Talking to Kids About Sex

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/10/opinion/pamela-druckerman-talking-to-kids-about-sex.html

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PARIS — ONE of the many problems with parenting is that kids keep changing. Just when you’re used to one stage, they zoom into another. I realized this was happening again recently, when my 8-year-old asked me about babies. She knows they grow in a mother’s belly, but how do they get in there to begin with?

I wasn’t sure how much to reveal, so I stalled. “I’ll tell you soon,” I said, adding, “it involves penises.” I didn’t want to shock her or shatter her innocence. Like any good American, I’d assumed that one day (many years hence) we’d have that stilted conversation in which I’d reveal the strange mechanics of sex, and she’d tell me that she already knew all about it.

Since I live in France, I decide to investigate how Europeans approach this. Do parents give their kids the birds-and-bees talk, too? Is the subject any less awkward here? Is there some savoir-faire to help me navigate this next phase and beyond?

I begin my research at a Parisian science museum with an exhibition, Zizi sexuel l’expo, (its English title is Sex — Wot’s the Big Deal?) to teach 9- to 14-year-olds about sexuality. There’s advice about kissing. (Do turn your head sideways, “especially if you’ve got a big nose.” Don’t do the “coffee grinder,” where you spin your tongue in the other person’s mouth.) In the puberty section, I’m asked to identify a smell (it’s armpit) and step on a pedal that makes small white balls — representing sperm — fly out of a pretend penis.

There’s also a whole section on how complicated love is. One sign explains that “loving someone sometimes makes you happy and sometimes makes you really sad. But even when you’re upset, you still want to love and be loved because it makes you feel so alive.”

The French aren’t paragons of sex education. Though schools are required to teach it, they often don’t. Instead of “the talk,” French children typically get “the book,” says Philippe Brenot, a sexologist. “In general that’s what it is in France. At 12, 13, 14 years old, it’s, ‘Here, take this and read it.’ ”

Like the exhibition, these books (at least the ones I’ve seen; there are dozens) give clear information on how not to get pregnant or catch an infection, and stress that you should have sex only when you’re absolutely ready. But the overarching message is that if you use protection, and you’re in a healthy relationship, sex can be something quite great.

Apparently, the Dutch are at the forefront of sex education, and they have little trouble broaching the topic. Parents in the Netherlands have lots of casual age-appropriate talks about sex with their kids, over many years, beginning when children are small. Mandatory sex education begins in elementary school, and includes lessons on respecting people who are transgender, bisexual or gay.

“If we start with sexuality education when children are teenagers, or even just before they start with any interest in sexuality, I think you are too late,” says Sanderijn van der Doef, a psychologist with the Dutch sexual-health group Rutgers WPF. “As soon as children have questions, they have the interest, and then they have the right to get a correct answer.”

Dr. Van der Doef says parents should give simple, clear responses. If the child has more questions, he’ll ask. Once he’s 3 or 4, “You can start to explain, in a very simple way, that Mommy has a little egg in her belly, Daddy has very small sperms in his body, and when the sperms meet the egg, a baby grows in the belly of the mother.” Three-year-olds rarely ask how the sperm and egg meet. If they do, “then you have a very smart child at that age, and that means that child needs to have an answer,” she adds.

The sociologist Amy Schalet, author of “Not Under My Roof,” says Dutch parents “normalize” sex for adolescents, too. They typically allow 16- and 17-year-olds to have sleepovers at home, if they’re in a stable, loving relationship, are using contraception and are emotionally ready. By contrast, American parents tend to “dramatize” sex: highlighting its dangers, forbidding it at home and leading teenagers to have it in secret, Ms. Schalet writes.

Both Americans and Europeans typically have intercourse for the first time around age 17. But here, parents are more inclined to accept that. A French friend told me that when she tried to enter her spare bedroom recently, it was locked from inside. After a minute, her 17-year-old popped his head out and said sheepishly, “We’re in here.”

“It was so cute,” my friend told me. Crucially, her son was with his long-term girlfriend. And pregnancy probably wasn’t an issue: In France, birth-control pills are free to 15- to 18-year-olds, with a prescription, and minors can walk into any pharmacy and get the morning-after pill free. (The Dutch rules are similar.)

I’m not sure my American friends would find this scene “cute.” But consider that Europe’s teenage pregnancy rates are far lower than in the United States — in France and Holland, they’re nearly five times lower. It seems that if you treat teenagers as if they’re responsible, they can live up to that.

Fortunately, my kids aren’t at this stage yet. But armed with my new research, I find a casual moment to discuss baby making with my daughter. After I calmly tell her the penis-meets-vagina story, she seems unsurprised. “Oh, you mean making love,” she says. “I read about that in one of my books.”