on getting Divock Origi out of his loan deal with Lille and on the first flight to Liverpool. Origi, in case you have better things to do than follow the career of an unproven, 19-year-old Belgian footballer, has four Ligue 1 goals to his name this season, none of which have been scored since the very early days of October. What could possibly go wrong, eh? But Origi is not the only striker who is going to be rocking up to Anfield during this transfer window. Rodgers reckons £23m – a million for every year – should convince West Bromwich Albion to part with Saido Berahino. Given Berahino looks thrilled with life at The Hawthorns, that one should not prove to be too complicated.

Elsewhere, the Manchester City top dog, Manuel Pellegrini has decided that his side are desperately short of meandering midfielders who play neat and tidy football and like to take long shots from impossible angles. With that in mind and after a quick Googling of the code for Germany, he has dialled up Schalke and asked if they would be interested in letting him wag his chin with Julian Draxler. The German club will, politely but firmly, tell him where to stick it but Pellegrini is nothing if not persistent and he’ll try and try again. This time though he’ll offer Matija Nastasic, a defender Schalke having been day dreaming about for quite some time now. That should seal the deal.

Over in Spain, Sergio Busquets has told Arsenal, Chelsea and Manchester United that they have as much chance of signing him as the Mill has of winning this year’s Miss Teen South Carolina contest. However, one La Liga-based baller, Raphaël Varane, to be exact, may well be on his way to the Premier League. José Mourinho had such a whale of a time over in Madrid that he is looking to recreate those fun-filled days by bringing Madrid to Stamford Bridge in the shape of the £20m-rated defender. However, he faces a fight for the young man’s signature from Manchester United and Louis van Gaal. Choosing between Chelsea and Manchester United. Hard life, eh?