Doctor Who recap: Last Christmas

http://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/tvandradioblog/2014/dec/25/doctor-who-recap-last-christmas

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‘No one knows they’re not dreaming. Not one of us. Not ever. Not for one single moment of our lives’

Merry Christmas! And how about that: probably the only story that will ever be told in which “and I woke up and it was all a dream” was not a lazy get-out but a miraculous fist-pump of a happy ending.

Last year’s special, The Time of the Doctor, was overblown, but it was Matt Smith’s finale, so it needed to be. This one played to the show’s claustrophobic strengths – a remote base-under-siege adventure turned out to be something even smaller than that, a story that took place only in the imaginations of its protagonists. Steven Moffat’s Doctor Who has already told us not to blink, breathe or turn around – and with “think” now added to the list, we’re fast running out of things we actually can do without facing certain death. But the dream crabs were marvellously effective. For all the psychological chills, this was also the most Christmassy Christmas special they’ve ever done.

Because, oh yes, Santa Claus. Ever since Matt Smith made that throwaway line in 2010 special, A Christmas Carol – “Of course Father Christmas is real, I’ve met him, his real name’s Geoff” – I’ve been lobbying to have Geoff appear in a special. Continuity bores like me will wonder whether this Santa Claus was in fact that same Geoff. But while Nick Frost’s Santa might dress like the kindly grandpa of Coca-Cola legend, he acts like a swashbuckling polar pirate, announces his arrival with an entourage of slinkies and goes on with the superiority of a man so judgmental as to divide all the world’s children into a binary list of naughty and nice. Santa and his elves were great fun. “I can commit 16m housebreaks in one night dressed in a red suit with jingle bells,” he grunted, “so, of course I can get back in the infirmary.” But Geoff carries out his scientifically impossible annual goodwill mission out of solid moral imperative. As Shona so eloquently put it: “You’re a dream that’s trying to save us?” And save them he did – literally.

I don’t think a Christmas Doctor Who is ever going to top that wonderful sleigh ride across the London skies. I just don’t think it’s possible.

‘I stopped believing in fairytales a long time ago’

But even Santa Claus found himself upstaged by what became this year’s big mystery: was Clara going to stay or was she going to go? The question over Jenna Coleman’s future on the show had echoes of the Sun’s front pages about Billie Piper leaving, back in the day. And right up to the very final twist, everyone involved teased us to the point where it was getting annoying. Ultimately, though, it proved how magical it is not to know what’s going to happen in advance.

Clara now becomes new-Who’s longest-serving companion (let’s not even get into how we measure longevity in the classic show) and it comes with a renewal of her relationship with the Doctor. The worry had been that the testy sparring between them would have been difficult to sustain. But if the arc of this season had essentially been Clara’s exit story, that ending was just too horribly mundane. The other ending they teased us with – one last visit from the Doctor to lovely, old, frail Clara on her deathbed – would have worked perfectly fine, too, but would also have been quite sad.

Actually, Last Christmas was one big ingenious reunion story – one orchestrated by Santa Claus, no less! Good old Geoff. But that dynamic has now changed once again, into something more outwardly paternal (definitely, definitely not flirty). Dream Danny gave Clara permission to move on with her life. It’s all to play for now.

But when you think about it, she was always going to stay. They start filming the next series in February, so the replacement would have been cast already and there’s no way that wouldn’t have leaked. Bad old Moffat, ruining our fun again with his “wanting everybody to enjoy the story properly”.

Fear factor

The tacit admission that the dream crab’s design was sort-of ripped off from the facehuggers in Alien allowed for an excellent one-liner: “There’s a horror movie called Alien? No wonder people keep invading you.” But it didn’t stop them being one of the scariest creations in recent years. Moffat’s psychological tricks – a telepathic mind pirate who can only see you if you can see it, and kills you while you’re dreaming – are always effective. But props to the design department for creating something that genuinely had me covering my eyes. Meanwhile, I’ll probably never look at a chalkboard in the same way again.

Yes, as well as being the most Christmassy, Last Christmas is hands down the scariest festive special Who has ever done.

Mysteries and questions

So, for next year, it’s anyone’s guess as to where we might go. Next year’s series opener will be titled The Magician’s Apprentice, which suggests Clara won’t be rushing back to Coal Hill school and the Doctor will be taking a more teacherly role. Whether that means this year’s gritty, urban approach will change remains to be seen, but it does suggest something more fantastical. And though Danny’s story appears to be over, don’t assume that’s the last we’ve seen of Samuel Anderson. As he hinted at the recent DVD launch, “There’s always Orson.”

Time-space debris

• Dan Starkey, AKA Commander Strax, gets to put in another fine comic turn without all those prosthetics as Ian the bitchy elf.

• Poor, lonely Shona. She’s probably not companion material, but I hope things turn around for her.

• It’s on a BBC budget, so it would be mean-spirited to snigger about the ageing makeup. Let’s not do that.

• “These are Christmas hats. I’ve seen people use them. You put them on and absolutely anything seems funny.”

• That line about the Doctor asking Clara to get him a cup of tea (followed by a punch in the face) is a reference to 70s companion Jo Grant, who was forever being sent off by Jon Pertwee to fetch tea and sandwiches. The Time Lord has moved with the times.

• “There are a lot of dangerous things on this funny little planet of yours, most of which you eat.”

• Personally, I always did like the tangerines.

• Oh, go on then.